The world's most boring update.
Hello out there....how is everyone?
I know I know, I haven't been maintaining this blog as much as i would like to. But I'm in a locale with no email..so I'll rn to the internet cafe once in a while to let you all know I'm still alive.
Internet cafe. Wrong term. The sweaty dark room with uncomfortable short chairs and old computers that chargers me too much an hour to sit here and be uncomfortable. Boo.
But for you, anyone reading about this, I will suffer the discomfort.
Yesterday I had an interview for a job i would really like. I think it ent well, but how can one ever tell. Hopefully I will hear something in the next week or so. I bascially told them I am going back to Toronto in a couple of weeks to Move or to live..but no more back and forth for anything other than vacations. So there is a chance I will have to re-evaluate my career. So scary. 6 years of hard work seem to mean nothing right now and that is just depressing.
Vancouver is relaxing though and being around Dad allows me to sit back and not worry. He takes good care of me.
No word from the dude. I guess I expected that. But the reality is always more depressing the the build-up....at least when it comes to intense disappointment. I know I know, it just wasn't meant to be. I get that. But it sucks.
What else can I report? I'm boring.
Boooorrrrriiinnnngggggggggg.
I watched the Brown Bunny this morning. I have to say...the entire movie..boring. and then the last 10 minutes..Chloe S. gives some full on head. You see penis and everything. I was like.....WTF??? I had NO idea it was that graphic. If you show penis, doesn't that mean it qualifies as porn. It was not hot. Here ie what I was wondering though....doesn't it feel weird to get a hard on in front of a crew? And wasn't it weird for her to be blowing her ex in front of all these people? I just don't get it and sure couldn't do it. I can totally surprised. Anyone see it? Opinions?
I want this job I need everyone to think happy employment thoughts.
There is a cupcake shop here and I can't stop eating cupcakes. I have a problem I admit it. I'm gonna just get FAT!
Woohoo.
In Vancouver
Here I am, in a tiny, sweaty internet cafe in lovely Vancouver. It is weird to be here. Weird to be contemplating my future all over again. But as always, Vancouver is lovely. It is sunny and blue skied and I drove in and admired the mountains. It was beautiful.
But despite the beauty, I'm still feeling confused and scared and sad.
I know that will pass with time. But it is hard being in flux.
My dad is great, as always, and I'm getting ready to head out for a long walk along the seawall before heading to his office to meet him and go for a walk home with him.
I don't have much to say. I just got here yesterday and I'm still adjusting.
But, I wanted to let you all know I am safe and sound and will continue to update whenever I can get online.
Now, I must go soak up some beauty!
United Stats of Leland
Today was one of those bittersweet days for me.
I feel terrible. Emotionally wrecked and exhausted. I feel completely worn out and tired of running on that mouse wheel all the time. My brain is working overtime to piece together everything that has been happening and find a way to feel ok with it.
In the midst of all that hurt though, I went out to dinner wit ha bunch of friends and was reminded of how amazing a groupd of people I know here in this city.That no matter what happens and where I end up. I was lucky enough to meet so many people that I know care about me. And MB keeps making me laugh. Bastard. I'm trying to be miserable here.
So, bittersweet.
I'm just tired of being confused. I like to think I am honest. I feel what I feel and I go with that. But right now, I just don't know what exactly is the right thing to feel. I'm completely clueless.
SPOILER ALERT: The United States of Leland.
I love this movie. Why? I don't know. Because it was SO sad. And about being sad. And what sadness can drive you to. I'm building it up. I don't think this would reach out to anyone as much as it reached out to me. But, I don't care because I'm gonna force you all to endure it. Being thatg I felt like the ending to this movie was so well done, I decided to share with you the last scenes of the movie. I'm transcribing so be patient.
I think there are 2 ways you can see the world
Either see the sadness that’s behind everything, or you choose to keep it all out
I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t blame her.
It was a couple days after all that stuff with Becky that I got the plane ticket from my dad
I was excited to be back in the city, around Mrs.C too.
