Tali in Toronto

Strong?

Strength.
I often wonder if I qualify as strong. No wait, that's wrong. I look at myself and think I am pretty strong and often wonder what others think of me. Am I a strong person? Or have I just convinced myself that I am?
I look around and see people who can let themselves collapse and fall apart when things get rough, can ask their parents for money, aren't afraid to lean on other people and I'm completely envious of them. Envious of that ability to let go and breakdown.
I can't do it. I've never been able to. I have my moments of tears, but they rarely last longer than a commercial break. And everything always seems ok in the morning. I am confident in my friendships and family and most of the time in my skills, talents, and abilities.
Don't get me wrong. I'm human and have MANY insecurities (I'm too fat, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not tough enough, I'm not aggressive enough, etc..) but all in all, I think I have turned out pretty well. I am independant, I'm a survivor, I never let them see me sweat. I hardly let them see me cry.
I don't know.
I know that nothing that happens will break me. I know I will get through anything and there are a lot of things that will feel like crap. But I'm quite secure that I will get through them all.
But somedays..I just want to lie in bed and cry. Somedays I wish I could let myself just have that day of self-pity.
But it is the same thing always..I lie in bed....wake up at 9...will myself to fall asleep..and by 10 am, I'm making plans and up and out of the house.
I guess that is a good thing. Never letting anything get to me so much that I can't handle it. Knowing when to lean and when to be leaned on.

Come to think of it....I'm strong and damn proud of it.
:)

Back to Toronto tomorrow..yikes! Plans with the dude and then a dinner with some of the people I like best before leaving for Vancouver and hoping that everything works out.
NER - VOUS! I tells ya.

posted by TF @ 2:14 PM