It is Monday
The weekend FLY by. I guess it is what they say....time flies when you are having fun.
Friday night was a fun date with Mr.TRC. We went to see Cursed (his choice) and it was...the worst movie ever. But I still had fun just getting out and doing something. It was nice to have time to do something and relax and not have to worry about getting a good nights sleep at getting up at 5:30 in the morning. Saturday I got to spend the first part of the day with him - which was also nice. I had no idea what he looked like in daylight. :)
Then Saturday I went out with Mr.B for a filling dinner and then off toe see Prjet Orange and Kasabian. What an awesome show. The music was great. Two thumbs up for Kasabian and Prjet Orange was good too. I can't remember the name ofthe opening band - Toronto band - but they were also fun. I approve. It was also my first time at the infamous Lee's Palace. So very cool.
Sunday I had brunch with the girls at a place called Chocolat. Despite the name, everything on the menu did not have chocolate in it. It was a cute little place that seems to be struggling .One waitress and she was running around like a crazy person. I would give it another shot though...just because the Huevos Rancheros were delish. I spent the rest of Sunday cleaning and preparing for the wild times at my place on Sunday night. Tali's first annual Academy Awards get together. It was so much fun and great to have people over. It was about time I started to embrace this city as my own. As soon as I get a card reader for my camera, I will upload the pictures for all to see. So exciting.
Nothing else to report. Now it is Monday and I'm at work and I'm tired. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble sleeping lately. It is so bad. I just need some sleep dammit. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't wait to just sleep tonight. Crawl home..curl up in bed. And pass out.
LOVELY!
Am I the most boring ever?
Am I? Huh?
How was everyone's weekend?
Self-fulfilling prophecy
It's interesting how no matter how old you get, there is always more to discover, love, and hate about yourself. I don't know that it ever events out completely.
So this is what I am learning. I meet a guy. I like him. I immediately do everything in my power to ensure that I annoy him. Things end. I feel bad and walk away saying things like "I don't know how this happened." "What did I do wrong?"
I know what I did wrong. I always do. And the sucky part is...I know when I'm doing it and I hate it..I just have no control. Twice today the notion of self-fulfilling prophecy has come up.And the two guys who mentioned it to me...you're right. You are totally 100% correct.
Things bother me and I pick little tiffs over things that really don't bother me that much.
I feel the wall going up..brick by brick. I protect myself against any possible pain.
What bothers me is that I know I do it...and yet i can never manage to swing my head into a logical way of thinking until it is too late.
So, as of right now...things have got to change. I need to stop looking for soem kind of affirmation, begging for compliments, looking for insults or put-downs or clues where there are none. Before i drive myself - and any man in my life - absolutely, positively insane.
Ugh. I'm annoyed with myself.
It is ridiculous.
I had a lovely Friday night..and i wake up Saturday morning with all walls up for no reason. Maybe the problem is the having a lovely time. Maye having a good time is just too scary a prospect (ok, i mock myself just a little).
On top of all this normal Tali weirdness, I'm ultra moody due to PMS.
FRUSTRATION!
The moral of this story, I can truly be an ass sometimes.
Of course, in the long run, I'm totally worth it. I just need to get over this initial terror at the idea of getting to know someone. So anyone out there who may be involved with me..or one day involved with me...just understand. I know I'm being an ass. I know I get a little weird. Just be patient. It is like an emotional leg cramp. Once it is gone....you will have NO PROBLEM smooth sailing.
Ok..i'm off to pass out. I just need to share my little emotional hiccup with you.
Feedback? Advice? Moral Support?
Completely uninteresting ramblings of a lunatic
This week is so long. I just want it over.
I feel like i don't really mesh with the girls here. It makes me sad. I feel out of the loop.
Still..I love ths people here nonetheless.
I'm so happy it is the weekend.I need to not be thinking about work for a few days.
I have so much to say but I can't say it. There are too many people who read this who don't nee to know all my deepest darkest secrets and insecurities.
OH THE HORROR.
I'm in a mood today. I think it is due to being tired. I admit it. I'm tired.
Actually, that's a lie....I think I'm PMS-y because I'm noticing extreme moodiness over and above the normal tired moodiness.
FO! WHERE ARE YOU? I miss you and I worry about you so get back online. Do you understand me young man? Pay attention to me dammit!
(it is all about me)
12:31. This day is so slow.
Someone out there, please tell me a story. I'm going absolutely insane.
I can't concentrate. I definintely need some time off. A long weekend or something. Or a day of calling in sick. Not that I would EVER do that if i wasn't sick. :)
12:39.
I am slowly going crazy..1 2 3 4 5 6 switch...slowly crazy going am I
Seriously. I'm losing it.