But as soon as I saw her, I could tell something was different.
She was divorced.
Turned out Mr.C cheated on her for almost the whole time they were married.
That night I told her about what happened with Becky
“It happens at different times for different people but it happens to everybody. It’s the worst part about growing up. Heartbreak. But, it’s a part of life”(Mrs.C)
“Seems like a pretty big part”(leland)
“That’s why you have to believe that life is more than the sum of it’s parts kiddo”(Mrs.C)
I kind of felt my heartbreaking for her. But I knew that was no good.I wanted to do something for her, but there wasn’t anything. There wasn’t one thing I could really do.
The electricity wasn’t in her eyes anymore. Her eyes were still reflecting what was there, but now it was the sadness.
I started to see it everywhere. The face was different but the same.
I saw it on Ryan worse than anybody. All the words they were teaching him were things to stay away from. There weren’t any words like strawberry. Or kiss. You could tell he really liked this girl who worked there. But she’d just smile at him. I started to think that he knew. He knew that nobody looked at him like a normal kid. People either laughed at him or felt sorry for him. He couldn’t do anything about it. He was trapped
I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t slept since New York.I would lie there and think about Mrs.C and I would think about Ryan and I felt things tight in my chest. I felt like I was drowning.
There is all the sadness and nothing you can do about it.
And all I wanted was for it to go away.
When I say I don’t remember that day, I’m not lying. I wish I could remember. But I don’t. At least not the stuff they want me to.
Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a why. Maybe somewhere there’s that thing that let’s you tie it up with a neat bow and bury it in the back yard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears. Nothing can make something that happened, unhappen.
“You know I’m sorry, don’t you Pearl?”
“I do, I know you are”
“That doesn’t change anything, I’m sorry”
The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. I think we don’t have god because we’re scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we’re really scared of the good stuff. ‘Cause if there is no god, that means it’s inside of us and we could me good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad thing, it would be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place.
“What are you doing you goofball…just go around…..come here…everything is ok. Everything is going to be ok. I promise” (leland to Ryan).
A character breakdown:
Leland: main character, accused of stabbing Ryan. Doesn't remember anything.
Ryan: Leland's ex-girlfriends brother who is mentally challenged
Becky: Leland's ex (recent)
Pearl: Leland's teacher in prison who forces him to write this essay explaining what happened.
Mrs.C: A woman Leland met when he went to NYC as a young teen alone. She and her family took him in. He was taken by how much they were a family and how happy they all seemed together (her, her husband, and children)
HA! So there.
The delightful MB wrote an interesting blog today featuring the following paragraph:
"Hydroponic viagra militant Islam Michael Jackson al Quaida Gaza bikini get-rich-quick teenage amateur exhibitionist stock tips sports scores weather how-to gambling texas hold-'em escort auction camgirl penis enlargment diploma cheerleader porn now available."
What the hell does that mean? Well, other then me getting some sweet revenge by putting it in my blog, it means MB is crazy! But in that good, fun to hang out with kinda way.
Go see go see:
http://beechwill.blogspot.com
No salvation
I reached out for tomething tangible and real. Something in tense and alive. And try as I might, there was nothing there to grab onto. So I'm drowning.
In the process, I made a fool of myself. I threw myself at a wall, hoping for something that a wall can't give. It isn't his fault. No one's fault but mine. I live in a world filled with romantic ideals. At least in my head. For all my toughness outside, insideI just want someone to see how very vulnerable I am.I just want someone to handle me like I'm breakable. Like I'm delicate and fragile. I want someone to see I'm broken and put me back together. But I can never let my guard down enough to show it. And when I do, it comes out pathetic. More like begging than asking.
I know this was my fault. I opened the door. I did it. It is all my fault. I broke my own heart. It is true what they say, we are our own worst enemy.
Somewhere between hopes and dreams, there is a gaping hole we fall into. Misery.
And how do you fix it?
I have no idea.
