Tali in Toronto: November 2005

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Cali!

I'm here ladies and gents. I have arrived.
I'm in California.
Sitting at Tammy's and being EXTREMELY lazy.

LAZY!

I have to go ope na bank account so I really need to get off my ass and hope they will give me one. PRAY!

Other than that..I have nothing to say right now except that I am safe and sound.

talk soon!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

You're It!

Ok, so I've been tagged. TAGGED! AACCCK!
the lovely AB did this on his bog so now I am doing it on mine (and tagging my blogger friends as well, so read for your name at the end of this post tosee if you are it). Basically what you d is use Goggle to discover your needs. Go to"Google" type in "(your name) needs" and see what comes up.

Here are mine:
Tali needs support from as many people as possible
Tali needs more reps int he offense
Tali needs a website ot sell her bad ass necklaces (I have bad-ass necklaces?)
Tali needs lessons
Tali needs it now
Tali needs to organise that now.
Tali needs to decide if she is will to saccrifice her honour.
Tali needs more characters
Tali needs to help
Tali needs our prayers (who is our?)
Tali needs to send me an intro
Tali needs to smack kiddies for spam
Tali needs a heart
Tali needs a layer of management software
Tali needs more posting buddies
Tali need to have an apisode challenge (I have no idea what that means)
Tali needs to do everthing
Tali needs you
Tali needs some time to grow up a little
Tali needs a little more house training, but loves children and most cats.
Tali needs to be deaf
Tali needs someplace to write remarks
Tali needs direct teacher assistance with all aspects of learning
Tali needs to look out for stalkers like me
Tali needs cheering up
Tali needs to be seen
Tali needs a lot of practice
Tali needs to come after a DJ as she and the girls need space on stage
Tali needs a new layout

The end.
I have LOTS of needs.

Ok...so now to all of you!
Ms.M, OOTG, Hickteeth, Ro, HG, Rye, Elana, Raheem, PK, Christy, Lana, Mom - time for you to get to it. Consider yourselves tagged!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Misery

I am having a horrible day. I was supposed to be out and having fun but being that the movers are coming tomorrow morning, I feel like I can't be out and doing anything. I'm so stressed. I am feeling more alone than I want to. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm angry.
I'm everything. This is just SO stressful.

I really thought I was coming back to Toronto to see everyone, but think I've seen about 4 people and spent the rest of the time trying to pack and feeling TOTALLY stressed.

I never want to go through this again. I'm tired of being worried. I'm not sleeping. I feel ill.

I'm hating this.

I can't stop crying.

Can someone please remind me why I'm doing this?

Monday, November 21, 2005

Emails

It's been an interesting few days. Ro and I started speaking again and today he asked me about JZ. Basically asking if I had...how can I put this politely.."spent the night" with him. He said that he would sooner know the truth then have me keep things from him because i worry they wil upset him. Difficult position for me. My answer will upset him, but I put honesty over anything else. And when he asked me point blank if I had, I couldn't say no. I couldn't lie like that.
So I said yes.
My phone rang. He went into a rant. Basically telling me how I like to "fuck" (sorry mom) and saying he would never had done that to me (note, at the time I met Jack, Ro and I were not speaking and things were - as far as he concerned over. I was sure he and I would speak again at some point but i had no idea when). He basically told me I would have bad karma and that one day I would fall in love that someone will do that to me. rant rant rant rant rant. Basically - I'll paraphrase - I'm a horrible person who did something terrible to him and I deserve what I get.

Hurtful? Yes.

But so be it. How can I convince someone I'm not an asshole who has spent SO much time trying to belive I am? I can't.
So I went out.
And came back to the following email from his roomate:
"You are nothing but a cheap slut. You had a good man and you hurt him. I hope you rot in hell. M."
How upsetting. Two sides to every story, but mine is clearly irrelevant.
And just when I stsrted to calm down from that email. I received this one:
"I would also add he believed in you. None of us did. He fought with us. We told him you would do this. You make me ashamed to be a woman. I will be beside him. I will show him love trust honour. M"

How do you react to these emails? This Maria knows NOTHING about me. Not a thing. She doesn't know how hurt I was when Ro bailed on everythign and walked away. She doesn't know anything about what has happened or how I felt or how Ro acted with me. Nothing. She just judged.
I didn't respond to the emails. I didn't send them to Ro. Nothing. I didn't do a thing.
So this is my one act.
I'm venting. I needed to get it out of my system.
The end.