I'm totally looking forward to/nervous about Sunday night. What if it turns out I am friendless and no one shows? :(
Then I would be SO sad. I want all my Montreal friends to come in for a weekend so I can have a big party with them I miss everyone in Montreal. GUYS! COME VISIT ME!
Ok, I'm going to go actually get some work done.
Please ignore my ranting and raving. Or at least promise me you are all amused by it.
:)
So freakin' tired
I'm so tire.d I don't know why.
I'm exhausted and today is the longest day ever.
I'm aching to go home and just crawl into bed and pass out. However, it isn't even 3 yet.
Why? Why why why?
I think I am realizing I am a bad communicator. I'm discovering that the more uncomfortable I am, the more i talk. I mean babble...endlessly. Like i need to fill up that space. Not a good sign for a PR gal.
I'm happy to know that everyone here seems to feel like it is a long day also.
It is so long and boring I don't even have anything to say here. I'm drinking iced tea to try and keep me awake.
It isn't working.
ENTERTAIN ME DAMMIT!
So long since I left a note...
Well hello out there.
I know it has been forever since i made a blog appearance. I was away visiting Vancouver and Montreal and they were both lovely trips. Both for work but fun nonetheless. I had a blast with Matt in Vancouver. I don't remember the last tie I went on a business trip and spent so much time laughing. Matt is a great sport about doing interviews and having a great time. A great person to travel with. Then Montreal and I got to see the fam and hang out with people I know and love. My fave part being going out for indian and watching Lucas dip his nose in the sauce and try and convince me to lick it off. I say yuck. But his serious expression when he was doing this cracked me up.
And then, in the midst of all this...I met a guy. You heard me. I met a guy. And I know he has been ACHING to be included in my blog. So Mr.TRC (and I know you are reading this) there you go. He is delightful and I truly enjoy spending time with him. Of course, I can't go into too much detail about it because he reads this little blog of mine and i don't want him to know all my secrets right off the bat. I feel like he needs to discover them all on his own. Both the good and the bad. And I really don't want him to know that I actually like him. Shhh
But I will say this. He is a good time in the bedroom..if you know what I mean. Despite the fact that he has to leave at 5:30 am for work. Boo. Fortunately this weekend...he is hanging out on Friday night so Saturday morning we can sleep in late and not worry about being functional at all until we want to. Hooray. Oh...he is also the king of the webcam. Love it. I mean..not dirty webcam stuff (you are all filthy pigs..I know that is what you were all thinking). Just the friendly smile and say hello stuff.
I'm itching for a weekend. Lots of lounging.
And I have good lounging company. So who can complain?
Of course, now I will have to start a whole seperate blog so I can talk about all the stuff I don't want him to read about :)
Other then that, nothing is new and exciting. Sushi tonight for dinner. YAY.
What has everyone been up to?
I'm all giddy today. I gues that is what some morning action does for you.
Montreal
I'm in lovely Montreal today. It is so nice to be home although I've been admitedly lazy. I just kinda wanna be around the fam and not do anything else. So I'm doing it.
My mom is making cookies now. DELISH.
Here is the thing I hate about flying back to TO...no one waiting for me when I get home. How lonely :(
Especially when I'm coming from a weekend of family.
There ya go...any man who ever wants to get in good with me..that is how to win me over. Pick me up from the airport. I don't think I've ever been with anyone who did that for me. Never.
Weird huh?
I guess not. Anyone who knows my history can't be surprised by that true confession.
Friday night was a great flight in. Comfort Plus. I slept the ENTIRE flight. Came in and got to see Jen. It was great. Saturday was a breakfast with Cara and Jen and Jen's new man Matt - who was really nice. Then I got to see Steph and Jeremy. I sometimes forget how warm and fuzzy a baby smiling at you can make you feel. I love that Franc-Pilon family. Did you hear me Steph? You guys rock!
Then I saw Zac - which was always delightful. My mom wants us to hook up. When did she turn into a yenta ;)
This morning I checked out Phil and Tara's new house which was a gtreat place off Monkland and that was it. I'm home now and hanging with the fam until I head to the airport. I always hate to leave.
What an exciting play by play.
How was everyone's weekend?
TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME!
Much better
After a few fun conversations..r.est assured my gloomy cloud has passed and i feel much better. Thanks for being such good friends!
Just tell me it will be ok.
I just wrote an entire entry and deleted it. I am an idiot
Insecurity is a horrible thing. I hate it
It makes you want and need ridiculous things that you have no right to ask for.
It makes you want to throw yourself at someone's feet and beg them to reassure you. Beg them to tell you it isn't you....just what they are going through. Tell you they aren't cutting you out forever...they just need time. It is always the people you make yourself vulnerable to tht have that power.
I hate feeling needy. i hate feeling like I need that. I hate that there is that one person. Always that person who you need to hear that from.