Thinking about it makes me tired. Thinking at all makes me tired right now. I just want to go to bed and stay there. I want to pull the covers up and disappear. Don't fret or worry. there is nothing I haven't been able to get through. I just need a little time to be sad right now. But I will put on a brave face and I promise you won't all know that inside I feel like breathing is too difficult a task. I need to be sad.
So naysayers, you were all right. I was wrong. There was nothing left to be saved.
Tarantah
So I'm back in Toronto. It feels weird. I feel displaced. Like I shouldn't be here. Or I should. I have no idea.
I'm watching Springer. I freakin' love this show. LOVE IT. Why? I have no idea. But I find it to be neverending hours of entertainment. At least I am not that pathetic. THANK GODNESS! (although secretly I want to go on Springer and flash the audience. You know it is my ultimate goa).
Good drive today with NK and his grandma. I love N..he is just such a fantastic guy and I love that no matter how long it goes without us seeing eachother, the friendship remains strong.
I got up early this morning and write an entry and because of the weak wireless connection, I lost it. So frustrating.
I have nothing to say right now. I'm distracted by the fact that I have to clean my apartment, go to the grocery store, and the thing with the dude tonight. I'm convinced he won't even call, let alone show up. I'm so negative.
Springer...is...distracting...
More later :)
Strong?
Strength.
I often wonder if I qualify as strong. No wait, that's wrong. I look at myself and think I am pretty strong and often wonder what others think of me. Am I a strong person? Or have I just convinced myself that I am?
I look around and see people who can let themselves collapse and fall apart when things get rough, can ask their parents for money, aren't afraid to lean on other people and I'm completely envious of them. Envious of that ability to let go and breakdown.
I can't do it. I've never been able to. I have my moments of tears, but they rarely last longer than a commercial break. And everything always seems ok in the morning. I am confident in my friendships and family and most of the time in my skills, talents, and abilities.
Don't get me wrong. I'm human and have MANY insecurities (I'm too fat, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not tough enough, I'm not aggressive enough, etc..) but all in all, I think I have turned out pretty well. I am independant, I'm a survivor, I never let them see me sweat. I hardly let them see me cry.
I don't know.
I know that nothing that happens will break me. I know I will get through anything and there are a lot of things that will feel like crap. But I'm quite secure that I will get through them all.
But somedays..I just want to lie in bed and cry. Somedays I wish I could let myself just have that day of self-pity.
But it is the same thing always..I lie in bed....wake up at 9...will myself to fall asleep..and by 10 am, I'm making plans and up and out of the house.
I guess that is a good thing. Never letting anything get to me so much that I can't handle it. Knowing when to lean and when to be leaned on.
Come to think of it....I'm strong and damn proud of it.
:)
Back to Toronto tomorrow..yikes! Plans with the dude and then a dinner with some of the people I like best before leaving for Vancouver and hoping that everything works out.
NER - VOUS! I tells ya.
I know, I have barely written here lately. I'm terrible.
It is one of those thigns where I feel completely in a funk now that I am not working. Like I feel like I have nothing to contribute to this blog because I do nothing all day.
It is pretty darn pathetic.
I'm heading back to Montreal on Tuesday now. Tuesday early morning. Tuesday nigth I have plans with the dude. I'm torn about the plans. The black cloud that often drifts over my happy thoughts has come out full force and is leading me to believe that, most likely, seeing him again will recomplicate a situation that was maybe better off left alone. I feel completely torn about it. Like him and am kind of curious about why he wants to get together. On the other hand, I'm terrified of that inevitable moment where he says to me that nothing has changed and that he just wants to be friends and hoped I didn't get the wrong idea.
PK said that deep down inside I know what is going to happen.
I feel like I'm a fool if I'm hopeful and I'm defeatist if I expect the worst. How do you find that happy place in the middle wherey ou keep the possibilities open without making yourself too easily walked over? I don't know the answer.
