Tali in Toronto

Anger is my friend

Sometimes I think I need to start a completely anonymous blog so I can vent about things I can't vent about here for fear of offending anyone who reads this. Not that I have mean things to say, but sometimes I want to let it all out and out of respect for so many relationships and people, I choose not to.
I'm not very good at letting to and saying what I feel. I'm so afraid to hurt feelings. I don't mean just on this blog, but in general. I have trouble getting angry. Even when I know I have a right to. I never do. And if I let a glimmer of it shine through, I feel SO guilty. So afraid that the person i'm angry at will just walk away. Will see through this facade of Tali and just realize I'm not worth it.
I know I know, no lectures on insecurity being my issue. I'm not looking for tough love right now.
SO FUCK OFF
(I'm practicing..did it work? Is anyone still reading this?)
I'm so frustrated.
How can one human being be so repressed when it comes to anger? What is it that scares me to much about saying to someone..listen, I'm pissed but I'll get over it. Just give me some space. I get a little bit angry and I feel compelled to throw myself at someone's mercy and beg forgiveness. I regret it. I'm terrified. I panic.
I need to get a grip.
Here's the thing. People get mad. We all do. Sometimes it is rational. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is completely ridiculous. But the people who love us will always forgive that and give us a break or try to understand where that is coming from and work with you to fix it. That is what I need to learn. I have to learn to believei n the power of a relationship. The end. If someone can't take the good AND the bad..then it is a problem. Because things will not always be good.
I'm trying o convince myself of this you see.
Here is the other thing I'm learning about me - I give 110% to everything and everyone. Everyone, that is, except for me. Somehow I've lived a life being ok wth giving myself the shitty end of the stick. Well, here is my anonymous moment to stand up for myself:

You (and you know who you are) what the fuck was up with that email today? Where you stand with me? Are you kidding me? You are exactly where you are asked to be. Out of my life. Dont email me unless you have something to say. I've had enough with your hot and cold or pretending that we are buddies. I'm not here to make YOU feel good about yourself or to make you feel less guilty about what an ass you act like with me. You were stupid and you let me go. You blew it.

You (and you know who YOU are) thanks again for calling me last Friday and starting all that shit about the history of our friendship and implying that I have ever asked anything of you other than what I was willing to give and have always given. And then all that guilt about how I haven't been there enough for you. please. I have always been there for you and you have NEVER been there for me. Never. I'm fed up with shouldering this friendship only to get nothing back in return. Not once did you call to ask me about my grandmother this week. Not once. You are so constantly wrapped up in you that there is no room for you to care about anyone else and I'm done with feeling bad about it.

and YOU (and you know who YOU are) EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT(so, I wrote a big paragraph today. And, as my friend put it, it was pretty raw and I'm not sure it how the person this is directed towards will react. So I'm going to take it out and discuss it with him. I will, however, let him see it. I just don't know if I think it should be posted for everyone to read.)

Ok, that is all I have for now. I'm going to post this. I may take it down. I have no idea yet. I just needed to say it all. So here it is. Said.

And I'm going to walk away NOT feeling guilty. (feeling guilty already..must post)

posted by TF @ 3:22 PM