Tali in Toronto

I am insane - please don't read this

I am ever teetering on the edge of picking up the phone and calling him myself. A desperate attempt to hold onto a feeling I had that was possibly based on nothing real at all. It is moments like this when I reach out to my friends for an emotional intervention. I want them to remind me why it is a bad idea to throw myself at someone else's mercy. It is like a drug. I want my fix. I want th bad feelings to go away.I know it isn't him...the dude...who I am mourning over right now. But something much deeper. Being in a new city and losing the close contact I had with my family on a regular basis. It triggers some insecurity in me that is triggered by the dude's behavior. At the same time, I recognize that there was something about my time with him that made me feel somethign I hadn't felt with someone in a long time, if ever. And that tiny glimpse of something that intense and good has left an even more intense feeling of loss inside me. I want to say I miss him. But that seems not possible. How can you miss someone you barely knew. Can you miss something that you thought you might have? Can you miss a possibility? The sound of my own whining and complaining makes me ill, but I feel compelled to get these words out of me. TO get them down on paper so my friends can read it and remind me that I am going to be ok. Even though I know it. Even though I know this is the tiniest speed bump..it feels as intense as the worst train wreck.
I want him to call I want him to call I want him to call. There. I said it. tali who proclaims not to be needy and to be perfedctly ok being single wants a guy to call and would willingly give up the single life and all freedoms that come along with it for this guy. Because I like him. I really like him. I really liked the way he felt to be with. I liked when he looked at me. I liked when he called me.I'm obsessed. Is this what obsession is? Am I completely insane? AM I?
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I'm completely lost right now. And it scares me.
The funny part is, if not for this blog, no one but one or maybe two friends would know how hard a time I'm having with all this.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Ok..this is over now. I miss him. I like him. If I heard from him, I would be delighted. But if I don't, it is his loss. I'm done with it. This has to end here and I have to stop torturing myself. I have to stop all this self abuse. It isn't normal and healthy.
OK..I'm off to bed.
Can anyone give me a labotomy for a few days?

posted by TF @ 9:04 PM