To be honest, I don't know any answers right now. I'm completely adrift. I have no job...essentially careerless....relationshipless. I could be a blank slate right now. Go wherever, be whatever...anything. But that is way too scary. That is what being in your early 20's is for. Figuring that all out. I don't know if I'm brave enough tostart from scratch now.
Being in Montreal has been great. Easy not to focus. Easy not to think about it all. Just a chance to relax and enjoy being with the fam.
I went to see 40-Year-Old Virgin last night. It was a good laugh. I like these stupid funny movies. They are a suspension of all reality and you can laugh at someone else's misfortunes. Gotta love that.
Nothing else to report.
My head is a jumble of thoughts depending on time of day and frame of mind. But I always draw a blank when I am in front of this computer. I don't know why. The words aren't flowing right now. Blank slate in more than one way I guess.
It is Thursday. Almost as week of unemployment and I still feel like I'm just on vacation. I'm hating the stress I'm feeling right now. So much anxiety. So much stress.
I've sent some CV's out. Not enough. I need to send more and more and more and lots of interviews. That's all I ask.
So I caved and emailed the dude. I just had to close that door. I expected that the response would be either non-existant or short and sweet. The response was that we should get together. Um, pardon?
So, I responded that I was ok getting together and I haven't heard back from him since.
I don't get it. Could he really want to hang out because he misses me? Or is this his attempt at being "just friends" and is that even possible? I have no idea. I'm totally caught off guard by the response. And it is really hard to apprepriately assess because i honestly do like him a lot.
I'm snafu'd...totally totally messed up.
Oh...and PK...I loved that entry...it was the post, it was the best...everyone...go to:
http://procrasto.diaryland.com and read the entry called "The One For My Friend".
I love him to bits, that PK. I can't wait to see him in a kilt at his wedding ;)
Save me
So, as you guys all know, I was laid off. I won't go into details about that. But I will say it was really hard to take and I spent a lot of time crying. Ultimately, my biggest problem is that I invest so much of myself in my work that it is so hard not to take this all as a personal failure. It is a struggle. And then the second thing I need to figure out is what to do next. I find I define myself by my job. It is a big part of who I am. Career is important to me. So right now, I wonder what that definition is. Who am i exactly and what path am I supposed to go down?
It is scary. I'm 30 and jobless and significant otherless. What does that say about me? And the fact that I'm so much more stressed about not having a job than not hacing a man. What does that say about me?
I guess it says I have MUCH to think about right now. I have a lot I need to figure out, about what I want to do and who I want to be when I grow up.
All I know is that ultimately, I want to continue to be someone I can continue to be proud of. Underneath it all, I am happy with the person I've become and wouldn't sacrifice that for the world.
Unfortunately, when things feel crappy, cynicism and self-doubt creep in and drive you crazy so right now I'm in a constant state of reminding myself that all is good.
But, I'm in Montreal, sitting beside my sister and my brother, hanging out with good family and friends. And that makes it easier to remember how lucky I am.
OMG! A few days without a job and I'm turning into a total sap!!!SAVE ME! IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!
:)
We are watching "Rock & Rule". I loved this movie when it came out way back when and I was so excited when it was released on DVD last month. I LOVE it. Has anyone out there heard of it? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Terminated
So my employment was terminated today.
It was unexpected.
I feel terrible.
I've decided to go home for a litle bit to figure things out and re-evaluate my career. I don't know what that means. I just know I haven't stopped crying for a greater part of the evening and just which I could quit. Quit everything. Fall asleep and not wake up for an extended period of time. At least until I feel more together.
Ok. I'm going to bed.
Fri-freakin-day
WOOHOOOO CFL! I'm so excited for the game tonight. I love seeing sports live. Why? Because there is so much adrenaline in that room. It is exciting. You can't help but get swept up in it. I love it. It is likewatchign a funny movie, always better in a full theater then when alone in your living room. You get caught up in the atmosphere. It is just freakin' exciting.
Other than that, I got nothing to report. Nice walk home yesterday and then some relaxing. I was tired. And now it is Friday. Wooohoo! That means I get to sleep in for two mornings and check my email obsessivley from home instead of from work. Which basically means I get to do it in my pj's.
