Ramble On
Drama...drama...drama
Sometimes I wonder if that is what I'm all about. There was a comment made on my blog about how there was all that drama in one week. The truth is, there wasn't that much drama outside of my head. The turmoil and angst was strictly in my world and on this blog. I never shared it with the dude in any way shape or form.
I feel like crap. I'm not going to lie. But it is....an empty pit kind of not feeling well. My stomach is turning and I just feel like there is a black cloud floating over my head. I'm Charlie Brown. I'm still not angry. I still am sure that this was the right call on his part although I do hope that he evaluates this and changes his mind. No, I take that back. I think hope is my downfall. I like him enough to know that if he called tomorrow and said he changed his mind I would be open to seeing him again..and again and again...but as far as I'm concerned that won't ever happen. I don't think he would allow himself the luxury of sitting around and seriously considering what, if anything, he felt/feels for me. I think he would sooner push all of this behind him and never think about it again. I would like to be wrong. So wrong. But..argh. I need to stop talking. I need to put this all behind me until I'm in a place where it doesn't make me feel ill to think about. I need to be in a place where I'm not reliving everythign I ever said and did with him and trying to pin point the exact second where things went wrong so I can continue to blame myself for something that....I don't know. I hate that I told him I was upset about the not calling. I feel like I ruined everything by being so needy. My sane, logical friends will tell me that this was the right thing to happen because ultimately this conversation would have happened so better now then when I am in much deeper. But, it is so hard for me not to rip myself apart. I don't know why I feel the need to do it. I feel the need to hurt myself more and more. Beat myself down until I am a mess. I know I do it too. I know that it is happening and I know it is the wrong thing to do,but I can't resist. I can't stop myself.
It is funny how these kinds of things...as ridiculous and brief as they are, taint so much around you. At least initially. I walked to the bank and just kept thinking about that initial 28 hour date and meeting him at the magazine store and how things all excalated in the most crazy way from there. Went from total strangers to spending hours and nights in a row together. And then nothing. Then I'm shut out.
I have to stop this. This circle I allow myself to run in.
I have to keep reminding myself that this all was the right thing that happened. And everyone out there was right. I need to be off dating. I need to not be involved for awhile. I need to re-learn how to love myself the most and put myself first. Rebuild my confidence and learn how to not freak out. I know that, with the exception of the dude calling me because he is worth geting to know, I just don't want to be involved right now. Not until I can figure me out. *sigh* it sucks to really like someone who just isn't into you. It really does. I'm just glad that this time, I at least know he was a good guy. Sorry..he is a good guy. Wait..let me rephrase. It sucks to like someone who just isn't a place where he can get involved. No matter how much you may or may not enjoy being together.
posted by TF @ 7:08 PM
2 Comments:
I know where you're coming from about reliving the moment where things started going south, and then hating on yourself for that--I've been down that road a few times myself. There's no point to that at all, and I hope you've hopped off that train of thought entirely.
Just like you've said, you've got friends, family, and even a random passerby like myself to toss in some words to get you back on your feet. You just have to take a step back and see what you bring to the world, and know that somewhere out there in the jungle that's Toronto, a knight in shining is looking for a girl just like you.
I'm going to lead out with a quote that I found really inspired me to pick myself back up and keep looking ahead, from what's now become one of my favourite reads, Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy says:
"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."
Forget the things that upset you and make you angry with yourself.
And smile.
agree with the previous comment, but don't you think the one who's not in a place where they can be involved is *you*?
everything will work out but racing to the next romp probably isn't a good idea
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