I am insane - please don't read this
I am ever teetering on the edge of picking up the phone and calling him myself. A desperate attempt to hold onto a feeling I had that was possibly based on nothing real at all. It is moments like this when I reach out to my friends for an emotional intervention. I want them to remind me why it is a bad idea to throw myself at someone else's mercy. It is like a drug. I want my fix. I want th bad feelings to go away.I know it isn't him...the dude...who I am mourning over right now. But something much deeper. Being in a new city and losing the close contact I had with my family on a regular basis. It triggers some insecurity in me that is triggered by the dude's behavior. At the same time, I recognize that there was something about my time with him that made me feel somethign I hadn't felt with someone in a long time, if ever. And that tiny glimpse of something that intense and good has left an even more intense feeling of loss inside me. I want to say I miss him. But that seems not possible. How can you miss someone you barely knew. Can you miss something that you thought you might have? Can you miss a possibility? The sound of my own whining and complaining makes me ill, but I feel compelled to get these words out of me. TO get them down on paper so my friends can read it and remind me that I am going to be ok. Even though I know it. Even though I know this is the tiniest speed bump..it feels as intense as the worst train wreck.
I want him to call I want him to call I want him to call. There. I said it. tali who proclaims not to be needy and to be perfedctly ok being single wants a guy to call and would willingly give up the single life and all freedoms that come along with it for this guy. Because I like him. I really like him. I really liked the way he felt to be with. I liked when he looked at me. I liked when he called me.I'm obsessed. Is this what obsession is? Am I completely insane? AM I?
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I'm completely lost right now. And it scares me.
The funny part is, if not for this blog, no one but one or maybe two friends would know how hard a time I'm having with all this.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Ok..this is over now. I miss him. I like him. If I heard from him, I would be delighted. But if I don't, it is his loss. I'm done with it. This has to end here and I have to stop torturing myself. I have to stop all this self abuse. It isn't normal and healthy.
OK..I'm off to bed.
Can anyone give me a labotomy for a few days?
Ugh
So last night I went to a pretty cool party. I'm not going to lie to you. Jay-Z walked by me as did Mick Jagger, and a couple of the Wayans brothers. Uh-huh....hanging with celebs.
There were a lot of beutiful people there and, let me tell you, I felt thoroughly inadequate. It was fun to people watch but gatherings like that only bring out my each and every insecurity. And they were there in full force yesterday. I need to be at a party with average people and then I'll fit in much better.
*sigh*When am I goin to make it back into my happy place? How do I fix all this?? I wish there wasw an easy fix...Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style. I've turned into this miserable whiney baby. I hate it. That isn't even true...during the day..I can maintain my stiff upper lip. It is at night that I crumble.
I so wanted a happy ending with this one. I wanted this to be completely different and I wanted there to be some big magical realization. But I knew it wouldn't happen. As much as I knew it wouldn't, that desperat secret part of me hoped I was immensely wrong. Some tiny part of me that wanted to give any feelings that were there the benefit of the doubt.
I must hate myself. I do this to myself.I put myself in the path of these emotional disasters. I'm an idiot. ARGH!
Do you ever feel that you are the victim of your own naivete?
2 weeks today. It wasn't destined to be. How long until this doesn't bother me?
Emotional Turret's
As long as I can remember...being upset..especially when it came to "relationship" issues hae brought about the same feelings. One of the biggest ones is shame. I have these..how can I describe them...day dreams. A flash. A vision of a moment of complete vulnerability. A smile. A touch. A kiss. A more intimate or sexual moment. It is there in front of me for one second. It is intensely vivid. And it hurts. It is like a cramp. I squeeze my eyes closed when it happens to make it stop. But that makes it more vivd. It is like my body is purging myself of everything I just want to forget. Like a flackback. It happens randomly. I'm working or walking or watching tv. I can only imagine what the people who are walking by me see. I want to disappear into me seat. I want it to go away. I feel sick. Nauseous when it happens. I bend over and breathe. Deep breaths until it is gone. Until the image is no right in front of my eyes.
I can't handle it. I want to go home and shower. Or drive a pin into my leg. Or peel the skin off my entire body and be untouched again. Something to make me feel something real. Something here and now. SOmething that will bring me back into the world.
It is like emotional turret's.
Then the shame creeps in. I'm ashamed of my behavior. Ashamed that I let myself go. I should have known better. Stupid stupid girl.Then I'm angry at myself for being ashamed that I followed an instinct. Stupid stupid girl. It is a vicious circle that I try desperately to break but it is so hard. I drive MB crazy, needing him to tell me over and over that I wasn't completely wrong...needing constant reassurance. I'm obsessive on a good day.