Other then that. I got nothing. I'm trying not to let any emotion get the better of me, thugh in this weather it is so easy to succumb to misery. But what is the point? So I sit around and cry? Not worth it. Not worth it at all. But, as always, when the night sets in. I'm exceptionally...overcome by how I feel in those deep dark places that no one sees. That feeling of wanting that intimate connection with someone. And not necessarily in a physical way..but in that comfort way. I catch myself staring at couples on the bus and I'm jealous and bitter which I hate because in theory, I'm ok being single. Maybe I Have to explore the fact that I'm ready to have a relationship. Or that I want to have a relationship right now. I don't know. I'm confused about it all these days. And being that I'm the tiniest bit of a commitment-phobe...
It is just all so complicated.
Ok, back to work.
Blah
Another lovely day to wake up to. Such delightful weather! Sunny and warm. I love it. I wish I wasn't stuck in an office all day because I could use some sunlight. What malefactor invented the work day? 9-5 stuck in an office. We should work in the moring...take a 3 or 4 hour break and then work in the late afternoon early evening and that's it. Like a sunshine siesta (did I spell that right?)
I had a whole bunch of things that I wanted to write about today but I totally forgot all of them. In one brain cell, out the other.
A lot of the tings I would really like to write about, I can't. Because this is a public forum and there are something things in my life I need to keep private. I need to edit and censor something and I hate that because I really want to let it all out. But I don't. Because I'm polite and appropriate (sometimes). And I don't want to offend anyone. Or insult anyone.
Today is my brother's birthday...happy birthday Seth! He is turning the big 2-8. So exciting for him. Unfortunately i'm not out there to celebrate with him. Boo.
Ok, I have nothing new to report. I'm wearing a skirt today that tends to twirl around for no good reason and annoy the crap out of me. It doesn't not take me to my happy place. It makes it challenging to walk around the city.
I'm posting this now and hopefully my brai will begin to function in a more interesting way later this afternoon.
Funny and not-so-funny
So yesterday I'm walking down the street and this young girl (teenager i Would gues) is walking down the street. SHe is wearing a shirt that say "Nature Lover". As I'm reading the shirt, I look up, she sticks her hand in her mouth, pulls out a wad of gum and throws it on the ground. I had to stop myself from doing 2 things:
1) Laughing out loud
2) Walking up to her and asking - "are you kidding me? A littering nature lover?"
The funnier part...she threw her gum to the right, the garbage can, was on her left.
Oh my.
S0 I woke up this morning and made my way to work. At Bathurst I decided to get off the streetcar and walk. I am just about to hit the underpass on king, and I'm noticing a lot of people walking there. A lot more people than I ever see. There is usualy one..maybe two people walking in there with me. Then I look up and see flashing lights, and about 8 street cars. And then I look on the sidewalk about 10 feet in front of me and see the mangled bike sitting there. HORROR! Someone was hit...by a car or a streetcar, it is unclear. But how awful. So all the people from the streetcars were getting off and walking. I'm hoping the biker was ok, but I didn't see anyone nor did I see an ambulance. What a way to start the morning. For the biker (ok..and me...it is all about me).
Nothing else to tell..I'm at work.
Entertain me...comments...stories...ANYTHING.
Boring.
Back at work and it feels like I have been gone for a year and never left all at the same time. Does that make any sense?
Nothing interesting to report. Ottawa for the day was fun. I got to hang out with the always charming AD, hang out at Hooters, meet some models....y'know, all in a days work. I did go to a great burger place called the works (although Licks still has my heart) where they have a million and one burger options. Toppings from Nutella to peanut butter to spinach to feta to salsa..there was no end to the plethora of burgers. And yummy yummy sweet potato fries. DELISH!
Then I went home and slipped into a TV coma and totally flaked out.
