Cold cold Toronto
Well hello.
I'm back after a whirlwind tour of several airports. Who doesn't love that?
Just got back from spending time with the fam in New York state. My cousin Sean is on leave from Iraq so we all went out to spend time and it was so nice. I have to say going out there....I definitely felt like my presence was so appreciated and welcome. It was a great feeling, especially when more often than not lately I have felt like an unwelcome stranger in a new city I am supposed to calll home.
But then leaving and coming back was, as always, depressing.
Not that I'm unhappy. Just disillusioned.
There is a guy....who shall remain nameless....but we had a fling....and i use the term lightly..about 2 years ago. And now he is coming up to my neck of the woods and, despite that we have been friends since and talked eachother through good and bad times....is weird about hanging out with me. Can't commit..doesn't seem interested in it. Why are people so weird? We had a thing. So what? It is done. ANd now, it is just impossible to be friends. Granted, he is that guy who has a hard time being friends with girls he hasn't slept with. But ARGH! So disappointing.
And my own reaction to it is the worst..because i immediately turn on yself and say it is my fault. When it isn't. There is nothign wrong with bein excited to see an old friend and trying to make plans. Why do guys have to make you feel like you are asking too much? No, they can't make you feel anything (you were all screaming that.. icould feel it) - why do they have to ask as if yo uare asking the world? I know if I clled my friend Jen and told her I was coming into Montreal and wanted to spend time with her..she wouldn't freak out. She would be delighted to work something out. Maybe the lesson is men and women can't be friends?
I don't know. Is it possible I have spent my life proving that fact right? How horrible!
I'm just finding men so disappointing right now. It is so frustrating because I actually enjoy being single. It would just be nice to have a little attention that way....just a little harmless flirtation. IMPOSSIBLE.
I'm going to go feel sorry for myself and eat junkfood and hate the world right now.
Summary - great weekend. Men suck
The end.
HAPPY HAPPY FRIDAY!
Good morning Friday lovers!
YAY for the weekend.
My weekend will be action packed. I'm heading out to the state of New York to see my cousin Sean who is on leave from Iraq. YAY!
It will be nice to see the whole family.
I got up bright an early this morning. Got my last workout in before I go away for the weekend. I feel so accomplished. Now I am here for half a day and then off to hang out in the airport for way more time than anyone in the world would ever want to.
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and I want all the juicy stories when I get back.
The past stays in the past.
I feel melancholy. Nostalgic. But I'm not sure for what. A different time. A differnet place. A different outcome in life.
I've spoken to an old friend recently. Something about talking to him though, makes me feel very sad inside. Granted, he and I have an incredibly rockey history. Went from friends to dating and it was difficult. And the sadness is by no means due to the bad relationship or the outcome. It is strictly for the friendship that was before anything happened.
Talking to him and seeing how different the conversation is...seeing how different he is as a person...it is so indicative of how much people change.
Years later..I still mourn the loss of friendship. Or maybe just the simple fact that you can never go back to where you were. You can never make it like it was. With this guy, it will never be anything close. We'll drift in and out of friendly conversation but it will always be empty.
It's both sad and hopeful at the same time. The best part being looking into myself and just knowing I've moved past the hurt part.
I just hope I can look at my life at some point and see how much I've changed and be proud of how far I've gone.
Bad titles
Ha ha ha ...I just noticted the title of my last most..mouch more committed??? I could change it..but I think it will leave it and integrate it into the english language.
So last night i went out for some AWESOME sushi (Sushi on Bloor...love it..no matter what you Vancouverite's say!) and then I went to see SPongebob Squarepants which I thought was grrrrreat. I really enjoyed it. A couple of good laughs indeed. Of course, this is all assuming you can apprciate the humor that goes with Spongebob, so I suggest watching a coupe of episodes of the show before heading out and picking up a ticket. It was funny though.
Then I went home and I had one of those moments. Y'know, when you are so tired you have to struggle to not let emotion and life get the better of you. Where all of a sudden you look around and start wondering if everything you've done or said is a mistake. Reflect on old relationships....
everything that can drive you to a big old cry.
I didn't let it happen though. I decided there was no reason for it other than I was really tired. I wouldn't let it get the better of me. And I didn't. So yay for me. I'm holding on tight.
It is cold today. So cold I had to crack out the winter coat. Brrrrr!
I'm sure there is a lot to say but I can't think of anything right now. I just ifnished reading Siddartha. Interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it. Anyone out there read it and want to pass on an opinion?
