Tali in Toronto

Self-abuse

I've spent my whole life trying to be a good person. Trying to treat people the way I want to be treated.
Some days I think I fail miserably.
I wonder if I hurt more than I make them feel good.
It just feels never enough.
It feels like I can never do enough.
I feel like I disappoint the people I care about most. Either by my decisions or my actions.
Sometimes I think the most generous thing I can do is take myself out of their lives.
But then I would miss them. And I want them in my life.
That is a selfless act. Too selfless.
So I'm selfish.
Great. What else? Needy? Annoying? Irritating? Boring? Inconsiderate?
I'm on that rapid spiral downwards with no breaks.


My mom once said that one of my problems is that instead of getting mad, I get sad. And when I get sad, I turn on myself. I become my own worst enemy.
True.

I'm viciously cruel to myself.
It is a horrible habit.

I've also always seen myself as a good communicator.
Thought it was a given with my job and such.
I'm learning that maybe that isn't the case.
Maybe I'm not as good as I thought at conveying the personal stuff.

My fear is to let people our there who I care about roam the earth without knowing how much I care.

I want to make the people in my life feel special because they are special to me.

I want to make those I love feel loved.

I want to always be better.

I'm tired. I'm ready for bed and I haven't even gone out yet.
I'm putting on the happy smiley I love the world face.
And goin' out there to make the best of my numbered nights here in Toronto.

Tomorrow I will write a blog about the good things. I just don't like me very much right now.

(Thank you Ro for the packages today. They were amazing and made my day. You are wonderful).

posted by TF @ 2:25 PM