Tali in Toronto

Day 2

I feel empty. I don't know what to do with myself right now.
Soon I need to be functional. But right now. I can't.
I'm out of bed and I don't want to be. But when I'm in bed my mind just runs over and over and over everything that happened.
I don't even know where to put it. How to deal with it.
I really don't.
He got angry over something so innocent. So meaningless. And that was enough to make him walk away. I guess he was looking for a reason to do it. To bail. It was pretty intense. Maybe he just decided he wanted out. But it kills me that in the morning it was all about a future and then he hates me.
I guess there is that fineline between love and hate.
Thank you anonymous poster. Thank you for comment (although I clicked on the underlined "you" and ended up at Ro's blog....which I was trying to avoid doing. I'm not always so swift these days. I meant to glide over it and see where the link was and because my keyboard is so sensitive, I clicked. I don't want him to think that I read it. It isn't my business to read it anymore).
The one thing I can say right now is that my friends take such good care of me. They always catch me when I fall. They never berrate me for getting hurt like this. They accept it as a psrt of my personality and they realize that with the good comes the bad - and that means getting hurt so badly that I don't really want to move. I can't imagine it being easy to deal with and see.
What hurts most is that I really really believed in this. I feel kind of stupid for it. I believed in it so much that I ached for it to be real. That I fought until I just couldn't anymore. I gave until it was all so much a part of me now that losing it makes me hurt everywhere.
There are so many feelings running around in me right now.
So many things I'm thinking and feeling.
I'm so confused.
I don't understand how this all fell apart. Or maybe the signs were there all along. Maybe I was just so busy seeing the silver lining around the dark cloud that I didn't see how big and ominous the cloud itself was.
I don't allow myself the luxury of disappearing. I don't allow myself the luxury of a total breakdown. I have this little worry that if I ever give into it, I'll never make it back out. I'll slip into a dark place i won't get out of.
So I fight to keep from drowning.
I'm going over to Amy's for breakfast this morning. It will be a good distraction.
I don't wan't to talk about him. I will cry. And I don't want to cry anymore. I'll save those tears for when I'm alone in my apartment and need to let it out. But not in front of everyone. Anyone.
I have to keep reminding myself that it just wasn't meant to be. That this hurt will go away and in the long run, it is for the best. That the right man for me won't hurt me over and over like this. I gave it my best. I have to remember that. I have to not hurt myself.
That is the hardest part. My own drive to beat myself up about everything.
I turn on my self and it is a terrible habit.
So here we go. I'm back in the place I hate. that difficult place where healing begins. The worst part. Where I have to go through the hurt. And I'm really really hurting.

posted by TF @ 6:34 AM