I'm never going to survive in this world if I don't learn to suck this all up better. If I don't train myself to disconnect from people. If i don't learn to be completely indifferent. Or at least convince myself that I am.
I want to yell, and scream, and throw a tantrum, and throw up. And then be fine. Really fine. Not surface fine. Not fine like the face I put on in front of everyone. But a fine that doesn't include going home at night and feeling worn out and completely unable to sleep because all these moments come rushing at me faster then I can process them all. Recent moment, old moments, personal moments, professional moments. Every moment where i Wished I would have done something differently.
I'm trying so hard not to be a girl. Not to harp. Not to cry. Not to wish I had kept my mouth shut. To believe that I deserve so much more.
We are all the same. Us women. We write the same blogs when we get hurt. We mourn. And we cry. And we analyze. And we ache. And we hold our tongue while inside we want to beg and plead. How do men do it? Walk away. Shut off like a faucet. Turn off one day as if you never existed.
My mind is a maze of self -pity and I'm getting you all lost in it now. I'm just the cruel minotaur who is going to trap you in my labyrinth. It is like a bad sci-fi story. The heartless minotaur traps the innocent village people so she can feed on their hearts to find a way to make hers feel whole again.
Can a minotaur be female? Does it matter right now?
I talk too much. The dentist aked if I clench my teeth. All I could think was "I wish". If I could learn to keep this mouth shut, my life would be a very different one. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
Balls and Latex
So much adventure to speak of and so little time to write it all up in. Last night I had a great time with the team at a baseball game. Even went down on the field. Turns out baseball players are HOT in person. HOT! Here are some pics from the wild evening out:
Matt and I on the actual field. How cool is that? Best view I've ever had of the field. From now on I'm sitting in the dugout with the players. YUM!
Stu grabbed my boob...that perv. I'm offended. Or I liked it. I remain non-commital.
Then this morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn because I had to go to the DENTIST! (screams of horror). I haven't been to the dentist in about 6 years. So I knew it was time. It really wasn't all that horrific. Of course there was the token talking while there are latexed hands in my mouth and the awful scraping and an X-ray that caused me to laugh (being that it was from the nose down..you see a bunch of teeth and then a floating nose ring where my nose would be...and you see the nose ring perfectly). But the WORST was this new tool they have. It is a lazer that beeps when you have a cavity and the worse the cavity..the higher pitched the laser. It was so ridiculous I had to try not to laugh while it was in my mouth. It is a lesson in humiliation I tell ya...when that high pitched whine goes off screaming "you don't brush enough, you don't floss enough you are BAD!BAD! BAD! WHEEEEEE" I felt like I was in a movie. It cracked me up.
Now I have to go back for the rest of the cleaning on Friday and then some invisible sealants for the semi-cavities I have. I feel so dirty.
Ghosts
There are certain things i don't see in my future anymore. Kids...relationship...I don't see them. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a self-pity thing. I'm not saying this in the midst of a moment of misery. I'm saying it because i'm starting to recognize how things are changing for me. I'm not even sure that they are changing or that I am just starting to see the world for what it really is. I have a lot of female friends, who I love, but who seem to live for relationships. And the time they are single is just the time between men for them. Their constant goal being to be involved and be with someone or find someone to potentially be with. Maybe I'm just as bad, I don't even know anymore. I think that I am different, but I'm sure someone on the outside would have a better perspective than I do. People have said I have commitment issues. I can't argue. Relationships are scary. Getting involved is scary. I'm drawn to men I know i can't have. They are safe. Safe in that I look at them and know I will get hurt. There is no guessing games. I know that it is a no-win situation. It works for me. I'm never surprised. But i still let myself go completely. I fall hook, line, and sinker right from the start. Make myself totally vulnerable. Weird huh? Maybe i am a masochist.
Maybe I need to re-examine what exactly I'm hiding from then.
I have days where i just want to sit in a park and be invisible. I want to watch people and listen to their conversations and follow them home. I want to see what I am doing differently than other people. I just want to watch. I want to be a quiet observer. I want to be a ghost for awhile. Does that sound crazy?
I wonder who reads this blog. I know a lot of my friends don't. But I know people visit it. Who are you? I guess reading a blog is like being a ghost. You are an unobserved observer who can creep into someone's personal life by reading what they have written. Some of you ghosts know more about me and what I'm feeling lately then my closest friends and family.
