Ack. Uck. Boo
Tuesday.
I'm two and a half days away from coming back to Toronto and I'm terrified. Utterly and completely terrified. I have no idea what is coming in my direction right now.
I am all over the place these days.
From the dude to the work to the other stuff going on. I have no idea what to think or what to worry about or what to be ok with.
I'm all over the place.
It is an emotional roller coaster - hapy to miserable..confident to terrified.
Transition. I guess that is what this is called. I'm completely transitional.
Which makes me open for all kinds of trouble.
Ha! This blog is so inconsistent. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I think it is a product of me writing these blogs from a cyber cafe instead of from the comfort of my own home where i can lost in the emotion of the words. Here I'm cool calm, and collected.
The dude called me today, and in true dude style I got off the phone feeling like I am completely inept in every way, shape, and form. How does he manage to make me feel like an idiot everytime we talk? Oh, I know. Because I AM an idiot. And it comes out EVERYTIME we talk. Great.
Why is it I am so drawn to him? What is wrong with me?
I'm unbelievably concerned about my career situation right now. And i can tell because I'm avoiding confronting it or dealing with it. It is just too scary for me to think about right now. I don't know how to make it better or what the answer is.
It makes me feel off. I feel off all the time right now.
People ask me what it is I want to be doing and i have no answer. I don't know what I want to be doing, and I don't have the time to figure it out. I need to find and job and fast. Or I'm in trouble.
Now that is a little pressure.
Ok, I can't write here. there is no flow. But I'm alive and all is well. Seth came back from Mexico, so I've been hanging with him which is fun. It is cool just to have someone to be silly with.
I'm off to go for a walk. Throw my self into the ocean. Something like that.
posted by TF @ 1:54 PM
5 Comments:
You're drawn to him because you can't have him. And he calls you, because he recognises that you are a sucker who he has on the end of his hook. In short - you let him treat you this way and openly encourage him to. Ask yourself this: if, by some miracle, he asked you to be with him, could you trust him? Or would it be hard work to? If the answer to either of those questions is 'no' then you have to walk away. If the answer to either of these questions is 'yes' then you have to be lying to yourself.
I think that if ever someone is making you feel bad then you need to walk away. You are an idiot for keeping someone around who only seems to make you feel bad. You are not an idiot but if you keep him around you are.
Why are women so needy and desperate at times? Why dont' you know your self worth, self confidence and stand up for yourself? This guy wouldn't even be attracted to you if you were confident. Trust me, any normal guy wouldn't want someone who called themselves stupid and who had no back bone.
One last thing, throw positive energy into the universe and it will come back to you. Why would anyone want to hire someone who is negative and has all this self doubt. You need to sell yourself to people in this world. Right now you are not doing a very good job. The only people buying are losers.
"Idiot"? "No backbone"? "Not doing a very good job"? Hey, anonymous: if you're all about "throwing positive energy into the universe" so it'll come back to you, I think you're in for a surprise. You'll be getting some nasty shit back.
Just a thought, why are you guys getting so upset with me for my opinion. i am only trying to help and wake you up. Maybe it is in a tough love way but i mean come on, as her friends how could you read this blog and let her ramble on like that? You shouldn't say such negative things about yourself because you will start believing them and it does affect your life.
Like I said, "tough love" is just a convenient way to be an ass and convince yourself it's okay. If you stopped to actually read this blog, you'd see that you've missed the point. How someone FEELS is not necessarily what they BELIEVE about themselves, and sometimes you need to let it out. No one needs "help" from someone who uses the language that you do.
If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/partner, I hope you're putting aside some money for future counselling. "...let her ramble on like that?" What would you do to stop someone talking about their feelings? And why would you, unless you're a dick?
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