Tali in Toronto

Ok, I AM crazy. Phew, that explains it.

It was a crazy weekend. I think that is the best way to describe it.
I had a lovely day on Center Island with the delightful MB on Friday (Canada Day).
And then Saturday, things got weird. I went on a date. That started at noone. He left at three the next day. It was a whilrwind of talking and hanging out..and I won't lie, things go physical. And then the next day he left. And it broke me like a twig. I feel it. Those moments when you have to accept the reality of life and the truth sets in and you have that moment of "he may never call you again". And all my walls go up. I feel them start to build. I feel things inside me shut down and even though he was still lying there next to me...he was gone. I was prepared. He was walking out and i would never see him again and I hated it. And I immediately turned on myself. I was stupid. Stupid for getting involved. I knew better. I knew what he was about. I turn vicious. I hate myself. I'm angry and I'm hurt.
It is this weird protective circle I twist myself into because I somehow think it is the only way to save myself from future disappointment. Does it work? Hells no.
I liked him. I actually liked him. He was easy to be around and comfortable and it just felt really nice. And that scares me. And the truth is, it scares me to think that he won't call because then I have to condier the possibility that it is because of me. I don't know. I have a million thoughts swirling around in my head these days and i would say that 99% of them are defense mechanisms.
He called yesterday morning to make sure I had his number. I know, it is a good thing. But then I sit here staring at the number in my phone and wondering exactly what to do with it. When to call..if I should call....what should I say. And then this all becomes a game. And I hate that even more. It's a game that I don't want to play because it isn't honestly me.
Why am I so crazy? Because years of bad relationships have made me that way? Or am I just a complete nut?
I'm thrown off by these things. And it is always the same thing. I get stressed and upset when I like someone. Because i feel a crack in the shell and realize I am vulnerable to someone else . VUlnerable to their whims and desires and needs and wants and fear overcomes anything else.
I just don't know.
ARGH!
I'm frustrating myself for no good reason. Well, the reason being I'm insane.
My god, I hope he doesn't know about the existance of this blog. Or I am sunk. Humiliated and sunk. These inner ramblings are only for everyone else's eyes..not his.

posted by TF @ 9:30 AM