Long day
It is 5:30 and I'm still at work. I'm not in a hurry to go home. Work keeps me holding onto my composure. I have to keep a happy face here. I have to stay upbeat and positive. I have to keep it together.
Only once I get home to I get to let go and hate myself for a little while.
It is amazing how quickly I turn on myself.
Hate myself for being open for one second to some kind of possibility.
I feel like a silly little girl who has read one to many failry tales and still secretly believes in happy ending and Santa Claus even though i know better and all evidence points to the fact that such things don't exist.
It just makes me tired.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I really need something to change. I need something different. Something...I don't know. Something I can hold onto and believe in for a little while. Something that makes me feel safe enough to let go and be happy. Even with him...as much as I adored the attention, my gut instinct was never good. I always knew it was fleeting on a good day.
And the truth is...I'm not even mad at him. I really have no bad feelings towards him. Just this really intense sadness.
But i think I'm probably sad for me. For that little girl in me who holds on so tight to that belief that one day there will be some kind of happily ever after and who aches every time she is reminded that it may just not exist.
I'm rambling.
Walking home with Elana.
Thank goodness for good friends.
Without them, I would be lost right now.
Sad Thursdays
There is nothing more difficult then an ending. Despite all those optimistic cliche's that say "when one door closes, another opens" or "every cloud has a silver lining". Though they may be true, getting to that point where you can see that...that period of time is the worst.
So things have come to an end with me and the person you have all heard me mention so many times, Though this won't come as a surprise to anyone who has had to listen to me figure this out in my own head the past couple of weeks.
I'm finding it really sad.
He is a great guy and I truly have no ill will. There is no cause for it. It is just not the right place and time. But it was nice, for a little while, to have that feeling that someone was thinking about me the same way I was thinking about them.
I think what I struggle with most is the complete turn around. The on and off like a light switch. People's walls go up and that happens. I can't and don't hold a grudge. But it is so extraordinarily difficult NOT to take it personally and not to blame myself and not to let myself be consumed with "what did i do to make him change his mind". A total product of my own insecurities, granted, but still hard to deal with nonetheless.
It is hard to say those words too. They aren't words you can go back on or take back. I know i can't speak to him. At least not now. I know I have to put space between us. Big space. I wish I had his ability to shut off. I would love that right now. If I could just turn off anything that I did feel and chalk ir up to nothing.
It is really....tough.
I could write a book on all the things I feel right now. I'm not angry and I'm not "hurt". Not in that...he's a jerk I can't believe he did that kind of way. I'm more...sad I guess. Sad to know you have to stop speaking to someone you genuinely enjoy. I'm just not ready to do the "let's just be friends" thing. It would be too hard. It is too hard for me to understand why everything changed all of a sudden.
Ugh. I'm bored with this topic.
So I'm off to throw myself into my work and think long and hard about where i go from here and what happens now.
I'm sure I'll be back.
Sweet Strangers
It has been a long couple of weeks and I've had to spend a lot of time evaluating what it is I want and need lately. I'm pms-y...I'm tired...I'm stressed...I'm tired of being sick. All in all, I'm just cranky.
Just when I think nothing can make me feel better, I got an email. An email from a total stranger that made me feel so good. So I'm going to cut and paste it here...and hope he doesn't mind (no names of course)
"I came accross your blog on a search for something else entirely, but was stopped in my tracks by your prose. I'm not sure what it was exactly -- your "successful-but-insecure-in-a-cute-kind-of-way" style, your honest introspection,or the way you share your thoughts on everything from the trivial to the deepest feelings in your heart -- but I was both moved and captivated by your writting.I myself just recently moved to Toronto, and your experiences reflect my own inmany ways. Anyway, I just wanted to say "thank you". It's so rare in this cityto make a real human connection with a stranger... but for just one moment,your story gave me a sense of solidarity that I've rarely felt for anyone outside close friends and family. Best wishes"
It is amazing how much the word of a complete stranger can reach out and touch you. Amazing that he read my blog and appreciated what I wrote.
Just such a nice feeling. So, stranger, I just wanted to thank you for the email. I can't even begin to tell you how it made my day.
Lyrics
Do you ever listen to a song that just gives you goosebumps?
I just was listening to some Coldplay - revisiting what I LOVE - and Warning Signs came on and I was reminded of what a fantastically sad song it is.
Don't get me wrong. It is great. But so sad. All about regret and losing someone you only realize afterwards that you shouldn't have let go. So depressing. But who hasn't been there?
I so can't wait for the new COldplay album to come out. Woohoo!
So I thought i would pop those lyrics here for all to read.
Enjoy:
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in,
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in,
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.
Woohoo!
It's the weekend. YAY!
THE FREAKIN' WEEKEND!
I'm excited to just have some downtime :)
Tonight - a wild party out with the girls (ok, probably not so wild).
How is everyone doing out there? Share your weekend stories with me.
I beg of you!
Brand New Day
This city is weird.
Lots of aggressive icky stuff going on.
People setting themselves on fire, throwing kids off overpasses, attacking police.
So weird.
So scary.
Really teaches you that you have to appreciate all the things you have in life and all the people who are good to you. Even when nothing else seems to be going right.
Mr.TRC was talking about how those people must really have no one to go to. No one to talk to.
So sad.
I have to say, I'm delighted to have such fantastic friends and family.
No matter what may be going on in my life. They always get me through.
Scream until it hurts.
All I want it a pillow.
Give me a pillow so I can hold it and scream until I get this all out of my system.
Sound good?
Raptors game tonight.
The secrets out - I'm a crazy person.
