Tali in Toronto

Allo Lundi

I feel like I'm on a self-inflicted roller coaster ride lately. I'm constantly going through these emotional ups and downs. Which I guess is normal.
I feel a little like I'm being played. Like his fundamental lack of ability to just be honest and talk to me about anything other then the most superficial subjects is more bothersome than anything else. Part of me wants to scream... "just tell me how you feel dammit". But i won't. I remain composed and disconnected and keep up all the indifference I can muster. I hate that I have to play a role and can't be myself right now when I talk to him. God forbid I let him see a crack in the shell. What is it they say? Never let 'em see you sweat? Well, in this case, I can't let him see that this all bothers me. If I do, I just feed into his already twisted opinion of what is going on and I just can't bring myself to do that. So, I guess that makes me as bad as him (although probably more self-aware).
*sigh*
This is all exhausting.. What a waste of time and energy.
I'm really no good with all this. And I'm saddened by the inevitable truth that we may just have to stop speaking.
See, I go between up and down constantly. Angry...sad...indifferent. I'm so weird.
Women, I think, are fighters by nature. If given proof that there is the possibility, no matter how tiny, of something great - we hold on. Maybe that is just a self-fulfilling prophesy, maybe we like the challenge, I don't know. I look back over the past 2 months and saw the possibility...the glimmer of something more than friendship. And when that disappeared, without warning, I found it hard to accept. I still find it hard to understand how one goes from hot to cold in a matter of hours. What a spectacular ability. I'm almost jealous.
I could write about this for hours. I should probably just start a diary at home so no one has to read about how crazy I am.
Then again, it probably makes anyone reading this feel more normal by comparison.
It is cold in my office. Ridiculously cold. The fact that I'm tired doesn't help.
I keep having weird dreams. I don't really remember them but i know they are weird. I should write them down the minute I wake up.
Ok, I'm going to go do some work, answer some emails, and let go of the being angry.
At least for the next hour or two

posted by TF @ 7:52 AM