Tali in Toronto

BE WARNED: This is emotional. The ramblings of instability and heartbreak

Sometimes I wonder if there is a moment. A moment where you can hear the dam break inside you. Even if it is just a fleeting moment. I felt that tonight.
You hear whispers in the wind that you can choose to ignore Rumor and speculation. But when confronted with cold hard fact, then the ballgame changes.
I know I can be foolish. I know I feel things I shouldn't. I know I get involved when I should turn around and run screaming. I know I was warned and continue to be warned. I know I'm taken in because I allow it.
It is funny how you can feel a mix of extreme hurt and sadness and embarassment and the only reaction that works is breaking down in tears.
But tears are not always satisfying. Because the one person you want them to spill on is rarely there to mop them up.
I'm embarrassed that I was not smarter. I'm embarassed that I care about something I should be either indfferent to or annoyed about. I'm embarassed that people know about it. I'm embarassed that I am so upset and I don't really understand why.
The dude has it right - whether or not we agree with him. He turns it on and on like a lightswitch. On so rarely hardly anyone can see it, off when anyone gets too close. I wish i had that power. At least right now. I wish I could honestly look into the eyes of my well intentioned friends and tell them they are right and I will never speak to him again and mean it. And be sure that is what I wanted without having this little tiny lingering doubt. That little tiny voice that says "it had to mean something. It can't have been all in my head.".
Do we see things that don't exist because we want to see them? Do we search for ghosts? Do we hold onto things that aren't there because having something to hold onto, even the tiniest glimmer of something, is less scary then having nothing?
I don't know. I'm confused.
No, not confused. Weak.
I hate the answer. I hate myself for answering the phone. I hate my heart for palpitating when I get the messages. I hate that I can't tell him I hate him. I hate that I don't hate him. I hate that I hate me instead.
It is a vicious circle.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I'm so angry and sad and tired and ANGRY. I'm angry. Never at the right person though. I'm angry at myself for what I perceive to be a weakness I can't shake.
I just want to know that it made him sad. I know I felt something. I know something had to exist there. Even if it wasn't sustainable. I have to know it was something. I have to not be wrong again.
He won't let me go though. He'll keep me close enough to know I'm there. To see my figure in the shadows. To feel my presence when he needs to remember how it feels. But no closer than that. Not close enough to reach out and touch.
NO NO NO NO. This is RIDICULOUS. I am RIDICULOUS. I should be indifferent. I should feel nothing.
It was funny, the last time I saw him I told him this may be the last time we ever saw eachother. And though he was convince it wouldn't be, I was sure it was. He said it was a risk he was willing to take, knowing the last time was on good terms. I had to laugh. Brave enough to risk losing someone. Why are so few people willing to risk holding onto someone?
I'm an emotional fool. Humiliated, I am off to bed to wake up tomorrow and regret writing this. But, a blog is for letting this all out. So here I go.
I can't wear contact lenses anymore. My eyes don't produce enough tears, said the eye doctor. But tonight they seemed to have no problem with that.

posted by TF @ 11:20 PM