Tali in Toronto

Ghosts

There are certain things i don't see in my future anymore. Kids...relationship...I don't see them. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a self-pity thing. I'm not saying this in the midst of a moment of misery. I'm saying it because i'm starting to recognize how things are changing for me. I'm not even sure that they are changing or that I am just starting to see the world for what it really is. I have a lot of female friends, who I love, but who seem to live for relationships. And the time they are single is just the time between men for them. Their constant goal being to be involved and be with someone or find someone to potentially be with. Maybe I'm just as bad, I don't even know anymore. I think that I am different, but I'm sure someone on the outside would have a better perspective than I do. People have said I have commitment issues. I can't argue. Relationships are scary. Getting involved is scary. I'm drawn to men I know i can't have. They are safe. Safe in that I look at them and know I will get hurt. There is no guessing games. I know that it is a no-win situation. It works for me. I'm never surprised. But i still let myself go completely. I fall hook, line, and sinker right from the start. Make myself totally vulnerable. Weird huh? Maybe i am a masochist.
Maybe I need to re-examine what exactly I'm hiding from then.
I have days where i just want to sit in a park and be invisible. I want to watch people and listen to their conversations and follow them home. I want to see what I am doing differently than other people. I just want to watch. I want to be a quiet observer. I want to be a ghost for awhile. Does that sound crazy?
I wonder who reads this blog. I know a lot of my friends don't. But I know people visit it. Who are you? I guess reading a blog is like being a ghost. You are an unobserved observer who can creep into someone's personal life by reading what they have written. Some of you ghosts know more about me and what I'm feeling lately then my closest friends and family.
Did you ever just feel off? No physically...just...feel not yourself. I wish I could pinpoint what it is exactly that feels...in flux. I wonder about my career choices...personal choices...my apartment....everything. But that isn't it specifically. It is something deeper. Or I'm just a drama queen. Or a little bit of both.
I'm having trouble concentrating lately. I'm distracted by everything. Not unhappy though. I mean, there is something that is making me sad. I feel sad. But not all the time. Just at night. Late at night. WHen I'm alone in my apartment and my mind starts to wander. Then I feel sad. But I think that will pass with time. I don't know when though.
Ok. I'm going to get some work done.

posted by TF @ 8:11 AM