Difficult
It's been a long day. A long long long long day.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated.
I feel like I have no control. I feel powerless.
I feel lost.
And none of it is about me.
I've been walking around for an hour just because I didn't want to come home. I didn't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere right now. I have brilliant thoughts while I walk. then I get home and sit in front of the computer and I can't come up with any words. I can think of the perfect way to express myself and here it doesn't happen I look at the screen and I'm blank. Freakin' blank.
I don't understand this world we live in. I don't get it. and I hate it right now. I hate it. I can't stand watching people I care about hurt. It fills me with a rage I can't stomach. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. I want to take every ittle bit of hurt and sadness away. I want someone to explain to me why things are the way they are. I want someone to tell me why bad thigns happen to good people and why bad people seem to get away with more then they should.
Iwant to stand outside and scream at the top of my lungs until someone listens.
I want to break everything in my apartment.
I went to the library. Because it was quiet. I walked and walked and carried so many books that my arms hurt. But I wanted that. I wanted to be in control of that pain. I understand this cutting phenomenon. That desire to be in control of what hurts. To make it better or worse. I stood in between the rows of boks. My legs shook and I couldn't hep breaking out in a sweat. I just want to sit down and cry. I wondered if they would kick me out for that.
I started this blog hours ago. Then C. came over and distracted me. It has been a long day filled with tears. I found out my grandmother has had a massive stroke and is paralyzed on her right side and can't speak. That was difficult to hear. I'm going home to see her on Wednesday.
I don't feel comfortable talking about anything else that is going on. I can only say that someone I care deeply about hurting right now and I hate that I can't fix it for him. I hate that I can't do anything for him. I would do anything to make it better.
I'm not talking anymore today. I'm going to crawl into bed and hide for awhile.
I got beautiful flowers today. Ro has captured my heart completely. He is a fantastic man that one. 
posted by TF @ 8:39 PM
1 Comments:
How can it be such a bad day when you got such beautiful flowers? You're a lucky lady to have someone care so much. Take it in for what it is worth. Enjoy it!
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