Did you ever just feel off? No physically...just...feel not yourself. I wish I could pinpoint what it is exactly that feels...in flux. I wonder about my career choices...personal choices...my apartment....everything. But that isn't it specifically. It is something deeper. Or I'm just a drama queen. Or a little bit of both.
I'm having trouble concentrating lately. I'm distracted by everything. Not unhappy though. I mean, there is something that is making me sad. I feel sad. But not all the time. Just at night. Late at night. WHen I'm alone in my apartment and my mind starts to wander. Then I feel sad. But I think that will pass with time. I don't know when though.
Ok. I'm going to get some work done.
Stable? Not so much
I feel like I have a hamster living in my head. Why, one may ask, would i think something so obscure? Because the wheels are constantly turning up there (oh, I am so freakin' witty! Bet you didn't see that one coming).
I think if i wrote a blog entry everytime I felt the mood to, you would only then truly appreciate the insanity that is my life and the emotional roller coaster I am permanently on. I'm up...I'm down..I'm up...I'm down.....I'm happy...I'm sad...I'm happy...I'm sad....I'm fine with everything....I'm completely distraught....it is making me insane. Of course, that is assuming I'm not already certifiable.
I'm not gonna lie, something about what is going on of late is getting to me. Of course, I'm also PMS-y so before i make any judgement calls, I'm trying to figure out if that is all it is, although in the secret dark hidden places of my mind I know it isn't that simple. Everything in life makes us re-evaluate our direction. I know that and i don't think this is any different. But I am absolutely taking a look at my environment and who I am and what is going on with me.
I wish I knew whatto write in this blog. I wish I had a better idea of what words to put down on "paper" (or computer screen). But I hate to seem whiney or obsessed (anymore than I seem already) or flighty or flakey or just plain boring. But then maybe what I'm going through is just so average that everyone out there can sympathize and is going through the same thing. That being said, if everyone is going through similar things..then how to fix it and make things easier for people to deal with?
Wow, I have talked myself in a total circle.DOes anything I say make sense to anyone?
Ok. I'm ending this blog entry right now before I say anything stupid. One last thought though, why is it people in this world are so afraid to take risks? Any kind of risk? Why is is all about stability?
Tributes Part 2
Happy friday and welcome to the roller coaster that is my emotional state. I'm all over the board. I'm a closet self-doubter!
But we aren't here to talk about me. Because this is the week of tributes. So today..two tributes.
#1 - Paul K. - my dearest, darlingest horror movie buddy who I adore. Paul and I also met online...but on Lavalife and back when I was living in Montreal. After much time of chatting and sneidng pictures back and forth..Paul and I met and became fast friends. I can easily say Paul has made me laugh more than anyone I know. We discovered a dictionary online from a UK magazine (was it Viz Paul?) and I would send Paul a letter a day and call him to read it on the phone with him because his laughter was so infectious it would brighten up my entire day and the more he laughed, the more I laughed. Paul has the world's best laugh. Paul has been such an amazing friend since the day I met him. He is once of two people (excluding family) who have made the effort to see me here in TO and I can't tell you how much it means to me. He is always there to offer me insight on what is going on and never afraid to be honest with me, even if he knows i don't want to hear it. He is hilarious and fun and enthusiastic and open and creative and an overall amazing person. I am not doing him justice here. I just don't know how to put into words how fantastic a friend Paul is and how much better he makes my life. He is proof positive that you can meet incredible people online. Wait...I take that back..he is proof that there are incredible people out there. Period. And then he started dating the lovely Jen. And she is delightful too. Yay.
#2 - Steph - She will hate this. Because Steph hates being gushed over. But it is my blog so I can do what I want. HAH! I won't tell a lie, when Steph and I met...she didn't think I was very nice. In fact, I believe the word bitch has been used in reference to our first meetings. Let me just say for the record, she was just jealous because all the boys loved me more (I'm KIDDING). But, once we got to know eachother, it was love I tell ya. And Steph has been like a sister ever since. There are very few people in life who you can look at and say they are truly like family, but that is what Steph is to me. She and her family immdiately let "that girl" be an honorary member of the clan (Auntie Tali..that's me). Steph and her husband Richard have let me spend many an evening/night over at their place hanging out and just enjoying the company (and kicking my ass at any racing game Richard can throw into any gaming system they have just to watch me lose it). From burgers and cookies to hours on the phone to bad movies to coming to visit me at my mom's to coming to see me in Toronto - Steph is an amazing friend and has been there for me every step of the way. And she is an amazing person. She is funny and bright and witty and supportive and comforting and non-judgemental and brave and strong...all the things I need in a friend. And on top of that she has an amazing husband (who just loves the speaker phone) and the great baby ever (hmm..who also loves the speaker phone. Where does he get that from I wonder?). So, all I have to say is yay for Steph. She is the best and i love her to bits.So I choose to turture her by posting this online! ;)
See how lucky I am.