I live on the edge i tell you. Nothing exciting at all.
something in the nothins
So today I went to the "Taste of the Danforth" for the very first time. It was very exciting. The weather was amazing (a little warm) but the sun was hsining and lots of people were out. It was a great walk. And I ran into a bunch of people I knew. Isn't that the definition of really making a city home? When you can go into events and run into people?
Then MB and I went to see The Devil's Rejects. It was really good. At least in my opinion. Much better than House of 1000 Corpses. Nice and dark and bloody.
Nothing interesting to report. The family is gone and I feel off and I'm immediately pulled back into my pit of confusion and despair. Drama queen that I am. I'm writing this off as being tired and going to avoid writing a long weepy blog about how sad and confused I am. Even though I feel that way, I'm going to hope it is the exhaustion speaking.
Everything happens for a reason. I have to remind myself of that. Despite the fact that I don't believe in fate, happy endings, meant to be, etc...I like the idea that things happen for some kind of greater good. It makes things seem less pointless. It makes heartache seem like it has reason and meaning. Maybe that is just a sad girl searching for some depth in something shallow, fulfillment in something empty, hope in something completely hopeless, something where there is really nothing....all that jazz.
I'm off to bed. Yay for tomorrow's trip to Ottawa.
The morning after i was run over by a truck
wow. I feel like I have been full on hit by a train.
I have over-emotional writer's remorse as one often does when overcome by emotion at 2 in the morning and posts it for the world to see.
I need to have a time lock on this blog so that I can't post after a certain time.
It is 9:55 and I am heading to brunch with the awesome Mitch who I adore but 5 hours sleep is KILLING me. I'm coming home tonight and crashing like I've never crashed before.
And, of course, as it always goes...I feel totally fine this morning and completely sane once again.
*yawn*
So, I discovered the BEST DVD's yesterday..the freakin best..it is the collection of After School Specials on DVD. I bought '84-'86. How awesome is that??? I loved those After School Specials back in the day. Of course, I bought the one DVD for $20 then looked online and realized you can get the whole set for $60. So the question is...do I now buy the whole set and just have that one double...or keep buying them one at a time? I have no idea. I'll probably go with the whole set. Boo. I have to admit I'm in love with my Amazon and Chapters wishlists (they are the same). If you don't have a wishlist go and start one immediately. Or go check mine out...just go to www.chapters.ca or www.amazon.ca and look up my wishlist...check out how awesome the selection is and then start one of your own immediately. And if you really love me, some kind soul will choose EVERYTHING on there and have it all sent to me (I'm kidding...kind of).
Ok...time to shower and face this beautiful sunny day. Yay. No more lollygagging around (I can't believe I managed to get that into the blog). Here is a new challenge for anyone who reads this and is up for the challenge. Throw me a word..any word..and I will somehow fit it into the blog. I love games. LOVE 'EM!
Woohoo..Michael Jackson from the 80's...love it! I'm dancin' in my bed.
Thanks for the comment Christy...you are the best :)
Just to clarify
4:04 am.
Still awake.
I'm clearly over tired. Is that one word or two?
I want anyone/everyone reading this to know one thing - I don't ever want anyone to read my sadder entries and feel sorry for me. Know that I am strong enough to get through anything thrown me way. I don't ever want to hear "poor Tali". I write here because getting the words out makes me feel better. I am not miserable in my day to day life and to see me, you wouldn't even know what goes on.
This blog is the window to my soul I guess. My internet eyes. Meant for you to see but not pity. Not that I don't love the words of encouragement, but I just want to clarify. I'm a survivor. That is what I do. Part of getting through it is throwing everything I feel down in words. I just choose to share them with you instead of keeping a private journal.
That said, I now am off to continue tossing and turning. ARGH! I hate nights like this.
Nothing but frustration.
It is 1:57 am and I'm not sleeping. I can't sleep.
