Ugh
So last night I went to a pretty cool party. I'm not going to lie to you. Jay-Z walked by me as did Mick Jagger, and a couple of the Wayans brothers. Uh-huh....hanging with celebs.
There were a lot of beutiful people there and, let me tell you, I felt thoroughly inadequate. It was fun to people watch but gatherings like that only bring out my each and every insecurity. And they were there in full force yesterday. I need to be at a party with average people and then I'll fit in much better.
*sigh*When am I goin to make it back into my happy place? How do I fix all this?? I wish there wasw an easy fix...Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style. I've turned into this miserable whiney baby. I hate it. That isn't even true...during the day..I can maintain my stiff upper lip. It is at night that I crumble.
I so wanted a happy ending with this one. I wanted this to be completely different and I wanted there to be some big magical realization. But I knew it wouldn't happen. As much as I knew it wouldn't, that desperat secret part of me hoped I was immensely wrong. Some tiny part of me that wanted to give any feelings that were there the benefit of the doubt.
I must hate myself. I do this to myself.I put myself in the path of these emotional disasters. I'm an idiot. ARGH!
Do you ever feel that you are the victim of your own naivete?
2 weeks today. It wasn't destined to be. How long until this doesn't bother me?
posted by TF @ 8:19 AM
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