Now on a completely un-tribute topic. I founda website that tells you what your wizard name is and it turns out I am Bathilda Figg. What's yours?
http://www.acciofirebolt.com/wizard/
So last night I went to see March of the Penguins. A great documentary about Empire penguins and the lengths they go to to find love and make new little penguins. Narrated by Morgan Freeman it is moving and beautiful and sad and happy and makes you all warm and fuzzy and then shiver in your seat. It is a great documentary which I recommend for anyone who needs to sit back and just watch. Nature voyeurism. Here, check out the trailer:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/warner_independent_pictures/marchofthepenguins.html
Ok..now I'm done.
Big plans for the weekend?
A Week of Tributes
I've decided this week to write about some of my favorite people. Because i don't think they get enough recognition for being such exceptional and amazing friends. So today....the delightful MB. I met MB when I first moved to TO through Friendster. How could I resist someone who loves Jhonen Vasquez? So after many a delightful conversation (and some borderline stalker behavior) MB and i got together and have been friends ever since.
I can honestly say that MB is, by far, on of the best friends that I have in Toronto. He is always patient with the fact that I am borderline psychotic, laughs at my jokes, is always up for a good time, worries about me when I'm down, is completely spontaneous, and always makes me feel like no matter where I am, he is there for me. Now, I'm not really sure what I did to be so lucky as to have made such a good friend upon moving here..but I can tell you that, if there is some kind of higher power out there making these things happen then I have one message - "I owe you one"
I could continue to gush over this delightful young man, but I don't want his head to get TOO BIG. And besides, I just think now is a really good time to remind myself of how very good i have it here in Toronto not for you all to hear how disgustingly sappy I am. So thank you MB, for making my life significantly better here.
ok....and now for something completely different. I don't know what exactly. I'm going to see the Island tonight with Amy. Woohoo! So exciting. I would also like to say that I am loving Harry Potter AND I've decided to start a new project. I want to take those photo booth pictures with all my friends and put them up in frames around my apartment..wouldn't that be fun. So everyone I am friends with..get ready! I'm dragging you out. :)
Ok..I'm going to work...
A Charmed life - a little bit of sap
So...I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I think that there are moments in life where it is easy to lose sight of the things that are most important. And over the past couple of days, I've been reminded of what that really is. You see, I lead a charmed life. And I tend to take that a little bit for granted - we all do - when the chips are down I guess. I am lucky enough to have the most amazing group of friends. From MB to Cam to Amy to Cindy to Lisa to SteveT to Jen W. to Elana to Paul K. to Jen B to Kyle ....there are too many to name here but all have come through and been there for me no matter what. No matter how unpleasant or rude or cranky or miserable I am, they are the ones who never give up on me and are there reminding me that everything will be ok. That sounds great huh? It doesn't even stop there. There is also my family. And who has a better family then me? No matter how far or close they are, they are the best and I know no matter where I live, they are never more than a phone call away. I know I will never hit rock bottom. No one here would ever let me get that far. So, I'm writing this quick blog before bedtime so that everyone knows that, despite and off day here and there, I know that I am lucky. And I know that I have more than I can ask for.A charmed life I tell ya....how many people can say that and really appreciate it.Thanks.Thanks for everything.
Now I'm off to cuddle with my boyfriend - Harry Potter.
:)
Ramble On
Drama...drama...drama
Sometimes I wonder if that is what I'm all about. There was a comment made on my blog about how there was all that drama in one week. The truth is, there wasn't that much drama outside of my head. The turmoil and angst was strictly in my world and on this blog. I never shared it with the dude in any way shape or form.