Why would anyone do that? Why do people feel the need to treat eachother like that?

*sigh*
I'm done this time.
Really. I am.

Friday, November 18, 2005

New job

Recently I found out a good friend of mine has had a career change. I'm exceptionally proud of her. So I would like to say here, HG, congratualtions on becoming Captain Jack Sparrow. I knew you could do it.

Being that she was so bold and brave, I decided to evaluate my career, like her, and make a career change. I would like to let you all know that I am now James Bond.

OH YES! According to the Action Hero Quiz v.2.0, I am:
MI6's best agent, a suave, sophisticated super spy with charm, cunning, and a license's to kill. She doesn't care about rules or regulations and somewhat amoral. She does care about saving humanity though, as well as the beautiful men who fill his world. Bond has expensive tastes, a wide knowledge of many subjects, and his usually armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner.
(please note that I have taken some crreative license here to feminize the description)

So, congratuate me one and all.
Woohoo!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Nothing interesting

Ok..so I'm completely out of touch these days.
I'm in my own space these days...worrying about this move...
worrying about Ro...who now knows he must NEVER scare me like that again..
worrying about seeing everyone I need to see before i leave.
EEEK!

I'll never get everything done. I admit it.
I need to go home and pack for days. Straight.
That's it.

Ok...so.. I can't decide if I should start a whole NEW blog...or just change the name of this one (but leave the link the same).
What does everyone think?
Opinions? Suggestions?
HELP!

I went to see SF and family today. The baby is SO cute. Always a big smile for me. I just love that kid.

*yawn*

Ok..I wanted you all to know I'm still alive. More to follow...I promise.
Why is Mariah Carey so skanky? What happened to her?

Monday, November 14, 2005

For you

If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

CONFUSED

So it turns out Ro was in an accident.
I can't remember the last time I've felt so shaken.
I got a text from HG letting me know and everything went blurry.
I was panicked.
I just needed to know that he was ok.
Fortunately his roomie was answering his text messages and was able to let me know that although he had a rough night, he is ok now.
Thank god.
That is all I have to say.
I hated how that felt and I don't ever want to go through that again.
Never.
I don't know what it means. And i don't know what will happen. I just know I hated that feeling.
I wish i knew what it all meant.
I really with this was easier.
I'm just freakin' confused now.
I don't know the right answers.
I know nothing except that I always want him to be ok.
The creepiest part for me is the dream. I dreamt something happened to him. I dreamt HG called me a told me about it.
Creepy.
Is it possibly to be connected to someone like that? To know something is wrong?
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

Will you please?

Ok, so I'm sitting in NJ with minutes to spare, but I had to write an entry.
I had a terrible dream last night.
In the dream, Ro killed himself by jumping out of the plane. In the dream I didn't know until I read it on his blog and then a mutual friend of ours (yes you HG) called me and was like...he should be "passing right now".
OMG!
It was HORRIBLE.
and morbid.
Why did I dream that?
It was AWFUl.
Ugh. I'm feeling terrible right now. I'm dying to email him and just reach out. I just want to see his name on my email page and know he is ok.
I miss him and it sucks and I can't even talk about it because I'm too tired to hear everyone lecture me on how unhealthy my involvement with him was.
There is so much I want to say. This whol verbal throwing p about how I'm feeling about everything.
I miss talking to him. More than I thought i would.
On the flipside, I'm so so angry at him for NOT fighting a little harder to keep me around. For doing whatever it took not to lose whatever this was. It makes me SO angry that when I couldn't fight, instead of taking up the slackfor me he just disappeared.
It bothers me that he did EXACTLY what everyone said he would.
I hate that. Because I told everyone they were wrong about him. I told them all I knew him better, and then here I am. And they were right. And it makes me so angry and feel so stupid.
But on the flipside, I have never met someone who made me feel so irresistable and attractive. Flawless even.
I've never felt like that.
I've never felt so wanted.
*sigh*
I have no answers anymore.
I'm writing this blog to see if it helps me deal with the inner turmoil I'm feeling.
MY GOD I WANT TO EMAIL HIM.
This sucks.
It freakin' sucks.
There's more. Obviously there's more.
But I'm sitting as the whole family packs up the car and I know I can't type all the things I want to say.
I just miss him. That's it.
It's hard.
No matter what it was or how anyone saw it or how crazy people think I am.
This is just a hard ending that somedays I wish I could fix.
I wish I could change. Or make it better.
ARGH!
FRUSTRATED.

