Where?
OK. I need to vent. I've been holding it in. But I'm cracking.
I've been decidedly optimistic lately. Trying to see the silver linings and stay strong and confident and unafraid. But I'm tired. I have to admit, I'm a little freaked out about this whole job thing. I'm concerned about my future and where it may lead. I know I am not in danger of having to live out on the street or anything, but having the whole world open in front of you is scary. I just don't know what to do with all the time I have right now. I'm trying to be extremely budget-minded because I think that is key right now. I'm just frustrated. Extremely frustrated. I just want a glimmer of hope.
I've always had this vision of life. You may have heard it before. Like we are constantly trying not to drown. Treading water, the constant struggle to keep your head above water. Trying not to let the bad things weigh you down and enjoying the relief the good things bring when you can hold onto them for a little while and let yourself rest from the worry of going under. Hope is the thing you tread for all the time. Hope is what keeps you moving. Even when your legs feel heavy and it would be so easy to give in and drift away.
So hope is everything for me. And I struggle every day not to forget that. But some days it is just so hard. And I get SO tired. I just want to give up hope. Lie here and cry. But giving up isn't in my nature. Isn't in my character. I'm a fighter. It would just be so nice to be reminded sometimes that it is worth it. Today I'm having trouble remembering. I'm frustrated and tired and fed up. I don't want to fight. I just want it to be easy. I want everything to make sense and the puzzle pieces to all fit together. Just for one day. I just want to let go for one day and know I won't drown.
Where are you?
posted by TF @ 5:39 AM
2 Comments:
That philosophy "treading - clinging to hope" is so 'glass half empty'.
Contrary to what you think, we are defined by what we do, not what we hope for.
So energy spent treading water and hoping is wasted. It needs to be used on taking positive proactive action for which you can say you did the best you could.
As easy as it is to justify - don't wallow in yourself.
Tali, between January of 2004 and July of 2005, I spent a total of 8 months being between jobs, and I can tell you that it was the period of my life where I was the most tired I have ever been. Both times I lost my job it was completely unexpected, and both times it started to feel really bleak and scary. Eventually both times I found great jobs, and I know the same will happen with you. Its hard to stay really positive on the outside when you're so tense inside, but I can assure you that all will work out in the end. :)
I'm also not sure I agree with the anonymous post above. I will say that I agree with the statement about being defined by what we do, not what we hope for, but at the same time there is a point where attitude alone can't get you through your problems. Hope is the thing deep in you that lets you get through the day, and I think as long as you are taking the right steps to solving your problems, the mental aspect of it is all about hope and being resiliant that you are holding on to the right things. So apply for jobs in the mornings, and find something constructive to do in the afternoons. It seems to me that you have great friends around you in the evenings and on the weekends, and that alone can make the biggest difference in the world.
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