I feel like crap. I'm not going to lie. But it is....an empty pit kind of not feeling well. My stomach is turning and I just feel like there is a black cloud floating over my head. I'm Charlie Brown. I'm still not angry. I still am sure that this was the right call on his part although I do hope that he evaluates this and changes his mind. No, I take that back. I think hope is my downfall. I like him enough to know that if he called tomorrow and said he changed his mind I would be open to seeing him again..and again and again...but as far as I'm concerned that won't ever happen. I don't think he would allow himself the luxury of sitting around and seriously considering what, if anything, he felt/feels for me. I think he would sooner push all of this behind him and never think about it again. I would like to be wrong. So wrong. But..argh. I need to stop talking. I need to put this all behind me until I'm in a place where it doesn't make me feel ill to think about. I need to be in a place where I'm not reliving everythign I ever said and did with him and trying to pin point the exact second where things went wrong so I can continue to blame myself for something that....I don't know. I hate that I told him I was upset about the not calling. I feel like I ruined everything by being so needy. My sane, logical friends will tell me that this was the right thing to happen because ultimately this conversation would have happened so better now then when I am in much deeper. But, it is so hard for me not to rip myself apart. I don't know why I feel the need to do it. I feel the need to hurt myself more and more. Beat myself down until I am a mess. I know I do it too. I know that it is happening and I know it is the wrong thing to do,but I can't resist. I can't stop myself.
It is funny how these kinds of things...as ridiculous and brief as they are, taint so much around you. At least initially. I walked to the bank and just kept thinking about that initial 28 hour date and meeting him at the magazine store and how things all excalated in the most crazy way from there. Went from total strangers to spending hours and nights in a row together. And then nothing. Then I'm shut out.
I have to stop this. This circle I allow myself to run in.
I have to keep reminding myself that this all was the right thing that happened. And everyone out there was right. I need to be off dating. I need to not be involved for awhile. I need to re-learn how to love myself the most and put myself first. Rebuild my confidence and learn how to not freak out. I know that, with the exception of the dude calling me because he is worth geting to know, I just don't want to be involved right now. Not until I can figure me out. *sigh* it sucks to really like someone who just isn't into you. It really does. I'm just glad that this time, I at least know he was a good guy. Sorry..he is a good guy. Wait..let me rephrase. It sucks to like someone who just isn't a place where he can get involved. No matter how much you may or may not enjoy being together.
Indulgence Part 2
So...it is officially over. The dude came over and told me he doesn't think we should see eachother anymore. It was a terrible moment but one that I handled without tears and one that I think he handled lke a champ. I really apprecated that he came over and told me all these things to my face. That kind of honesty is rare and I really respected him for taking that step.
But wow...that felt horrible. More than horrible. I'm not angry at him. Not even a little. He was honest and up front and was saying all the right things. He isn't ready for a relationshp and doesn't want one right now. He knew that inevitably we would come to a point where it had to evolve to something more and thought it was better to call this off now before things went any further. It was really sad. I don't doubt that he likes me. I know he does. At the very least he cared enough to come and talk to me.
I had told him was bothered by the fact that he didn't call. That played a big part in what happened. It is hard for me to not blame myself for things coming to an end. If only I hadn't said anything....sounds good in theory but I guess eventually this conversaton would have happened. It makes my stomach turn to think about it.
It makes me sad on a lot of levels..but I guess the most important once being that I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. And he was so easy to be around and comfortable to be with. Being around him made me feel good about myself. I'll definitely miss hanging out wth him. I just hope that when or if he ever changed his mind, he still has my number.
So that's it. I got the situation sorted out. It wasn't exactly what I wanted and it wasn't the outcome I hoped for. But, if I allow myself one second to believe in a higher power, I guess then I can believe that everything happens for a reason and hopefully there is a good one for this.
Ok, I'm going to go indulge in a little sadness so I can wake up tomorrow and be ok.
Victim of Me
Ok..I called....yesterday..he hasn't returned the call.
So, hint taken.
Funny how things end as quickly as they begin.
I feel like the worlds biggest asshole right now. You would think after 30 years I would see this coming and be smarter than continue to fall for it.
No such luck. I'm a victim of my own stupidity. Over and over and over.
The inner working of a crazy girl
I'm a complete disaster. I don't know what the F*** is wrong with me. When did I reach such unbelievably low security levels that I started acting like a complete lunatic and let things get to me that shouldn't. So, the dude hasn't called since....I spoke to him on Tuesday..I called. And it is making me completely neurotic. I"m going over everything that was said and wondering if i did or said something that would have offended him.I'm twisting myself inside out over this and I don't know why I do it. On a very logical leverl - when I seperate ego and feelings from all this - I know I'm acting like a complete nutter. But there is this other part of me...that dark secret horrible part that flips out. And this isn't a mild freak out this is a completely sepf-depricating, rip myself apart internally, drive myself completely insane kind of freak. This complete breakdown that I can't control and let few people see.
