Scuba-terrified
So much to say, I don't even know where to start.
First, I have to say I saw something so funny yesterday that I neede to share. The Maple Leafs mascot - a big white bear - was wandering downtown Toronto - king Street, to be specific) at 8:45 yesterday morning. Along with his "handler" he was meandering around saying hello to Toronto business people. I found this all very funny. Toronto's business people, however, did not seem so amused. People barely acknowledged this source of much entertainment..no smiles....no acknowledgement of sweet Carleton the bear. He would smile and wave and people would just ignore it. It was a little bit pathetic. Are people in Toronto SO wrapped up in running to work to get there and sit at their desk and work for someone else that they can't even appreciate a little bit of humor in the morning. It was almost depressing.But it did make me appreciate the fact that I had a huge smile on my face. Even more, that I was happy and smiling and it was sunny and amazing outside. I don't know. It made me feel good to NOT be one of them. Not one of the miserable hoardes of people who never cracked a smile. YAY! Happy happy joy joy! Toronto business people need to lighten up a bit and learn to enjoy life. Ya only got one.
I'm completely nervous about the scuba diving this weekend. I'm so afraid I will forget to breathe or just not breathe properly. YIKES!
If I don't make it...Mom, Dad - I leave everything to you. Sort it all out.
I have to stop playing on Lavalife. There is just no one there i really feel that click with. I think it makes it worse using lavalife....it drives it home that there are just so many unmatchable people out there. It's kind of lonely. Just to reaffirm..I like being single...just some days...it woudl be nice to be with someone. A nice feeling .Some warm fuzzies. Sometimes I wonder how long you can be single before you lose the ability to feel these things. Already I think that I'm much tougher to be with than I was 10 years ago. So many more years of hurt and fear and self-preservation under my belt. I don't know.I worry. Anyhow, c'est la vie. I'm not in a hurry to settle down. Sometimes I just am curious about the possibilities.
My head is a scary place to be I tell ya :)
Ok, I'm off to get some work done. It is lovely out. Just lovely!
posted by TF @ 7:36 AM
1 Comments:
Some times I wake up in bed and I turn and there's no one else in there with me and I want there to be. I want to have someone I can just roll over to and hold.
That happens maybe once a month. The rest of the time I wake up and jump out of bed and I'm glad there's no one else there.
I do look at my stack of Buffy and Angel DVDs and think to myself that it would be nice to have someone to watch them all over again with. I do have sore muscles that want someone other than me rubbing them.
But doing whatever I want whenever I want. Being accountable to no one. Well, I like those things.
Not having to meet someone. Get to know them. Start dating them. Sleep with them.
And then have it all end. Cry. Feel worthless. Feel alone. Unloved. Feel like I'll never be loved. That I was born alone and that I'll die alone.
Yeah, I don't need that again. I've done that so many times in life.
So most days, I just think all that pain isn't worth it. Half of all marriages fail. Most relationships don't even reach marriage. The odds of things working out are so slim.
But I know what you mean. I like being single, but sometimes...
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