I always start off with best intentions. I stay up a little late and I curl up in bed and throw on a DVD and I know that I should sleep before I get to a point where all emotions get the better of me. But I was never good at following the right path. I reach a point of no return. Something small triggers a reaction. A reaction so small and seemingly insignificant, but that I know will cause a chain reaction and bring up the sadness and emptiness I spend so much time and effort keeping hidden deep down inside. And before I realize it, I feel the tears brimming and i don't know why. I don't know why they are there and I don't know why I suddenly feel this immense sadness.
There are two kinds of crying. The tears that spill and never reach the emotional climax you need them to reach to be satisfying. Where you have a moment of sadness and then you fall asleep or get distracted so you let it go. Then there are the moments where you allow yourself to let go and give in to whatever it is that is eating away at you and let it all out. And you feel it reach that point where you know you can safely cry and fall asleep knowing you have gotten it out of your system.
I never manage to get to those second kind of tears. That would involve letting go. Giving up some kind of control I fight so hard to have all the time. More likely than not, that inability to let go leaves me with a weight constantly. A weight I can't shake because I can't open myself enough to lost control. Between you and me, the truth is more that I worry if I let go as completely as I need to, I'll never get control back. I'll lose myself into a dark place that scares me. And I don't want to be in that place. I don't think I would have the strength to get myself out.
I know this stems from being tired. I know because the tears start always at the same time the consistent yawning does. I know emotions are heighteneed by emotions. I think that is why I never fully let go. It is easier to go to sleep and wake up to the sun shining through my window and making me feel happy.
It is always over as quickly as it began. The tears stop and I lose the moment. I'm both happy and sad to see it go. There are so few moments of pure emotion and those moments are the purest for me. When you are happy, we can't help but look forward to when we aren't happy and worry about when something will make us unhappy or when we will lose the thing that brings us joy. But when we are sad...nothing can fix that. We can dive right in and feel it. There is no easy fix. It is intense and pure and real. And that is why I secretly revel in it. It makes me alive, this intense emotion. It is the only one I really believe in. That I never feel fooled by.
All alone
Well, the family is gone and it was a great visit and I missed them as soon as they walked out the door. Having them here has made me think about a few things, the main one being the definition of "home".
I often think that I am homesick. But having the fam visiting me here this weekend made me feel less homesick. We hung out, we had fun, we fought...just like families do. So, I'm starting to think that home isn't a place but a group of people. I can't be homesick for Montreal...the house my family lives in is not the house I grew up in. Many of my friends ad relatively new friends. And, with the exception of my family, I have just as many good friends here in Toronto. Now, logical would lead me to think then that home is your family. Wherever they are, is home. Even if it is temporary. At least I know that is the case for me. Homesick just means missing my family. Missing the people I can be around and never have to speak. Missing that feeling of being completely comfortable in your own skin and not having to worry about social graces. Just being around the people who love you no matter what. Crazy how that works.
The lesson is...if I can convince my family to move here, I'm all over the homesick.
Of course, I could go into what defines family, but that is WAY too deep for a Saturday night.
I am alone in the apartment now and it is quiet and weird...but I get to sleep in my bed again. So I can't complain about that. And as of Tuesday, back to normal. It will be weird to go back to work. I feel like I could use another year of vacation.
I still secretly want to quit my job and run away to some foreign country and volunteer somewhere. Feel like I am contributing something to the world. That constant pull..serve the greater good...or serve myself. Do I give up a career I have been working for to do something respectable? Am I getting enough out of my career to feel good about sticking to it? I don't know anymore.
*yawn* I'm all over the place today.I'm tired and distracted. I'm going to curl up on the couch and watch TV.
Here's a picture of me and my mom (she's the god looking one) on her way out today...boooo
Don't Leave Me
So today is the last day I have with the family and it makes me exceptionally sad. It took me a couple of days to adjust to having them all here in my apartment but now that the end of the visit has come I'm completely depressed. They were an amazing distraction from all the things that have been bothering me and now that they are going, I feel like my happy little world will collapse again. I know logically that it is just mind over matter and that I will be fine. It was just so nice to not have to think about anything. To just hang out and be taken care of and not worry about a thing. It makes me sad to be on my oen again tomorrow. Of course, I won't jump the gun and I will attempt to enjoy every minute today and then back to normal tomorrow. Thank goodness I have great friends here to distract me until I feel sane again.
