The inner working of a crazy girl
I'm a complete disaster. I don't know what the F*** is wrong with me. When did I reach such unbelievably low security levels that I started acting like a complete lunatic and let things get to me that shouldn't. So, the dude hasn't called since....I spoke to him on Tuesday..I called. And it is making me completely neurotic. I"m going over everything that was said and wondering if i did or said something that would have offended him.I'm twisting myself inside out over this and I don't know why I do it. On a very logical leverl - when I seperate ego and feelings from all this - I know I'm acting like a complete nutter. But there is this other part of me...that dark secret horrible part that flips out. And this isn't a mild freak out this is a completely sepf-depricating, rip myself apart internally, drive myself completely insane kind of freak. This complete breakdown that I can't control and let few people see.
I mean..I'm good at the cover-up. I can smile and pretend the world is a perfect place, all the while wanting to fall into a heap on the ground and cry until something...anything...makes me feel better.
I'm a spaz...I could call him. Why do I feel this need to be the one called? Is it a social thing? Am I nurtured to feel that my role is to be the docile one who sits by the phone and waits for it to ring. I don't want to be that girl. Granted, I want a little reassurance that he is interested in talking to me and seeing me...
I hate my brain. I hate this circle I run in. I hate it all.I hate that I do this to myself and i wish I had a better idea of why it happens. Why is it I am flipping out right now? And if it all stems from insecurity..why is it that I am so insecure? I know these behaviors have gotten worse as I've gotten older. Is that strictly because I'm more afraid of getting hurt or is there more to it that I'm just not able to see right now. I wish I understood. Then it begs the question...is it time for me to seek professional help? Is this so detrimental to my health that I need to fix it immediately of is this just a phase.
Just for the record MB..I knew that buying those condoms was a bad idea. I totally jinxed myself. FOILED!
posted by TF @ 6:32 AM
2 Comments:
too much fooling around and too many non-committal short term flings
you need a couple years off then you will be ready to love someone and get that in return
you can do it!
If he's the love of your life, call.
If not -- he can go fuck himself. Sometimes a really healthy dose of "Screw it -- I don't need anybody" does wonders for self-confidence. And they can smell panic and desperation a mile away. I recommend listening to something aggressive ("Complete Control" from The Clash always cheers me up.)
Chin up, amigo.
Post a Comment
<< Home