Tali in Toronto

United Stats of Leland

Today was one of those bittersweet days for me.
I feel terrible. Emotionally wrecked and exhausted. I feel completely worn out and tired of running on that mouse wheel all the time. My brain is working overtime to piece together everything that has been happening and find a way to feel ok with it.
In the midst of all that hurt though, I went out to dinner wit ha bunch of friends and was reminded of how amazing a groupd of people I know here in this city.That no matter what happens and where I end up. I was lucky enough to meet so many people that I know care about me. And MB keeps making me laugh. Bastard. I'm trying to be miserable here.
So, bittersweet.
I'm just tired of being confused. I like to think I am honest. I feel what I feel and I go with that. But right now, I just don't know what exactly is the right thing to feel. I'm completely clueless.

SPOILER ALERT: The United States of Leland.

I love this movie. Why? I don't know. Because it was SO sad. And about being sad. And what sadness can drive you to. I'm building it up. I don't think this would reach out to anyone as much as it reached out to me. But, I don't care because I'm gonna force you all to endure it. Being thatg I felt like the ending to this movie was so well done, I decided to share with you the last scenes of the movie. I'm transcribing so be patient.

I think there are 2 ways you can see the world
Either see the sadness that’s behind everything, or you choose to keep it all out
I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t blame her.
It was a couple days after all that stuff with Becky that I got the plane ticket from my dad
I was excited to be back in the city, around Mrs.C too.
But as soon as I saw her, I could tell something was different.
She was divorced.
Turned out Mr.C cheated on her for almost the whole time they were married.
That night I told her about what happened with Becky
“It happens at different times for different people but it happens to everybody. It’s the worst part about growing up. Heartbreak. But, it’s a part of life”(Mrs.C)
“Seems like a pretty big part”(leland)
“That’s why you have to believe that life is more than the sum of it’s parts kiddo”(Mrs.C)
I kind of felt my heartbreaking for her. But I knew that was no good.I wanted to do something for her, but there wasn’t anything. There wasn’t one thing I could really do.
The electricity wasn’t in her eyes anymore. Her eyes were still reflecting what was there, but now it was the sadness.
I started to see it everywhere. The face was different but the same.
I saw it on Ryan worse than anybody. All the words they were teaching him were things to stay away from. There weren’t any words like strawberry. Or kiss. You could tell he really liked this girl who worked there. But she’d just smile at him. I started to think that he knew. He knew that nobody looked at him like a normal kid. People either laughed at him or felt sorry for him. He couldn’t do anything about it. He was trapped
I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t slept since New York.I would lie there and think about Mrs.C and I would think about Ryan and I felt things tight in my chest. I felt like I was drowning.
There is all the sadness and nothing you can do about it.
And all I wanted was for it to go away.
When I say I don’t remember that day, I’m not lying. I wish I could remember. But I don’t. At least not the stuff they want me to.
Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a why. Maybe somewhere there’s that thing that let’s you tie it up with a neat bow and bury it in the back yard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears. Nothing can make something that happened, unhappen.
“You know I’m sorry, don’t you Pearl?”
“I do, I know you are”
“That doesn’t change anything, I’m sorry”
The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. I think we don’t have god because we’re scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we’re really scared of the good stuff. ‘Cause if there is no god, that means it’s inside of us and we could me good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad thing, it would be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place.
“What are you doing you goofball…just go around…..come here…everything is ok. Everything is going to be ok. I promise” (leland to Ryan).

A character breakdown:
Leland: main character, accused of stabbing Ryan. Doesn't remember anything.
Ryan: Leland's ex-girlfriends brother who is mentally challenged
Becky: Leland's ex (recent)
Pearl: Leland's teacher in prison who forces him to write this essay explaining what happened.
Mrs.C: A woman Leland met when he went to NYC as a young teen alone. She and her family took him in. He was taken by how much they were a family and how happy they all seemed together (her, her husband, and children)

posted by TF @ 9:47 PM