On an extra happy note, two of my very favorite people got engaged. So PK and JM - I wanted to take this chance to say congrats!!! You know who you two are....you guys are both awesome and I'm SO happy for you. YAY! And don't forget - I'm the flower girl. I'm already practicing my petal throwing!
(I know I can write who it is without causing any trouble because PK does not link to me in his blog. Thanks a lot PK..clearly I am not good enough to be a member of your elite blogging club. Thbbbbt! I'm going to cry now.)
Pictures from Niagara
Thought you may enjoy checking out some of the wild and crazy pictures from Niagara Falls...woohoo!
My brother and sister told me to make a funny face for the camera. I decided not to. I thought my face was funny enough (ok, I may have crossed my eyes).
Checking out the falls from below - the Journey Beneath the Falls
The falls - rainbow and all. Aren't they lovely?
Nothing interesting....
Nothing interesting to report. I went to the McMichael today (a museum that features a lot of the Group of Seven works). It was a pretty interesting place. A house converted into a gallery. I do really enjoy the works of the Group of Seven. Of course, not every pieve...but the colors are pretty bold in some of them. I really like 'em. I'm definitely drawn to blues. Deep blues. I feel like I can get lost in them...jump in and swim in them.
Wow..I do get weirder every day.
The family visit has been so nice. I'm really enjoying spending time with them. THEY MUST NEVER LEAVE ME.
Ok, I'm not quite that insane. Close, but not quite.
I can't stop logging into Lavalife. I'm addicted. I have no desire to actually meet anyone, but I can't stop checking out who is there. I don't know why I'm so curious. One would think I need some kind of weird online affirmation from the men there. I don't...but I do..all at the same time. Does that make any sense? The attention makes me feel good. I don't need it. But I like it. I can stop anytime, I swear (my name is Tali and I am an attention-a-holic).
We are watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure right now. The kids have never seen it (my sister and brother). Oh Keanu..when you were young and cute and playing the character which I believe is most like the "real" Keanu.
I;m tired and boring today. So I'm ending this blog entry for now. I'll be back....
;)
TBNT My A**
So I'm playing on lavalife today..not because I'm looking but just because I find it entertaining. I warn all the men that I'm not into dating anyone right now. That I'm just killing time. So this guy starts messaging me and is all here is my picture..show me yours. So I do. And he writes back "tbnt, ciao". Me, being an idiot, replies with.."what does tbnt". The answer - which I get from someone else - is "thanks but no thanks". ARGH! Now, here is my response to that: a) I mean..it is the intimate encounters section (I said I was curious..I need to check all the sections out then)so if you don't like the picture..just don't respond. I mean..COME ON. b) Who, other then me, asks someone to spell out their rejection. And what kind of idiot writes a rejection like that forcing someone to ask what it means?
Boo for my ego. That is all I have to say. So now my ego is hurt by a loser nerdy mcgeek from Lavalife. I can't take it anymore. I'm really really through with men.Forever.
And ever.
I was listening to a Sarac McL. song today and the words struck me (I know I know, I'm a cheezball): So afraid to love you, more afraid to lose. Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
I though those were interesting words and had a moment of self-admiration when I realized I live in a world surrounded by people who choose to lose rather then let go and fall. Depite how shite it sometimes feels (see: every blog entry since I moved to Toronto - just kidding) I'm much happier being the one who is more afraid to lose..and who's personality and nature, not necessarily whose past, allows me to take a risk over and over again. I'm an emotional daredevil. Which is funny..because ask me to risk getting physically hurt and I will ALWAYS avoid it and err towards OCD about my safety...but with my emotions..I'm all about the risk taking baby. I'm a REBEL. Of course, not that that matters because I have given up men forever.
Having a great time with the family. They have been an amazing distraction. I'll miss them terribly when they go.Boo-urns.
