Tali in Toronto

Self-fulfilling prophecy

It's interesting how no matter how old you get, there is always more to discover, love, and hate about yourself. I don't know that it ever events out completely.
So this is what I am learning. I meet a guy. I like him. I immediately do everything in my power to ensure that I annoy him. Things end. I feel bad and walk away saying things like "I don't know how this happened." "What did I do wrong?"
I know what I did wrong. I always do. And the sucky part is...I know when I'm doing it and I hate it..I just have no control. Twice today the notion of self-fulfilling prophecy has come up.And the two guys who mentioned it to me...you're right. You are totally 100% correct.
Things bother me and I pick little tiffs over things that really don't bother me that much.
I feel the wall going up..brick by brick. I protect myself against any possible pain.
What bothers me is that I know I do it...and yet i can never manage to swing my head into a logical way of thinking until it is too late.
So, as of right now...things have got to change. I need to stop looking for soem kind of affirmation, begging for compliments, looking for insults or put-downs or clues where there are none. Before i drive myself - and any man in my life - absolutely, positively insane.
Ugh. I'm annoyed with myself.
It is ridiculous.
I had a lovely Friday night..and i wake up Saturday morning with all walls up for no reason. Maybe the problem is the having a lovely time. Maye having a good time is just too scary a prospect (ok, i mock myself just a little).
On top of all this normal Tali weirdness, I'm ultra moody due to PMS.
FRUSTRATION!
The moral of this story, I can truly be an ass sometimes.
Of course, in the long run, I'm totally worth it. I just need to get over this initial terror at the idea of getting to know someone. So anyone out there who may be involved with me..or one day involved with me...just understand. I know I'm being an ass. I know I get a little weird. Just be patient. It is like an emotional leg cramp. Once it is gone....you will have NO PROBLEM smooth sailing.

Ok..i'm off to pass out. I just need to share my little emotional hiccup with you.
Feedback? Advice? Moral Support?

posted by TF @ 10:37 PM