Tali in Toronto

Sad Thursdays

There is nothing more difficult then an ending. Despite all those optimistic cliche's that say "when one door closes, another opens" or "every cloud has a silver lining". Though they may be true, getting to that point where you can see that...that period of time is the worst.
So things have come to an end with me and the person you have all heard me mention so many times, Though this won't come as a surprise to anyone who has had to listen to me figure this out in my own head the past couple of weeks.
I'm finding it really sad.
He is a great guy and I truly have no ill will. There is no cause for it. It is just not the right place and time. But it was nice, for a little while, to have that feeling that someone was thinking about me the same way I was thinking about them.
I think what I struggle with most is the complete turn around. The on and off like a light switch. People's walls go up and that happens. I can't and don't hold a grudge. But it is so extraordinarily difficult NOT to take it personally and not to blame myself and not to let myself be consumed with "what did i do to make him change his mind". A total product of my own insecurities, granted, but still hard to deal with nonetheless.
It is hard to say those words too. They aren't words you can go back on or take back. I know i can't speak to him. At least not now. I know I have to put space between us. Big space. I wish I had his ability to shut off. I would love that right now. If I could just turn off anything that I did feel and chalk ir up to nothing.
It is really....tough.
I could write a book on all the things I feel right now. I'm not angry and I'm not "hurt". Not in that...he's a jerk I can't believe he did that kind of way. I'm more...sad I guess. Sad to know you have to stop speaking to someone you genuinely enjoy. I'm just not ready to do the "let's just be friends" thing. It would be too hard. It is too hard for me to understand why everything changed all of a sudden.
Ugh. I'm bored with this topic.
So I'm off to throw myself into my work and think long and hard about where i go from here and what happens now.
I'm sure I'll be back.

posted by TF @ 7:29 AM