Long day
It is 5:30 and I'm still at work. I'm not in a hurry to go home. Work keeps me holding onto my composure. I have to keep a happy face here. I have to stay upbeat and positive. I have to keep it together.
Only once I get home to I get to let go and hate myself for a little while.
It is amazing how quickly I turn on myself.
Hate myself for being open for one second to some kind of possibility.
I feel like a silly little girl who has read one to many failry tales and still secretly believes in happy ending and Santa Claus even though i know better and all evidence points to the fact that such things don't exist.
It just makes me tired.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I really need something to change. I need something different. Something...I don't know. Something I can hold onto and believe in for a little while. Something that makes me feel safe enough to let go and be happy. Even with him...as much as I adored the attention, my gut instinct was never good. I always knew it was fleeting on a good day.
And the truth is...I'm not even mad at him. I really have no bad feelings towards him. Just this really intense sadness.
But i think I'm probably sad for me. For that little girl in me who holds on so tight to that belief that one day there will be some kind of happily ever after and who aches every time she is reminded that it may just not exist.
I'm rambling.
Walking home with Elana.
Thank goodness for good friends.
Without them, I would be lost right now.
posted by TF @ 2:37 PM
1 Comments:
Maybe I am wrong but my impression is that you are looking maybe too much for someone... You feel lost because you have no control over the feelings of others face to you. That's the only real thing that we have no control in life. In that time I am trying to work on other problems of my life that could be improved and that I have control on. I met my wife through the company I was working for and she lives in Germany. Now we are married and we try hard to have her coming to live here... She is native German speaking and I am native French, we communicated through english. I am 6 year younger than her. All of that to let you know that I wasn't expecting to be married at my age and even less to be have a relationship with a foreigner... I don't think you do wrong to hope from the very beginning when you meet new people but simply not put all your eggs in the same basket. Don't rely on it too much. Without hopes you are going nowhere.
I am sure you are an awesome woman and you deserve the best... I don't think you are a boring person I just think you need to enjoy all the other things that are surrounding you. You concentrate on the only thing that you will never can control.
have a beautiful day...
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