I feeled weighed down by everything. it isn't just him. It is the move. it is the intensity of Jay-Z. It is feeling COMPLETELY unsettled everywhere I am right now. It is really getting to me. I just feel off.
And i recognize I will be feeling this for sometime.
It will be ages before I feel at home again.
It is terrifying.

Will someone please tell me that everything will be alright?
Will someone please tell him that I worry about him and think of him?
Will someone please pack everything and ship it all for me?
Please please please.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Ramble ramble

So I've gone and done it.
Yep.
I have.
Ive booked a mover. EEEEEEEEK!

I'm flipping out just a little.

I'm gonna be living in FREAKIN CALIFORNIA!

So I cant decided if I should change the address of this blog or just the name of it. Suggestions? What do you guys think?

Anyone?

I'm in Montreal now. Nothing much to report. I'm hanging out with the fam and off to NYC today. I'm hoping to see DW. It will be cool to hang out with him. Question is, will we be able to keep our hands off eachother? ;)

Who knows.

I'm trying to only think happy thoughts today, so no talking about the little things that I'm finding difficult. I still miss him alot. I guess that is to be expected. He is luckier than me, he can walk away and convince himself he doesn't care in a much shorter amount of time than I can. I'm going to hurt over this for awhile.
It is hard, I sometimes feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I see how it sounds to outsider. How can someone I have never met impact my life this much.
I don't know. I just know that he did.

It's hard ladies and gents. No matter how silly that may sound.

One thing he said always sticks out in my mind. He always said the right guy for me will always fight to keep me in his life. I guess it was his way of telling me he just wasn't the right one. The right guy never would have given me up. Or asked me to give him up.

Ok..no more Ro talk.

Why can I not stop watching Dawson's Creek? WHY?
I have an addiciton. It is really sad.

Someone I know knows Jay-Z. Weird huh?

Ok..must go help Ryan pack. What is with men and packing?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

In Montreal

So here I am, in Montreal. I guess I have to say my goodbye's here....SO HARD!
I had a little going away party last night (a mini-one) and when some of the people said goodbye I got all teary eyed. It is going to be SO much harder when I actually have tosay goodbye (November 26 is the big party).

I'm going to cry like a baby.
We all know it.
WAAAH!

Lots have been going on. Nothing I want to talk about in detail. Ro has said goodbye. It was extremely difficult and I would be lying if I didn't say I was hurting. I am. I miss him. I am tring to convince myself it is for the best. I have to believe that or I will lose my mind. If I let myself doubt that, I'll just be miserable.
Sliver lining, everything happens for a reason...all that.
I keep repeating that in my head to make myself feel better.

It isn't working.

*sigh*

A month of goodbye's for me.

Monday, November 07, 2005

It's official....

My furniture posting is up on Craigslist.

Take a look:
http://toronto.craigslist.org/fur/109409864.html

Quick recap

Ok..so today I really commit. I need to start getting stuff done ESPECIALLY with me going to Montreal for a week or so. YIKES!
I talked to TS today and she and I really figured out what I need to do once I move. In her eyes it is easier than I think. She says I can fly out like the day before and start making all the arrangements once I get there. I need to setup a bank account. That is priority number one. I'm going to keep my cell number for a bit once i get there just to see if work will be getting me a cell or if i need to arrange for my own.
I need to forward my mail. I need to sell all my stuff. I need to pack. I need to hirt a mover. AACCCKKK!
AB...get ready. You are hired...as my assistant.
Eeeeek!
Stress stress stress stress.
I'm watdching Roseanne (AB gave me season 1). Why do I found this show funny? Y'know what I actually do like about this show, the way they interact as a couple. They fight, they talk, they settle. I know it is a TV show and not "real" but I just think it is nice. they don't fluff it up and make everyone happy all the time. A couple that never argues. They are trashy and human and obnoxious. I like it. I also like seeing George Clooney. I think he is WAY hotter now.
I definitely have a thing for older men. HOT.