I guess there is always that weakness. That person who, in a short period of time, you can feel fiercly protective of and vulnerable to. I'm the worst with that. I'm like an open book with a damaged spine. One wrong twist and i'm broken.
Am i that weak?
Despite all I have done and been through, am I so fragile that it takes nothing more then that to rip me apart? Or am I just in a mood that makes me borderline hysterical.
Maybe it's a control thing. I hate not being able to ask someone for what I want or fix the things that aren't right.
I guess the answer is, if people wanna disappear on you...they do. And the ones who are your friends..don't need to reassure me. Logically, only i can make myself feel better. It is just too bad I seem to make myself so vulnerable to external stimuli.
I've never been good at just..letting people go without some kind of fight.
I guess that is my lesson to learn right now.
Calgon - take me away.
I'm definitely having one of those days where I need to feel where my friends are. Everyone is awesome...but after that email today - amongst some other external stimulus - I'm feeling slightly hung out to dry.
Some days I would like to go live on a deserted island alone where i won't fall victim to people. No people walking away from me when i need them, insulting me, neglecting me, or forgetting about me. None of that. Just me and my responsibility to myself.
I need some serious disconnect.
I can't wait until I have a weekend where I can not answer the phone..and just sit quietly in my place and stare at the walls until I forget everything outside of them for a bit.
Ok, I'm going home to watch Garden State. Yay.
Knowing when to cut your losses
So, I have a friend who makes me feel bad. I feel unappreciated when I talk to her (when she isn't blowing me off) and generally kinda put down. Today, the straw that broke the camel's back - an insulting email to start my day basically implying I am a bad friend.
I've decided I have had enough.
As hard as it is, I'm drawing my line in the sand and walking away from this one.
It is so easy to hold onto friend just to expand your network of connections, but I'm just not doing that anymore. I'm not making big drama out of it, not going to have a big explosions. Just going to let it go. No more phone calls, no more attempts at plans. I'm moving on.
Breaking up with a friend is definitely hard, however, not as hard as maintaining an unsatisfying friendship.
So. Done and done.
Nothing else to talk about.
It is Thursday and tomorrow I am off to Montreal to visit friends and family. YAY.
I'm excited. And next week, off to Vancouver. More excitement.
I'm feeling bad about that email. Truth is..no matter how hard you try..you can't please everyone and i need to stop trying. If people think I am a crappy friend, then I am just not the right friend for them.
I'm not twisting myself up in knots for them anymore.
What else do I have to say? Nothing at all.
I have passes for Constantine and can't find ANYONE who wants to go see the movie. ARGH!
Who knew it was so hard to give away movie passes?
Not me. I had NO idea.
I'm rambling because i don't feel like working today. My brain is just done.
Ok, I'm off.
Tuesday
Ok, I have a horrible confession. I haven't been going to my yoga class and I don't know what to do. Every Tuesday something comes up. And I feel guilty about it because i Have some weird OCD thing. ARGH!
I should check out the Yoga studio near me.
MSN is down and I feel completely disconnected. HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO ME? HOW?
I'm exhausted. I would really like to go home tonight but it is a co-workers birthday and i may join them for their birthday dinner. To a HUGE Chinese buffet.
HUGE
I'll eat until I'm sick.
But then I miss yoga. It just isn't meant to be.
Nothing interesting to speak of. I had a lovely night out with the girls (A and L) last night and I ate until I was pretty much ill. What is more fun than stuffing your face?
They have this great thing here called Winterlicious where there is a fixed menu at all kinds of restaurants. You end up trying out places you never thought you would. They have it in summer also. Guess what it is called?
SUMMERLICIOUS!
I know. Shocking.
I'm going to Vancouver next week. YAY! I'm very excited. I can't wait to get out there and hang out with some of my fave people and see Dad and Seth.
FUN!
So my little brother is getting married. No "official" engagement yet but still in talks to get married in August. Weird, that my younger brother is getting hitched before me. That is not how it is supposed to work. But I'm happy for him. For both of them. That will be one crazy wedding!
Hmm, what else do I have to say? Not much.
I feel lonely these days. Not friends lonely. I think significant other lonely. I hate that. I hate feeling like I need that. ARGH. I think I just miss the safety of a comfortable relationship. Y'know? I don't miss the first few months kinda stuff..I miss the been-with-someone-awhile stuff.
It has been a long time since i had that.
Maybe it is a product of me not feeling settled in life that I feel that way though.
Look at my, I'm psychoanalyzing myself.
Such a talent.
*Yawn*
Ok, I"m going to work.
Decisions
Life is about instincts. That is what I'm learning.
And you have to follow yours, which is so often so hard to do.
The other thing I have learned is that when you least expect it, when you have you guard down and feel lulled into some safe comfortable place where you think you can relax...something comes along that makes you have to re-evaluate everything. And nothiner if more terrifying than making big decisions.
