Tali in Toronto

Thoughts, random thoughts

Roolllleeerrrrr coooaaasssttterrrr
That is what life is sometimes.
This bizarre series of ups and downs with the occasional sick feeling in your stomach.
wheeeeee barf wheeeeee barf wheeeeeee barf

No word from SF. No follow up. I'm kinda freaking out. Now I've given notice and am getting ready to make the move. Imagine they take back the offer? THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE. This would be the barf part of the cycle.

I hate not knowing. I just want to know one way or the other. Do I start saying good-bye or do I start settling in?

ANSWERS DAMMIT ANSWERS

I've gotten bad with this blog. There is a lot I don't say because I'm trying to protect people. I'm so careful with my words that I spend more time thinking about what to write and how to write it than I would like to. Who is reading this. What are they thinking? It is hard.

ARGH! /hg wrote a blog the other day about getting mad and not expressing yourself, instead finding yourself almost placating the situation and walking away. I do that too. And I hate it. I make myself crazy for it. What I really want to say is fuck you. What instead I say is, ok. It was interesting when I read that she feels she does that as well. Made me wonder if it is a gender role thing. Women look to make things better. Nurture a relationship. Fix things and make everyone feel good.

My head is spinning with thoughts. Thoughts of Ro, of San Fran, of moving, of my family. I feel like I can't just sit and be quiet.

I'm a control freak. Have a ever mentioned that? I have trouble sitting back and leaving things up to fate. I want to drive everything. I'm constantly afraid that if I let go and don't work really hard for everything, then I will lose the things that are most important to me. I control my anger and my fear and my insecurity and try to constantly maintain a certain exterior.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. I want to have deep and interesting things to say on my blog but these days I'm so distracted that I just can't think of things to write.

BORING.

I've become boring.

I'm going to crawl into bed and read. Yay!

posted by TF @ 4:41 PM