Tali in Toronto

Wish there was more

I'm back in TO.
Sitting in my place, staring at the walls and wondering and worrying about what is coming down the pipe for me. Despite great support from friends and family I still feel nervous. I'm still worried I won't find a job. Or more worried about the time until I do. Watching every penny. Applying for jobs. Waiting.......waiting.......waiting.
I'm not a patient person. Waiting is extremely difficuly.
I'm better at the instant gratification.
I want what I want and I want it now.
I slept on and off all day yesterday. The red-eye threw me off completely. No concept of time. Not that I really need one right now. I was so out of it.
I'm finding the toughest thing right now is to figure out how to use my time. It is like a big clean slate and i have no idea what to do with it. It is a weird feeling.
I just feel..directionless.
One day blurrs into another. There is nothing to define eachone.
I wish I had the drive to write. I would love to just sit around and write.
That would be lovely.
No word from the dude. I grapple often with why i want to be speaking to him exactly. Why do I eagerly await his call. I know the answer is to let it go. Not take his calls, not answer his emails. I just don't know that I have th stonmach for it right now. Why do I have to be the hardass here when I don't want to. I don't want to give up because I don't want to let go because I want him to change his mind. So ridiculous. I know i just have to be the tough one here, but I can't do it. My friend AZ says I'm just not ready yet, to give up all the drama. Maybe she's right. Maybe it is that simple. I just need more time to be ok with it.
Ok, I'm off to watch TV, make some food, and get ready for games night with AB and JP.
How was everyone's weekend?

posted by TF @ 4:11 PM