I'm learning as I get older that there will always be people who catch you off guard.
People who, despite your best efforts to scare them off, can ignore all that and see who you are behind that.
And finding people like that. It is a weird feeling. I find I both wanna run far far away for fear they will actually see who I am deep down inside and hate that and at the same time wanna be near that person and throw your arms around them and make the clock stop so you can just be close to them for a few minutes longer.
I hate how vulnerability makes me so unsettled.
Ugh. I have a million and one thoughts running through my head and I can't seem to find a way to express myself. I can't seem to find the right way to say all the things I wish I could say. Both in general and to specific people.
Even rereading the few lines I just wrote - it all seems so trite.
*sigh*
Is it possible I have just lost my ability to communicate? Or do someone people just make it harder to say the right things because you are so petrified of what their response may be?
I choose number 2.
Who does number 2 work for?
(ha, Austin Powers reference).
Not me I tell you.
I am acting like a complete ass of late.
Granted. I'm tired. I got my period. I got sick.
Wrap that up all together and I know I've been a little out of sorts.
I feel much better today. Back on sane footing.
But i would still get to the root of my issue.
I guess I know what it is. Something about meeting someone i like - who isn't an asshole - freaks me out. I'm afraid to get used to it. I'm afraid to just enjoy it. I'm afraid that he is going to realize I just don't deserve it.
My god, that sounds unbelievably stupid when i reread that.
I sound like a crazy person.
I guess maybe it is simple. In this disaster that I call my move to Toroto I met this really nice person, who calls every night to just say hi and see how I am and thinks about me even when I'm convinced he doesn't. And i like him. And that kinda scares me. But I do. And I don't even know that I've admitted that outloud. I certainly haven't told him.
(although if he does actually read this blog, I guess he knows it now).
So there you have it kids. The truth is out. I act absolutely insane when I like someone. Certifiable.
Nuts.
Cuckoo
Off my rocker
Wow, now i really hope he doesn't see this.
I shouldn't even post this.
But, I will.
:)
Someone...fix me please.
I've been so out of touch. This being sick completely effected my ability to stay in touch and keep the plethora of people reading this connected.
At the very least..I know Steph reads this. So it is all for you baby :)
So last week I got the worst cold. It rocked my world - and not in a good way. I felt so weak it was ridiculous. I really hate being sick. I hate feeling like i can't do the things I want to be doing. Physically I can't do them and emotionally I also felt taxed. I was so tired and anything set me off into hysterical tears. I've also discovered tht having too much time to lie around and think about things isn't healthy either. It was all about making myself crazy for a few days.
But, I survived and had a really nice weekend. Jen W. was in town and it is always awesome to see her. It will be awhile before she and i get to spend time together again so it was nice to see her. I got to see Steph and Evan's house post reno's and it is really nice. Good work guys. Got this great open style...
Spending time with Jen...it was like being around family. Which is nice when you are sick. All about being with people yo uare comfortable around.
And then Sunday night I spent some time with Mr.TRC. Another delight. As I told him last night, his little technique - which openly cracks me up - to get me lying on the couch (vs. sitting up) is hilarity. Instead of telling me he wants to lie down...he'll just push me over. Smooth I tell ya. As smooth as silk. In fact, I'm kinda giggling just thinking about it.
Mr.TRC also brought me a present...and awesome wonder woman t-shirt that I love to bits. Gotta love the sparkly letters. It is so cool. I wore it to work yesterday and scored many a compliment. He's a good egg, this young man. Never fails to make me laugh. Who can resist that?
Don't tell him, but I think I may have a big crush on him. But I don't want it getting to his head.
I'd gush over him more..but he reads this, and I'm not quite ready for him to hear all that yet. I gotta remain mysterious.
Yesterday I was back at work. Plugging away.
Then it was off to dinner with Mr.MB for delish sushi. Mmmmm...sushi on Bloor. I can't resist.
Now it is Tuesday and I'm enjoying yet another day at my desk.
Although I have this goofy smile on my face and I'm a little distracted thinking about some young guy....
Hump day.
Oh, yes it is.
Middle of the week and soon it will be the weekend. YAHOO!
Ok...first thing first - I have to say - Carol baby...wherever you are...you know I love you and only you.
She's been waiting for that.
I finally had my pictures from my party on Sunday night uploaded to my computer. YAY! Let me know if you want to see them and have a laugh at my expense and I will send you are link. Let's just there were some wild and crazy times.
Nothing interesting to say. I still don't feel great but feeling a bit better. Definitely need to go home and just relax tonight. I love the idea of just doing nothing. I just have no energy right now. If I wasn't so busy at work I probably wouldn't have come in at all. But as a wise friend once said - sick days are more fun to use when you aren't actually sick.
5 more hours and then I am going home. I can't wait.
Warm bed. Warm shower. All new episode of Lost. What a delightful night.
Hello. I'm boring.
I have nothing to say.
Booooooo.
What should I have for lunch today?
*cough* cough*
I think I have a cough.
And it TRULY sucks. I can't stand being sick. I'm not good at weakness. Booooooo.
So now I'm going to crawl home and sit on my couch and feel miserable. No TLC for me tonight. See, days like this I need to be in Montreal so I can drag myself to my moms and sit around being miserable there.
Waaaaah.
I have nothing interesting to say at all.
I hate coughing. I hate when people are coughing all over the TTC and I hate being the person that coughs all over the TTC. What a horrible feeling.
I SUCK!
I keep having to clear my throat like i Have somethign important to say.
The truth is..I don't. I'm really unimportant and boring. At least I am today.
Anyone have a magic remedy for a cough?