Great weekend. The lovely AB invited me over and made me a DELISH brunch (see picture below)

I hung out with the always delightful JZ. And then yesterday I was off to a baby naming with many a friend who I haven't seen in ages. It was great. Lots of babies. And no, my clock is not ticking, but I love the babies. Sooooo cute!

And then ES and I went through a lovely walk...part of which through Mount Pleasant cemetar. It was really pretty with the leaves changing color and such.

See...that was me posing under a tree. Pretty.

And that was it. Then I came home and chatted on MSN and went to sleep. So exciting. I live on the edge.

And now, I'm off to start taking furniture pictures. It needs to be done. Farewell my lovelies, until tomorrow!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Fear

Went to see Chicken Little with AB tonight. It was good. IO love the animated movies. Especially when there are kids there. There is something charming and fun about hearing kids giggle through the silly parts. Makes it that much more fun.
The off to see JP's brother play in his band.
All in all, it was a pretty cool night.

But being that I'm a mobid human being, my thoughts drifted as I sad on the subway. I was walked to the door of the station and then descended into the subway station. As soon as i was out of sight, I was comepletely alone. From that point on, I would not be recognized as missing for another 10 hours.
It's a weird thought. I know I shouldn't think it. But I do.
I'm a single woman. I live alone in a big city.
I'm constantly at risk.
I don't feel afraid on the subway necessarily. But the second I get off I'm immediately aware of my surroundings. I'm immediately aware of the fact that I am about to embark on a walk alone - albeit only for secondds - but alone nonetheless. I carry my keys in a defensive manner. I walk tall, with confidence and direction. I keep my phone in my hand in case I need it.
But I am also acutely aware of the fact that by the time anyone noticed something had happened, I would likely been done.
It is a weird thought. One I try to avoid.
I've chosen not to let fear rule my life.
I thought about it today because when I left the subway there was a group of rowdy guy geting out of a cab. Immediately I cringed, anticipating some kind of trouble. There was none, fortunately. But I couldn't stop thinking how easy it would be for them.
*shudder*

I don't know why I think this way. Because I'm nuts.

One a completely seperate and much more comfortaing note, Ro put something in the package he sent me that smells like him. It was a surreal feeling to walk into my apartment and have it smell like Ro. It was nice. I liked coming home to that.

I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. So I am going to post this a crawl to bed.

Sleep well.

Self-abuse

I've spent my whole life trying to be a good person. Trying to treat people the way I want to be treated.
Some days I think I fail miserably.
I wonder if I hurt more than I make them feel good.
It just feels never enough.
It feels like I can never do enough.
I feel like I disappoint the people I care about most. Either by my decisions or my actions.
Sometimes I think the most generous thing I can do is take myself out of their lives.
But then I would miss them. And I want them in my life.
That is a selfless act. Too selfless.
So I'm selfish.
Great. What else? Needy? Annoying? Irritating? Boring? Inconsiderate?
I'm on that rapid spiral downwards with no breaks.

My mom once said that one of my problems is that instead of getting mad, I get sad. And when I get sad, I turn on myself. I become my own worst enemy.
True.

I'm viciously cruel to myself.
It is a horrible habit.

I've also always seen myself as a good communicator.
Thought it was a given with my job and such.
I'm learning that maybe that isn't the case.
Maybe I'm not as good as I thought at conveying the personal stuff.

My fear is to let people our there who I care about roam the earth without knowing how much I care.

I want to make the people in my life feel special because they are special to me.

I want to make those I love feel loved.

I want to always be better.

I'm tired. I'm ready for bed and I haven't even gone out yet.
I'm putting on the happy smiley I love the world face.
And goin' out there to make the best of my numbered nights here in Toronto.

Tomorrow I will write a blog about the good things. I just don't like me very much right now.

(Thank you Ro for the packages today. They were amazing and made my day. You are wonderful).

Don't bother.

I have this knack for saying the wrong thing.
In fact today I was told I'm like an itch. Irritating.
That's great.
Fuckin' great.

Why exactly do I bother?

I have no idea.

Right now. NO IDEA.

I'm eiter just annoying as a whole or say all the wrong things.
How did that happen?
How did I become that person?

*sigh* I'm going to crawl back under my rock right now.

