Tali in Toronto

One more night.

Last day in Toronto before heading to Montreal for some undetermined amount of time. No longer than 10 days. I feels weird. Weird to be here, weird to be going home.
It is just a weird time I guess.
I feel, more often than not these days, that I am watching life from the outside. Like I'm standing on the wrong side of a dirty window, look in at a life I don't belong to anymore. I just feel disconnected.
I don't know how to fix it.
It is like my brain doesn't work right anymore.
Even when I'm out and smiling, something inside feels wrong.

I confessed my sins to Hannahguy and AB today. Seperately.
I'm reserved in how I say the words, but they both are slowly learing what I'm not sure they knew...what I'm not sure I knew...and that is how very much I had come to care for a stranger and how terrifying I found that. I shouldn't be talking about this. It seems trite and stupid. Especially compared to what is going on out there. But I guess I need to be selfish here and I need to get this all out of my system. I need to face the facts. Those that I hate. The facts are, without realizing it, I had opened myself up to something and there is a distinct chance I will lose that. Not by my choice. It will be either by his or by circumstance. And because I'm a selfsh, horrible human being, I'm miserable about it. And it becomes this circle, where I think about that and then I hate myself.I hate myself for being so self-involved that I can't see beyond my own needs. I'm afraid to admit any of this to myself. For so many reasons. I'm afraid that none of this is true or was ever. I'm afraid that it was all true and now it doesn't exist anymore. I'm afraid to say it outloud because once I do I have to face how much I'm going to hurt. I'm afraid that he will happen upon this and be so shocked by how selfish I am that he will hate me. I'm afraid of so many different things, so many of which I think are awful, that I can't even write them here.

I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for being upset. I'm tired of not saying that outloud because I'm afraid of seeming indifferent to what was going on. I can't do it.
I'm not indifferent. I care. I really really do. I care so much that it is making me physically ill. I care so much that I'm up at night, every night. That I have bad dreams and wake up repeatedly. But as much as I care, I have NO idea what is going on. None. I'm completely, totally cut off. It is killing me, but I'm doing it because I know it is the right thing to do and what needs to be done. But I would be lying if I didn't say I don't hop online hoping there will be some news. Good news. Any news.
Again, I'm selfish.
But I say it here, and I say it here only.

It was great hanging with Hannahguy though. I really adore her. She is a fantastically brave woman who chooses to pursue her passions. She and I have slowly gotten to know eachtoehr as friends instead of just as PR/Journalist and I'm so happy that we have managed to cross that bridge. I know that she values her time and the people she spends it with. So her friendship is such a huge compliment to me, and one I don't take for granted. She is an amazing listener. And a huge talent. And yes, I am flirting with her right now (inside joke, don't ask).

Then I was out with AB. Who is, as always, spectacularly supportive and is keeping me occupied. Making sure I don't sit home miserable. Making sure I stay grounded and focused and as together as I can be. He will let me cry, laugh, yell, or freak out if I need to with no judgement whatsoever. A safe haven for my emotional insanity right now. For that, I owe him so much.

I'm off to pack and then go to sleep. I'm tired.

posted by TF @ 10:15 PM