Emotional Turret's
As long as I can remember...being upset..especially when it came to "relationship" issues hae brought about the same feelings. One of the biggest ones is shame. I have these..how can I describe them...day dreams. A flash. A vision of a moment of complete vulnerability. A smile. A touch. A kiss. A more intimate or sexual moment. It is there in front of me for one second. It is intensely vivid. And it hurts. It is like a cramp. I squeeze my eyes closed when it happens to make it stop. But that makes it more vivd. It is like my body is purging myself of everything I just want to forget. Like a flackback. It happens randomly. I'm working or walking or watching tv. I can only imagine what the people who are walking by me see. I want to disappear into me seat. I want it to go away. I feel sick. Nauseous when it happens. I bend over and breathe. Deep breaths until it is gone. Until the image is no right in front of my eyes.
I can't handle it. I want to go home and shower. Or drive a pin into my leg. Or peel the skin off my entire body and be untouched again. Something to make me feel something real. Something here and now. SOmething that will bring me back into the world.
It is like emotional turret's.
Then the shame creeps in. I'm ashamed of my behavior. Ashamed that I let myself go. I should have known better. Stupid stupid girl.Then I'm angry at myself for being ashamed that I followed an instinct. Stupid stupid girl. It is a vicious circle that I try desperately to break but it is so hard. I drive MB crazy, needing him to tell me over and over that I wasn't completely wrong...needing constant reassurance. I'm obsessive on a good day.
I'm never going to survive in this world if I don't learn to suck this all up better. If I don't train myself to disconnect from people. If i don't learn to be completely indifferent. Or at least convince myself that I am.
I want to yell, and scream, and throw a tantrum, and throw up. And then be fine. Really fine. Not surface fine. Not fine like the face I put on in front of everyone. But a fine that doesn't include going home at night and feeling worn out and completely unable to sleep because all these moments come rushing at me faster then I can process them all. Recent moment, old moments, personal moments, professional moments. Every moment where i Wished I would have done something differently.
I'm trying so hard not to be a girl. Not to harp. Not to cry. Not to wish I had kept my mouth shut. To believe that I deserve so much more.
We are all the same. Us women. We write the same blogs when we get hurt. We mourn. And we cry. And we analyze. And we ache. And we hold our tongue while inside we want to beg and plead. How do men do it? Walk away. Shut off like a faucet. Turn off one day as if you never existed.
My mind is a maze of self -pity and I'm getting you all lost in it now. I'm just the cruel minotaur who is going to trap you in my labyrinth. It is like a bad sci-fi story. The heartless minotaur traps the innocent village people so she can feed on their hearts to find a way to make hers feel whole again.
Can a minotaur be female? Does it matter right now?
I talk too much. The dentist aked if I clench my teeth. All I could think was "I wish". If I could learn to keep this mouth shut, my life would be a very different one. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
posted by TF @ 2:43 PM
2 Comments:
do you have any religious beliefs? might be a good time to explore that
"Cruel Minotaur"...
Isn't that a song by Moxy Fruvous?
Sounds like you're in the middle of an emotional shitstorm. I mean, sure you could go and find some god ro another to blame it on/share with... Or you can go try and figure out when you started reacting like this, and why you keep doing it.
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