Inner Ravings of a Moving Lunatic

Ok...I'm FREAKING OUT.
It has finally hit my like a tonne of bricks.
I'm moving (providing I actually get the call) .
OH MY GOD I'm MOVING!
what am i doing?
Is this a huge mistake?
Am I crazy?
I'm making huge changes!
oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.
I can't do this.
I have to do this.
I have to start all over from scratch.
This will be so hard.
I can't pack. I hate packing.
How do I do this?
I need help.
EEEEEK.
I'm completely losing it.
I don't know where to start.
I don't know what to do.
Where do I get boxes?
When do I hire the mover?
What if I hate the job?
What if I hate San Francisco?
I'm going to throw up.
What if I don't get everything done in time?

I'm seriously FREAKING OUT
TOTALLY.

I'm gonna cry.

If I Fall (Aqualung)

Swept away
by the wonder of it all
so amazed
never saw it coming
left me dazed
and i don't know where to turn

here and now
seems i'm standing
on the edge
looking down
i can clearly see your face
in the crowd
makes me feel i'm not alone

if i fall
will you catch me

seems to me
i'm exactly where i dreamt
i would be
and the view from here is
something to see
but i need a hand to hold on to

if i fall
will you catch me

Off

Do you ever have those morning when you wake up and things don't feel good? Something feels funny?
I'm having that morning.
I woke up feeling completely unsettled.
I don't know what it is exactly. I can't put my finger on it.
Something just feels off.
I'm not feeling physically ill.
Just...off.

9 times out of 10, my noon I'm fine.
but today. Ugh....big rock in the pit of my stomach. Like a big lead ball.

I hate this feeling.
I just want to call everyone I know and make sure everything is ok.

Save me. Anyone.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Thoughts, random thoughts

Roolllleeerrrrr coooaaasssttterrrr
That is what life is sometimes.
This bizarre series of ups and downs with the occasional sick feeling in your stomach.
wheeeeee barf wheeeeee barf wheeeeeee barf

No word from SF. No follow up. I'm kinda freaking out. Now I've given notice and am getting ready to make the move. Imagine they take back the offer? THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE. This would be the barf part of the cycle.

I hate not knowing. I just want to know one way or the other. Do I start saying good-bye or do I start settling in?

ANSWERS DAMMIT ANSWERS

I've gotten bad with this blog. There is a lot I don't say because I'm trying to protect people. I'm so careful with my words that I spend more time thinking about what to write and how to write it than I would like to. Who is reading this. What are they thinking? It is hard.

ARGH! /hg wrote a blog the other day about getting mad and not expressing yourself, instead finding yourself almost placating the situation and walking away. I do that too. And I hate it. I make myself crazy for it. What I really want to say is fuck you. What instead I say is, ok. It was interesting when I read that she feels she does that as well. Made me wonder if it is a gender role thing. Women look to make things better. Nurture a relationship. Fix things and make everyone feel good.

My head is spinning with thoughts. Thoughts of Ro, of San Fran, of moving, of my family. I feel like I can't just sit and be quiet.

I'm a control freak. Have a ever mentioned that? I have trouble sitting back and leaving things up to fate. I want to drive everything. I'm constantly afraid that if I let go and don't work really hard for everything, then I will lose the things that are most important to me. I control my anger and my fear and my insecurity and try to constantly maintain a certain exterior.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. I want to have deep and interesting things to say on my blog but these days I'm so distracted that I just can't think of things to write.

BORING.

I've become boring.

I'm going to crawl into bed and read. Yay!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

News

So here is the news ladies and gentleman.
I've been offered a position in San Francisco and I've accepted.

I know. It's CRAZY!

Looks like the move will take place in about a month.
I'm feeling a whole series of emotions - excitement, fear, curiosity, sadness...everything under the sun. I've gone through it all the past couple of days. Making this decision has been no easy task. In fact, it is immensely difficult.
Someone close to me is always reminding me that there are always consequences. I run through the consequences of this move -or what they may be all the time. I realize the sacrifices I'm making. The things I'm giving up. And I realize all the opportunities this will bring my way. All the exciting adventures and challenges I have to face.
Even as I write this my head continues to spin out of control (in that there are a million thoughts going on in there. Not in the pea-soup spitting kind of way).

So there will be many an entry talking about this move. But I wanted to let you all know before i start ranting and raving about how COMPLETELY freaked I am.

EEEEK!

I'm sleepy. So stay tuned for more news. More Ranting. More Raving.

Tali in Toronto