I mean..I'm good at the cover-up. I can smile and pretend the world is a perfect place, all the while wanting to fall into a heap on the ground and cry until something...anything...makes me feel better.
I'm a spaz...I could call him. Why do I feel this need to be the one called? Is it a social thing? Am I nurtured to feel that my role is to be the docile one who sits by the phone and waits for it to ring. I don't want to be that girl. Granted, I want a little reassurance that he is interested in talking to me and seeing me...
I hate my brain. I hate this circle I run in. I hate it all.I hate that I do this to myself and i wish I had a better idea of why it happens. Why is it I am flipping out right now? And if it all stems from insecurity..why is it that I am so insecure? I know these behaviors have gotten worse as I've gotten older. Is that strictly because I'm more afraid of getting hurt or is there more to it that I'm just not able to see right now. I wish I understood. Then it begs the question...is it time for me to seek professional help? Is this so detrimental to my health that I need to fix it immediately of is this just a phase.
Just for the record MB..I knew that buying those condoms was a bad idea. I totally jinxed myself. FOILED!
Indulgence
Ok..time for another disconnect. Baseball game tonight and then I am going home and beginning to hide from the world.
I'm going to crawl into bed and pull the covers up and hope that that makes everything that doesn't feel good go away. My blankets will be my shield.
And then to work tomorrow and then to see K-Os and then a fill weekend of hiding and indulging in total misery.
Yay.
Condom-capades
So last night I decided it was time to be proactive and buy condoms so I have them if i ever need them. So, I deagged the delightful MB with me because I have no idea what brands, styles, sizes, etc..I was looking for. So after much discussion standing at the condom wall, we settled on a box of them and as we walked to the counter I realized that whomever checks us out will immediately think that these condom are for, of course, MB and I. Now, how could i let that go without playing with it? It was just impossible to ignore.
So we marched up to the counter and just as she was scanning in the condoms and the conversation was as follows (all improv):
Me: I'm really getting sick and tired of being the once to buy all the condoms.
Michael: Well, I do do all the work
Me: Since I do all the work when it comes to the rest of the relationship, I think it is only fair.
At which point I paid and we walked out trying not to burst out in hysterical giggles as we walked out of the store at which point Michael acknowledged that we act like a bouple of 12 year olds. I thought it was hilarious.
Response
The following blog is in response to a comment on http://tali.blog-city.com.
I recently got a comment on my blog from "jiggly Pops". The comment is as follows:
"Ok...this is just a suggestion:
Is it possible to not write about these 2 things, for say....a whole, entire week??:
1. How you don't feel at home in Toronto 2. Stressing over some guy calling/not calling
I mean really, if you wanna know why you can't find a guy...try pretending you're someone else, and then read your own blog.
ps. you're still very nice but even very nice people need a kick in the ass once in a while. "
No, I would like to respond to that message in the most articulate, calm, and concise way. Although I have to admit I find this comment rude, inappropriate, and unnecessary. Everyone starts a blog for a different reason. Everyone uses that blog for whatever purpose it serves for them. For me, this blog is a chance to get out all the thoughts that clog my brain and effect my day to day life. Jiggly Pops, I invite you to never read this blog, in fact, I almost prefer that you don't. This isn't a forum for you to get online and judge me or to tell me why I do or do not have man issues. I find your comment that reading my own blog would explain why I can find a guy insulting. I choose to vent my frustrations and pain here and those are the things that bother me most. That get to me most. That I grapple with the most. Using this as a source to get them out of my system and ask support from my friends and family who read this. I am not afraid, Jiggly, to share my innermost anxieties and fears here despite how crazy they may sound, which is clearly more than I can say for someone like you would wasn't even brave enough to tell me exactly who you are. I am all about constructive criticism Jiggly. I am absolutely not for being insulted or being judged by a stranger. Didn't your mother ever teach you that if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all? You've done nothing effective here other then hurt someone's feelings. If I have to limit what I say here or edit what I share because someone like you doesn't like it, then what is the point of a blog?
I'm going to end this now before I say something I regret because this would easily go on for much longer. Opinions?
Other side
After much anxiety and tension, I'm happy to note I have come out on the other side feeling significantly less stressed about ths whole "situation". Of course, now that I feel that way he will probably never call me again because I think men sense the minute you start to let your guard down and run far far away at that specific moment.
