Tali in Toronto

It is 1:57 am and I'm not sleeping. I can't sleep.
I always start off with best intentions. I stay up a little late and I curl up in bed and throw on a DVD and I know that I should sleep before I get to a point where all emotions get the better of me. But I was never good at following the right path. I reach a point of no return. Something small triggers a reaction. A reaction so small and seemingly insignificant, but that I know will cause a chain reaction and bring up the sadness and emptiness I spend so much time and effort keeping hidden deep down inside. And before I realize it, I feel the tears brimming and i don't know why. I don't know why they are there and I don't know why I suddenly feel this immense sadness.
There are two kinds of crying. The tears that spill and never reach the emotional climax you need them to reach to be satisfying. Where you have a moment of sadness and then you fall asleep or get distracted so you let it go. Then there are the moments where you allow yourself to let go and give in to whatever it is that is eating away at you and let it all out. And you feel it reach that point where you know you can safely cry and fall asleep knowing you have gotten it out of your system.
I never manage to get to those second kind of tears. That would involve letting go. Giving up some kind of control I fight so hard to have all the time. More likely than not, that inability to let go leaves me with a weight constantly. A weight I can't shake because I can't open myself enough to lost control. Between you and me, the truth is more that I worry if I let go as completely as I need to, I'll never get control back. I'll lose myself into a dark place that scares me. And I don't want to be in that place. I don't think I would have the strength to get myself out.
I know this stems from being tired. I know because the tears start always at the same time the consistent yawning does. I know emotions are heighteneed by emotions. I think that is why I never fully let go. It is easier to go to sleep and wake up to the sun shining through my window and making me feel happy.
It is always over as quickly as it began. The tears stop and I lose the moment. I'm both happy and sad to see it go. There are so few moments of pure emotion and those moments are the purest for me. When you are happy, we can't help but look forward to when we aren't happy and worry about when something will make us unhappy or when we will lose the thing that brings us joy. But when we are sad...nothing can fix that. We can dive right in and feel it. There is no easy fix. It is intense and pure and real. And that is why I secretly revel in it. It makes me alive, this intense emotion. It is the only one I really believe in. That I never feel fooled by.

posted by TF @ 10:57 PM