Hello everybody.
See, I'm mouch more committed now to writing in this every day. I wanna keep everyone in the loop as much as possible (because I'm horrible at keeping in touch). Last night I went out with the people at work. We had a dinner out and it was awesome. I work with a great team.I genuinely like them all.
THen I came home and went to bed early.
This morning I got up nice and early and worked out (in my apartment - the usual step 45 minute routine) and I am so tired now but so proud of myself for actually getting up and doing it. I'm going to try to make this a regular thing.
I hate it..but know it is good for me. I would so much rather sleep. But I need the excercise and the energy. So...go me!
Should I start placing bets now on how long this will last? Lol. (I'm laughing outloud at myself)
Tonight I am going to Sushi on Bloor (YUM!) and then to see the Sponge Bob Movie..I'm very excited. Great company....great food..and then a great movie (I hope).
What is everyone else up to? TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING!
A moment of being a softy
This week I have gotten in touch with two old friends who I haven't spoken to in a long time. One was a friend who I dated (never a smart thing) and the other just someone who I lost touch with. In both instances I am happy to be in touch with these people.
It is nice to realize that bygones are really just that..gone. It is nice to see there is no anger and there are no grudges and you can just be two people talking and catching up. It's a good feeling to look inside yourself and see nothing angry anymore.
The ability to forgive and be forgiven can be an amazing thing that I wouldn't give up for the world.
The other thing I've learned..being angry is a lot of work. It isn't worth it to carry it around.
Ok, I'm done with the sappy and deep. I'm going back to making forms in word. Woohoo!
Speelling
Ok, I admit it. I can't spell. I'm a horrible horrible speller and I am completely dependant on my spell check.
That or I am just lazy.
One of the two.
Tuesday
OK, I'm sucking at keeping this blog up.
Maybe it is just because I'm THAT boring?
I had a great weekend. Dinner with Amy and Linda and Sarah at a place called Hernando's Hideaway - it was mahvelous baby! I'm SO funny.Then Saturday was a shopping EXTRAVAGANZA! I am happy to say I'm finished my Xmas shopping though. I can't complain about that. Then Sunday I had brunch with Cameron and then went to watch the parade (the Santa Claus Parade here is no where near as fun as the one in Montreal) and then shopping and dinner with my friend Michael. We went to his sushi place - not as good as my top choice (Sushi on Bloor...mmm..just thinkign about it makes me drool).
Last night was yoga..and wow..it was a hard class. Turns out - I'm in bad shape. Yeah! I admit it. Lots of bending and stretching and the teacher used me as an example of what not to do and she made everyone look at my position. And me there in BARE FEET! Oh the horror (those who know me know how awful an experience that is for me.
Afterwards I went and ate VERY unhealthy food. I have to stop doing that or one day I'll rolling down the street at the parade too and mistaken as one of the floats.
My mood has generally been ok. I'm up and down. Second guessing my decisions here and there. I'm just afraid that I've made bad choices even though logically I gutess ther were the best for the people involved. It is weird being single again. I feel unanchored and a little bit lost. It was like my relationship made me feel tethered to something. Safe from floating away and now I'm on my own again.
Being on my own is something I can handle though. I know I can do it. It is just weird to be in this place again. I feel sometime times like my inner strength is perpetually being tested. But I guess that is what life is all about.
I want to get a dog. I wish it wasn't so much work. I would love to have someone to go for long walks with. Something to force me out of the house early.
Ok, that is all I have today. See..I'm boring!
:)
Today today today
Ugh..I just wrote a whole entry and lost it. I hate that. Stupid computers.
Nothing much to tell. Monday night I had yoga...which I have really been enjoying although I'm recognizing that I need to get more interesting or I'm going to blow up like a balloon. Last night i got to buy some Xmas gifts and then go home for my fave shows - Rebel Billionaire (love that Richard Branson) and the new Amazing Race. And then tonight I'm going to see "Saw". I hope it's good and not a total disappointment. Scary movies can go either way.
I'm less busy in Toronto these days. Maybe I'm less a novelty. I don't know. I'm so paranoid that I'm continuously thinking it is because I'm unpleasant to be around. Now that I am a local - and people are getting to know be better - they don't like me. Some day I feel fudamentally unlikeable.
Being insecure is hard work.
I wish I knew how to fix it.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I dislike myself..I just worry so much that people out there don't like me. It can be really upsetting. Frustrating.
