Tali in Toronto

Just Screwy

Some days just feel crappy. And I want to get on this blog and spill it all. Say all the things that make me sad and i find hard but because so many people I know read this, I feel like I have to edit down what I say so that no one gets hurt or i don't get into trouble. But it is hard. I feel like I findamentally get lost in the editing and this attempt at sharing myself is really not as effective as I would like.
But, I guess in the end we make due with what we have and go from there.
I'm grumpy and sad today. It is grey outside and i Wonder if that is what it is. If I am just getting hit by the weather and it is taking over my ability to think clearly. I feel lonely here these days. I'm not sure why and I get angry at myself for feeling it. Ihave a fantastic life. I may not be great with a budget...but I have a good job that people are totally jealous of, I have great friends who always make me feel loved, and I have a family that always makes me feel safe and taken care of, no matter how far away I am. So why is it that, deep down inside, I can't help but feel like something is missing. Does it really come down to not having a relationship? Because i Would hate to think that ultimately, not matter how hard I try, that is the only answer. And if so, that is a terrifying thought because i so often wonder if I am able to actually have a normal healthy relationship. What if i can't? What if it just isn't in the cards for me? I have a hard time connecting to people. Or men. I seem to be drawn to men who are unavailable. I'm sure that is a safety thing. I'm sure it is a way for me to maintain a healthy distance. Or a way to avoid taking a risk by knowing it will only lead to trouble. Why is it though that I know these things and can't do anything to stop them?
I'm definitely in the midst of some intense self pity.
I know it sounds stupid, but some days I just want someone to reassure me. Back me up. Tell me that they understand it is hard and that they think I am strong and can do this. I don't know why. Just one of those things. A stupid, pathetic moment of being needy. I allow myself so few of those without feeling bad about it. Something about asking for help kills me. I don't know why. It is definitely a sign of weakness in me. A strong person wouldn't me afraid to reach out when they need it. Not that I don't talk about my problems. I just hate asking people to do things other than listen for me. Does that make any sense?
I'm babbling today. I have too many thoughts. I can't get them all out because they don't make sense.
I would love to do some kind of voice blog. Where you can talk and people can listen. Like a tape recorded journal.
People have asked me why a blog that peoplecan read as opposed to a private live journal. I guess it is because I like people to know where I'm at. I want to hear advice or support or suggestions. I want to know there are people paying attention.
*sigh*I'm just screwy.

posted by TF @ 8:08 AM