Tali in Toronto

Will you please?

Ok, so I'm sitting in NJ with minutes to spare, but I had to write an entry.
I had a terrible dream last night.
In the dream, Ro killed himself by jumping out of the plane. In the dream I didn't know until I read it on his blog and then a mutual friend of ours (yes you HG) called me and was like...he should be "passing right now".
OMG!
It was HORRIBLE.
and morbid.
Why did I dream that?
It was AWFUl.
Ugh. I'm feeling terrible right now. I'm dying to email him and just reach out. I just want to see his name on my email page and know he is ok.
I miss him and it sucks and I can't even talk about it because I'm too tired to hear everyone lecture me on how unhealthy my involvement with him was.
There is so much I want to say. This whol verbal throwing p about how I'm feeling about everything.
I miss talking to him. More than I thought i would.
On the flipside, I'm so so angry at him for NOT fighting a little harder to keep me around. For doing whatever it took not to lose whatever this was. It makes me SO angry that when I couldn't fight, instead of taking up the slackfor me he just disappeared.
It bothers me that he did EXACTLY what everyone said he would.
I hate that. Because I told everyone they were wrong about him. I told them all I knew him better, and then here I am. And they were right. And it makes me so angry and feel so stupid.
But on the flipside, I have never met someone who made me feel so irresistable and attractive. Flawless even.
I've never felt like that.
I've never felt so wanted.
*sigh*
I have no answers anymore.
I'm writing this blog to see if it helps me deal with the inner turmoil I'm feeling.
MY GOD I WANT TO EMAIL HIM.
This sucks.
It freakin' sucks.
There's more. Obviously there's more.
But I'm sitting as the whole family packs up the car and I know I can't type all the things I want to say.
I just miss him. That's it.
It's hard.
No matter what it was or how anyone saw it or how crazy people think I am.
This is just a hard ending that somedays I wish I could fix.
I wish I could change. Or make it better.
ARGH!
FRUSTRATED.

I feeled weighed down by everything. it isn't just him. It is the move. it is the intensity of Jay-Z. It is feeling COMPLETELY unsettled everywhere I am right now. It is really getting to me. I just feel off.
And i recognize I will be feeling this for sometime.
It will be ages before I feel at home again.
It is terrifying.

Will someone please tell me that everything will be alright?
Will someone please tell him that I worry about him and think of him?
Will someone please pack everything and ship it all for me?
Please please please.

posted by TF @ 6:16 AM