*sigh*
I often wonder if I am good at my job. If I am a good friend. If I am a good person. Do I have any skills or talent?
I have no idea.
Is this like a mid-life crisis?
Ok, have to work. If I lose this again, I just may lost my mind.
(don't I sound mopey...yucksa!)
"I survived because I was tougher than anyone else." - actress Bette Davis, at age 66, commenting on her career
Monday Sucks
Good Monday morning everyone.
I had a great weekend in Washington. If ya wanna see the pics just let me know and I'll send you my Ofoto link. It was awesome hanging out with Jen and Julie and seeing all the sites. I sawt he White House, Lincoln Memorial, Washington Memorial, WWII Memorial, Vietnam Memorial, briefly went into the Museum of American History. We also walked around Adams Morgan, Dupont Circle, and Georgetown. All in all, it was awesome. Not just because the weather was beautiful but because it was so great being with people who make me feel so loved and taken care of. I guess that is what old friends are for. And I definitely needed a weekend of that.
However, coming home was miserable. This can be a cold cold city and last night, for me at least, it was way below zero. Something about it all caught up with me. Maybe it is just because I was away all weekend..coming home is always depressing. Between the breakup, and the arguing because of the breakup, and my doubts about the move and about my own skills...I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. I'm probably a little PMS-y on top of everything. I'm just not feeling very happy and so cut off from the people who make me feel better. Granted I Have a couple of good friends here who take good care of me. I don't know. I just hope the goes away.
I guess this is part of a breakup. One day you have someone who is just htere for you and the next day you don't. The next day you just have your friends...who care about you but aren't focused on you the way a significant other is.
Ugh, I am boring.
Ok, I'm going to keep working.
Have a good day..tell me all about your exciting weekend!
Some days are sad days
So last night, things ended with the guy I have been dating. Although I feel like it was for the best, it is still very sad. He is a fantastic guy and there is nothing I wanted more than to be able to give him all the things he needed to feel good about the relationship. But something inside me just wasn't able to at this moment in my life. I don't know why. I wish I could have.
Some say it is perhaps because I just wasn't as sure about him as he was about me. Maybe that is true. I just didn't have the fight in me to really go all out and make it work. The guilt over that was killing me. He was getting the short end of the stick.
Ultimately, my biggest regret is that I ended up hurting someone I care very much about. That is the worst part.
But I think he deserves someone who can give him all the great things he should find and have in a significant other.
Sadly, it ended angry and I'm pretty sure he won't ever want to speak to me again. I understand and respect that, but it isn't to say I won't miss having him in my life.
Breaking up with anyone is a horrible thing. This is a terrible feeling and I'm just happy I'll be away this weekend hanging out with Jen and Julie in washington. It is a good distraction.
*sigh*
It is a long day.
I just have to keep reassuring myself that in the long run, this is better for everyone involved.
5pm will not come too soon.
I'm bad
I'm bad at updating this blog these days. Could it mean I am keeping myself busy at work? Yes, that is exactly what it means.
How is everyone out there?
I have made an important self-discovery - I am addicted to movies. I just can't get tnough of them. I think I have some kind of problem. Last week, I saw three and this week I am seeing at least one that I know of. AAACCKKK!
Today I got a present in the mail - my mom knitted me the coolest poncho ever. I love it. She is the best! And the poncho...SO NICE!
I'm going to see the new Johnny Depp movie today -Finding Neverland about the life of JM Barrie. I'm hoping it's good.
Nothing else to report of late. The weekend was busy as always and on Monday I went to my first ever yoga class. Yeah, turns out - I'm not flexible! I'm workin' on it though ;)
Ok, I am off to an interview ith Matt and Ian on television.
HAve a good day!
It's the weekend. Who is the happiest girl in the world? I AM I AM!
Nothing exciting going on for me. Tonight i am going out with my roomie from university who cracks me up because she is fearless and silly and doesn't ever worry about anything. Ya gotta love that! Tomorrow I'm sleeping in and doing laundry and hanging out with Amy (Sushi on Bloor - FINALLY) and sunday I am possibly chasing squirrels and definitely going to see a movie at 5. Lot so fexcitement huh? I know. You are all jealous.
It is freezing in my office and I hate it. It would be really nice if I had a poncho to keep me warm (*cough*hint to the knitter*cough*)
I'm leaving at 5. That is my decision.
