The secrets out - I'm a crazy person.
I'm learning as I get older that there will always be people who catch you off guard.
People who, despite your best efforts to scare them off, can ignore all that and see who you are behind that.
And finding people like that. It is a weird feeling. I find I both wanna run far far away for fear they will actually see who I am deep down inside and hate that and at the same time wanna be near that person and throw your arms around them and make the clock stop so you can just be close to them for a few minutes longer.
I hate how vulnerability makes me so unsettled.
Ugh. I have a million and one thoughts running through my head and I can't seem to find a way to express myself. I can't seem to find the right way to say all the things I wish I could say. Both in general and to specific people.
Even rereading the few lines I just wrote - it all seems so trite.
*sigh*
Is it possible I have just lost my ability to communicate? Or do someone people just make it harder to say the right things because you are so petrified of what their response may be?
I choose number 2.
Who does number 2 work for?
(ha, Austin Powers reference).
Not me I tell you.
I am acting like a complete ass of late.
Granted. I'm tired. I got my period. I got sick.
Wrap that up all together and I know I've been a little out of sorts.
I feel much better today. Back on sane footing.
But i would still get to the root of my issue.
I guess I know what it is. Something about meeting someone i like - who isn't an asshole - freaks me out. I'm afraid to get used to it. I'm afraid to just enjoy it. I'm afraid that he is going to realize I just don't deserve it.
My god, that sounds unbelievably stupid when i reread that.
I sound like a crazy person.
I guess maybe it is simple. In this disaster that I call my move to Toroto I met this really nice person, who calls every night to just say hi and see how I am and thinks about me even when I'm convinced he doesn't. And i like him. And that kinda scares me. But I do. And I don't even know that I've admitted that outloud. I certainly haven't told him.
(although if he does actually read this blog, I guess he knows it now).
So there you have it kids. The truth is out. I act absolutely insane when I like someone. Certifiable.
Nuts.
Cuckoo
Off my rocker
Wow, now i really hope he doesn't see this.
I shouldn't even post this.
But, I will.
:)
Someone...fix me please.
posted by TF @ 9:12 AM
1 Comments:
hey missy - all this inner monologue takes guts to admit so good on ya.
listen, it *is* scary to put yourself out there and meet people, so don't beat yourself up over it. maybe try working on being in the moment and not worrying so much about the final outcome. enjoy what is there and what makes you happy, it often works for me.
and while taking a risk and liking someone is intimidating it can also be delightful.
live life.
xox
e.
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