The weekend was good..spent some time with Amy on Friday and then hung out with...hmmm..I need a name or a raference for this guy without actually using names....let's call him....hmm..I have to think. I would call him the dude but a friend of mine uses that term for her husband on her blog and I don't want things to get confusing. But for lack of a better suggestion at this particular moment..I'm sticking with it (Sorry Banan)...so..he stayed over Friday night...then Saturday I hung out with Amy and Martin again and then went for dinner with Sari before crawling to my apartment and watching foreign films (Carandiru and The Sea Inside). Sunday I went to see "My Summer of love" and spent the day with "dude". Lol....I'm making myself laugh by calling him that.
The end. Not very exciting but all in all enjoyable. I still feel like I am a stranger in Toronto. Even after almost a year here....I'm just not sure of myself. I have that moment of panic at the thought of having no plans. WHich is weird because i actually like alone time. I like having a quiet night in and watching movies. But it still feels unnatural here. I have no idea why. I guess it is all about establishing a life and a routine. I'm working on it though. Workin' hard.
*yawn*
I'm ready for that week off. I'm really looking forward to it. It will be so nice to just hang out with the family and sleep in and get an entire week off.YAY!
Ok..I'm going to go work....
The bowler
Check me out..the professional bowler!
WOOHOO!
I have to admit..I feel good today. The doubts..though there...are pushed further to the back of my head....is it possible I've pushed through and come out the otherside a winner? I would love that!
Only thinking happpy thoughts now...and..GO! :)
Last Night
I just wrote a really really long blog and accidentally deleted it without posting it. I am an idiot. Now I have to start all over again. ARGH!
So last night I went bowling with the journalists and it was a lot of fun. Of course, I am a sucky bowler, but I have fun nonetheless. I know I know, there is a Tali is good with balls joke in there somewhere but I'm really not up for making it.
After the bowling, I had the date. Oh the date. We met at a local bar where he was grabbing a bite. I was exhausted and cranky and he took pity with me and came home to hang out and cuddle with me on the couch...even offer a back rub and some making out. Then he stayed over. And it was lovely. Something about hanging out with him really makes me feel calm and not stressed about the rest of the world. Of course, that feeling does not cross over into the real world when he leaves. But I do like him. He is funny and charming and just plain old exciting.
But, it never fails, that as he walks out the door..I feel my stomach drop and I'm all of a sudden terrified that he will never call me again. I'm sure that it comes strictly from my own insecurities - which anyone who knows me will tell you that I have trouble with all the time. I don't know why I get so nervous. Why I can't just have faith in the fact that we seem to have a good time together and he seems to like me, so why would he not call?
Some people call it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do I, inadvertantly, push people away to avoid gettung hurt. Am I so busy preparing myself for the end that I leave no room for errors?
How does one control all that anxiety though? How do I make it stop? How do I just lie back, enjoy, and not think about anything else?
Any suggestions?
Pictures?
Oooooh..I can get pictures on this blog now! WOOOHOOO! This blog is winning the battle all of a sudden! :)
Shhh
I'm stupidly giddy with excitement right now.
I'm a totaly and complete nerd.
I'm so happy he does not know about this blog or I would be sunk. And humiliated.
I'm an idiot
So..I decided to make the call....I picked up the phone..I dialed the number (the home number) and let it go.
One ring
two
three...
at the eight ring, I realized that he has no freakin' voicemail at home. Now, I could almost safely assume then that he doesn't have caller i.d. either.But who knows. And if he does he will see the number and not know who it is. So what do I do? What all completely insane women do...I freaked out and then calmly decided to call his cell.
My heart was pounding. I dialed the numbers.
two rings...
three rings...
four rings...
VOICEMAIL!
So I left a message....trying to be cool but undoubtedly failing miserably.
Then i crawled to my couch and slippped into some serious misery. Why? Because I"m insane and just felt like an ass about everything and somehow convinced myself that if it was meant to be, he would have been home. So I sat..and watched TV. And then went to my room and picked up my phone and...WAIT! There was a message. I dialed the numbers as quickly as possible. The bell answering service says "you have 2 messages to be deleted". DAMMIT! I have to go through those..skip skip skip resave...skip skip skip resave. "You have one new message". All I kept thinking was - please let it be him, please let it be him. I hit the one button to hear my one new message and....
IT WAS HIM! I couldn't have been happier. ANd he was happy to hear from me. Hoping it was me he said. HALLELUJAH! And asked if I was free to see him the next night (tonight).