What is more important? The career or the personal?
I have no answers. I have no idea.
I'm completely, totally confused.
Thank goodness I have good friends and family to lean on. Otherwise i wuld be totally lost.
Ok, I need to hit the sack.
Short and sweet tonight.
Sunshine Satisfaction
It is interesting how everything dulls overtime.
Not to say you don't still feel bad. But things just tend to disipate.
It is Saturday and I woke up to sunshine and apparently some lovely weather (I haven't been outside).
Sunshine makes me feel happy and light.
I don't know if thta is just for now or if it will be ongoing.
I feel the slightest bit off balance....sad one minute and quietly satisfied the next. Like I can't get a hold of where my head is these days or what I want/need to be happy.
*yawn*
I want to crawl back into bed and sleep for another day or two. But my eys just won't stay shut. I close 'em and they snap back open. I gues it is a sign. I mean, I did sleep for 11 hours, which is pretty exceptional for me.
I wish i had an interesting story to tell, but I don't.
Someone out there..please tell me something interesting.
I'm going to go watch Pee-Wee's Playhouse Season 1.
Don't say it. I'm a nerd. IT MAKES ME HAPPY DAMMIT!
(ok, I'm a little Peewee defensive).
Today is going to be such a nice day, I'm totally looking forward to some walking around (the Beguiling and the Silver Snail) and then seeing a cheeeeesy horror movie (The Boogeyman)
It will be delightful.
The sun is making me feel good. I'm like a wilting flower..no sun...Tali droops.
Ok, off to get my stuff done and have a laugh.
Tainted Beds.
It is funny how much music can change your mood...or add to it.
I'm tired. I didn't get enough sleep. I didn't get any sleep.
I'm having one of thse days where I just want to go home and pull the covers up over my head and disappear. Forget that there is anyone else out there. Pretend that nothing hurts...that no one hurts. I'm really bad on no sleep.
Sometimes i wish that one good cry could get rid of everything bad. Could get it out of your system. like detox.
Isn't funny how sometimes being around someone can make you feel more lonely than if you were actually alone? Or how you can feel like you have lost something you never even had?
*sigh*
Why am I even writing in this blog today? I'm just doing to depress everyone.
I'm a firm believer in not regretting anything I do. But, secretly, there are things I wish I could take back. Moments I wish I could fix or do better with.
I hate making myself vulnerable. I don't know why I do it.
I can't stop listening to the song "Hold You In My Arms" by Ray LaMontagne.
Here's the lyrics.
When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears It was easy to see that you'd been cryingSeems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns But who really profits from the dyingI could hold you in my arms I could hold you foreverI could hold you in my armsI could hold you in my arms forever
When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questionsIt's my worried mind that you quietPlace your hands on my faceClose my eyes and sayLove is a poor man's foodDon't prophesizeI could hold you in my arms I could hold you foreverAnd I could hold you in my armsI could hold you forever
So now we see how it isThis fist begets the spear Weapons of warSymptoms of madnessDon't let your eyes refuse to seeDon't let your ears refuse to hearOr you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadnessI could hold you in my arms I could hold on forever And I could hold you in my armsI could hold forever
Ok, I want to go home. I need a night of being sad. If this was Wonder Years...that song - the one right above - would be my theme song as the camera pulled back on me sitting alone on my couch with the covers pulled all around me.
I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. Seems appropriate after last night. I can never sleep in my bed the night after someone has been with it. It is like it is tainted.
Another hour and a half. Then I go for a drink. Then I go home. Yay for putting on a brave face.
At least all these years of PR has made me good for something.
Tuesday is OVER
Tuesday is over and I am SO excited that it will be the weekend in three days. I don't know why but I'm finding this week VERY stressful. The previews are a lot of pressure for me. I feel like i need to make my mark and I worry that I won't be able to. My desire to prove myself is big..but I wonder if it out weighs my fear of failing.
I'm grumpy. I knew I would be. I'm definitly PMSing.
Boo
I had a lovely day though and then had a lovely dinner with Carly.
And now i am home and ready to pass out. I ahve to be at work early tomorrow morning so no working out for me. Why do I feel guilty about that?
I worry about a friend. He had to fly off to deal with something and, although I know it is unlikely he will be online, I keep hoping he will sign in so I can see he is doing ok. Why is there something so selfish sounding about that? Do I want to know he is ok for him or because it will make me feel better? Am I worrying about someone who doesn't want or need me to worry about him? Probably. But I can't help myself.
Ok, I'm weiwd (said a la Homestar)
My warm good feeling for today..I can't remember what it is exactly but I promised Andrew MC it would be him. So, there you go. Andrew - you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
I'm off to bed. Thanks for the comment E....miss you on the bus too and yay for sushi tomorrow. I'm addicted.
G'night1
p.s. I hate telemarketers.
