Tali in Toronto

Emotional Overload

I've been trying to be so optimistic and upbeat. Stay as positive as I can.But today was a horrible day. Email can be both a blessing and a nightmare. Because as much as you can get across with words, there is so much missing and so much room for misunderstanding. And that misunderstanding caused me so much sadness today and I don't know where to put it.
I reacted to an email. I read the meaning wrong. And my response, cause hurt on the other end. And it seems unfixeable. He won't let me fix it, won't talk to me, wont'..I don't know, open a dialogue.
I guess someone more logical would say it shows how much he cares. If he walks away and chooses not to speak to you because of a tonal misunderstanding. I'm not a logical person though and I'm sitting here trying exceptionally hard not to call him every 5 minutes and pressing send-receive every two seconds. Trying not to cry like a baby. Though not doing an exceptional job.
I guess there are no room for mistakes sometimes. I guess this was one of those times. I had hoped he knew me or cared enough to let me make those mistakes and know that underlying it was such emotion. That my response was purely self-preservation because I thought I had to prepare to say goodbye.
I downplayed much of this for my friends, I didn't want them to know I was, maybe foolishly, getting emotionally so involved with someone far far away. I'm not saying it was smart but it was real nonetheless. And intense. And strong.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because i feel cut off. I can't reach out and talk about this with him.
I don't know if he is reading this anymore. I hope that he does. Because I want him to know that I'm so upset right now. I want him to know the powerful effect he has had on me. And I want him to know that I'm thinking of him.
I'm turning into a stalker. I have no idea if he is screening my calls or just has his phone off. I guess I have no choice but to give up. Not somethign I have ever done easily. Not something I want to do.
I feel ill.
I feel stupid.
I feel sad.
I feel disconnected.
I feel frustrated.
I feel a deep sense of longing.
I feel so confused.
I feel like I want to fix this.
On the flipside, I'm angry. Angry that he won't talk to me right now. That what is said in a few emails goes. That it isn't worth a talk it isn't worth fixing or trying to understand. I'm wrecked.

I'm going back to bed. I'm going to get under the covers and cry like a baby until I have to get up and go out.

posted by TF @ 11:56 AM