22 more minutes and I am outta here.
What is every one doing for the weekend?
Cindy is the best organizer ever. With or without sub-sections.
Oh, and just to address the last anonymous post - I am sad about both - the driftin and the lack of time and that fundamental feeling that you and a friend just lost a bit of that bond. Does that make sense?
Brrr.
That is all I have to say. Brrr.
Apparently it snowed in North Bay. How not ready am I!
Reevaluating
I'm questioning people. That is my activity of the day. People are unreliable and sometimes fake and I hate it. It kills me that I feel like we live in a world where we have to perpetually question everyone's motives and it is exhausting me.
I have a friend, and when we were close - we spoke all the time. Of course, thigns change. Now I foudn out he was in and out of town and is too busy to talk to me on MSN. He has never been too busy to talk to me on MSN before. It makes me sad. I guess relationships are evolutionary. But it makes me sad to have drifted from someone I care about.
It is a crazy world we live in. Some days I am deleriously happy to be alive and love my friends, and other days everything just seems to bleak and sad and disappointing.
In fact, it changes from hour to hour.
I'm not unhappy. Definitely not. I just feel like everything is so temporary. Everything is unreliable.
*sigh*
Anyhow, tonight I am going to see the Incredibles. I'm so excited - especially because i was missing out on seeing it with my sister for her birthday.
I hope it is good.
Ok, I'm off to finish working.
T.
Monday Monday
Hello everyone! Happy Monday! I hope everyone reading this had a great weekend and went out and ate candy until they were sick.
I have to say I am feeling much better since my mini-breakdown on Friday. Between exhaustion and exhaustion - I just cracked. But my weekend was so busy I didn't have time to feel bad about anything. Friday night, my friend Ryan (who coincedentally lives next door to me) msn'ed me at about 8ish asking if i wanted to go see The Grudge with him. I didn't think it was quite as bad as everyone else did. But I went out with EXTREMELY low expectations. SO I'm sure that helped. A couple of fun scares.Then I cam home and passed out (so tired). The next morning I woke up bright and early, made myself a big breakfast, and then met Elana for some I Heart Huckabees action. The movie was ok. A little too deep for my liking. I felt a little like they were trying too hard and at some points, it just kinda lost my interest. I guess I'm just not into the existential crises. But if you are into that, I think it is a great movie. The characters are funny and likeable and the cast is awesome. After the movie, Elana and I did some shopping (I needed some red tights for my costume) and then I ate some street meat ( mmmmm...street meat) and then I headed home to relax and prepare for my parties.
So this was my costume - red tights, wonder woman underoos, skirt, and half buttoned up short. Who wasI? Wonder Woman in the middle of a costume change. I know I know, I'm so dcreative and no, there are NO pictures.
Then Cindy picked me up (love her) and we went to a part at her friend Vicky's. The party was lots of fu nand V went all out with the decorating .They have a great place up at Avenue and Eglington. The people there were super friendly and i even tied up a priests costume. I kept worrying that I would tie it too tight and choke a priest. That can't be good for your karma. Then we headed off to Mel's party (a girl who works here at Segal with me) where i got to hang out with the Segal gang and have some laughs (my favorite part being when Aaron's housemate leaned over to give Cindy a kiss...the look of horror and confusion on her face was priceless). At about 2, I crawled into bed and passed out.
The next day I woke up late (or so I thought) and was TOTALLY confused by the time (one clock said 11 and one said 10) and then I realized we had set the clocks back.Once I figured that all out, I headed out for a long walk to meet Cameron for brunch and a play. We went to see The Rat Pack which is a simulation of a Las Vegas show with Sintra, Martin, and Sammy David Jr. It was really fun - especially if you like that kind of music. I was so into it. I love that old music and those old kinda of stage shows. It is so classic. Nothing like what we have today which are these big production. This is so casual and fun and laid back. Sometimes i think I was born in the wrong era. Cam and i went through the Mirvish productions book and decided there are at least 2 other plays we wanna see in the next 6-8 months. It is SO nice ot have someone to see plays with .I love that stuff.
After the play, we grabbed a snack and I headed up to my hood to have a coffee with my friend Mike, who i haven't had a chance to see yet (since the move) . And it was great hanging and talking with him (although I talked his ear off).
Then I finally made it home and today I am taking the night off to just relax and do laundry and clean. Exciting huh?
So, who out there went out for Halloween? I want to see costume pictures!!
