Blah
That is so how I feel right now.
Just blah.
I'm re-evaluating so many aspects of my life - it is a full blown roller coaster. I'm not enjoying it. I guess this is part of the moving process but I can say it doesn't make me feel good. I don't know.
I was thinking this morning - don't ask me why this popped into my head - about a weird moment when I was a kid. I don't have many strong memories from way back when and the ones I do are fleeting. But I remember this moment of self-realization. I remember looking at life from what felt like a distance. Like I was on the outside looking in. I remember realizing that I wasn't on the outside looking in but was actually part of what was going on. It was so weird. It was like in the movies, when someone dies and then you see them floating up..and then there is this viscous pull back into their body as they are revived. I remember it kinda like that. And it was at that moment that I felt this rush of happy and sad - realized that I was going to get old and die one day and that bad things did happen to me and at the same time, all the good things would happen to me. I know I know, I'm weird. I wonder if all kid have that moment of realization or if we just quietly accept these things.
I'm finding Toronto to be a weird city to live in now. For all the people I know here, I still feel strangely isolated and cut off. I feel like I am a little back in that place where I am watching life go by but from the outside. Like i don't feel at all part of what is happening.
This is not my usual happy upbeat message..is it? Did I depress all of you?
This is the other realization I had. A blog is a weird space. Despite it being sort of a journal, there is a lot I can't say here. A lot of things I have to keep hidden or secret because as private as it is here, it is totally public. SO, I need to have a private blog to go along with my blog. But then I wonder, what is the point of a blog if no one is going to read it.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
And now, I am at work. So I should go do some work and quit sitting here moping.
I'm going to see Friday Night Lights tonight. What is better than a sports movie to pick me up?
I am the queen of the typo. Why does this thing now have spell check? (she says as she discovers that it does).
Happy hump day!
posted by TF @ 6:45 AM
1 Comments:
hey tali. if it's any consolation i am in one of those moods too. walking to work this morning, i saw a sign this morning for that said: "Lost Turtle" with a description. I am feeling pretty lost myself these days and have also been contemplating the creation of a much more private blog. What I've decided is I might just need to start writing in a diary again and continue to use my happyrobot space for creative writing. you are going through a major adjustment so just be gentle and kind to yourself and you will pull through no matter what ;-)
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