So, I called him back. No answer. He called me back. We talked for 1/2 an hour.
*sigh*
So I have to confess the truth. I have a crush. A big fat nasty crush on him.
I just need to stop giggling and checking the clock and eagerly awaiting the end of the day so I can hang out with him and act all giddy and stupid!
GRIN!
Time to be brave
Good morning Toronto (said a la Good Morning Vietnam). How is everyone today?
The wearther here is pretty bleak. I'm not going to lie..I don't like it one bit. Not one tiny bit. I need sunshine and a nice long vacation. Where can I move to? Where?
Somedays I think I would like to pack up and move to a whole new place. Just to see if I can do it. Learn a new language, start a new life doing something totally different. Just really get out there and challenge myself. ut it would be tough to leave all the things I know and love here.But wouldn't it be exciting?
That often crosses my mind....follow along the path I've chosen and build my career or walk away from all that and live the life of adventure i secretly dream of having. Travel and take different kinds of jobs...just enough to keep me going. That sounds exciting too.
I wish i knew what the right answer is.
I guess that rule applies to everything though. I'm never quite sure what the right answer is.
I know one thing I need to deal with is my insecurity. It is out of control and I think gets worse as I get older...no....wait..some parts of it get better and some get worse. But I think the parts of me that get worse with the insecurity are the ones that drive me to act like a screaming, weeping lunatic. I need to stop being so afraid. The wors tthing that happens in life i I get hurt. And that is nothing new and that is something I know I can get through. It doesn't feel good..but I'll get through it.
So, I'm grabbing the bull by the horns, I've decided, and making the call. I can't keep playing this stupid "will he call" game. It is making me crazy and causing me to go against my instincts, which is exactly what I hate. So, I figure, I like him, I'd like to talk to him again and make the effort to get to know him. If me calling freaks him out, then so be it. Then I'll chalk it up to a fun weekend and try my hardest to just put it all in the back of my mind. And if he likes me...and wants to get to know me..then...it should be all good. So...I will be brave.
Now...I need encouragement people. LOTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
(just a reminder..to leave comments, just click on the title of the blog)
RRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG
Ring phone...RING. Don't you feel me staring at you? RING
Could the sound of the phone NOT ringing get any louder? It is like an annoying echo in my ears.
I keep trying to stare it into phonecalldom but it just isn't working.
*sigh*
Ok, I AM crazy. Phew, that explains it.
It was a crazy weekend. I think that is the best way to describe it.
I had a lovely day on Center Island with the delightful MB on Friday (Canada Day).
And then Saturday, things got weird. I went on a date. That started at noone. He left at three the next day. It was a whilrwind of talking and hanging out..and I won't lie, things go physical. And then the next day he left. And it broke me like a twig. I feel it. Those moments when you have to accept the reality of life and the truth sets in and you have that moment of "he may never call you again". And all my walls go up. I feel them start to build. I feel things inside me shut down and even though he was still lying there next to me...he was gone. I was prepared. He was walking out and i would never see him again and I hated it. And I immediately turned on myself. I was stupid. Stupid for getting involved. I knew better. I knew what he was about. I turn vicious. I hate myself. I'm angry and I'm hurt.
It is this weird protective circle I twist myself into because I somehow think it is the only way to save myself from future disappointment. Does it work? Hells no.
I liked him. I actually liked him. He was easy to be around and comfortable and it just felt really nice. And that scares me. And the truth is, it scares me to think that he won't call because then I have to condier the possibility that it is because of me. I don't know. I have a million thoughts swirling around in my head these days and i would say that 99% of them are defense mechanisms.
He called yesterday morning to make sure I had his number. I know, it is a good thing. But then I sit here staring at the number in my phone and wondering exactly what to do with it. When to call..if I should call....what should I say. And then this all becomes a game. And I hate that even more. It's a game that I don't want to play because it isn't honestly me.
Why am I so crazy? Because years of bad relationships have made me that way? Or am I just a complete nut?
I'm thrown off by these things. And it is always the same thing. I get stressed and upset when I like someone. Because i feel a crack in the shell and realize I am vulnerable to someone else . VUlnerable to their whims and desires and needs and wants and fear overcomes anything else.
I just don't know.
ARGH!
I'm frustrating myself for no good reason. Well, the reason being I'm insane.
My god, I hope he doesn't know about the existance of this blog. Or I am sunk. Humiliated and sunk. These inner ramblings are only for everyone else's eyes..not his.
