My body hates me.
Why, you may ask, would I say that? Because at 7:45 am my eyelids shot open like window shades and I'm now wide awake. tired, but wide awake. Sleeeep body..sleeeeeep. No such luck. So I dragged my big old comforter into the living room and I'm now curled up on the couch. Does anyone else shiver uncontrollably when they wake up. Brrrrrrrrrr.
*yawn*
brrrrrrrrr
*yawn*
that is my soundtrack right now.
HG - I can't believe we were in the same movie theater. From now on, we coordinate all movie viewing activities! Booooo.
Must.......go.........be.......TV..........zombie............................
Trust In Me
So I have my computer running. Lots of music playing. And this fantastic song comes on. An old Etta James tune. I love it. I love the sound of the music. The slow romantic beat. A song you would want playing when you are having your first night hanging out with someone at home. And you are relaxed yet filled with nervous excitement. This is the song playing in the background. This is the song you are listening to when you lean in for that first kiss. Slow but not sad.
I can't put the song here, so I thought I would go with the lyrics. Find the song if you can. It's great.
Trust In Me - Etta James
Trust in me in all you do
Have the faith I have in you
Love will see us through
If only you trust in me
Why don't you, you trust me
Come to me when things go wrong
Cling to me Daddy, oh yeah, and I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along
Oh, if only you trust in me
While there's a moon, a moon on high
While there are birds, birds to fly
While there is you, you and I
I can be sure that I love you
Oh, stand beside me, stand beside me all the while
Come on Daddy, face the future, why don't you smile
Trust in me and I'll be worthy of you
Oh yeah, yeah, why don't you, you trust in me in all you do
And have the faith I, I have in you
Oh, and love will see us through
If only you trust in me
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Why don't you, you come to me when things go wrong
Cling to me and, whoa, and I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along
Oh, if only you trust in me
Yeah, yeah
The usual erratic insanity.
Well hello strangers.
Just got back from a night out with CC. He is always so funny to hang out with. Definitely entertaining. We went to see Wallace and Gromit. I liked it a lot. It was light and fun and made me giggle. There was even a joke about nuts. I love nut jokes. If nothing else, I am always impressed with the animation. It is amazing what these artists can do now. The details that does into every frame. It amazed me. Especially when I think about how many years go into these projects. It is quite unbelievable. And if you take the time to notice everything...the movement...the tiny little things that are eaay to take for granted. I'm impressed.
I would like to send a major apology out to Steph because i missed our Survivor night. I love nights where Steph and I can do the commercial check-ins and analyze. It makes me feel close to home.
I'm sleepy. It was so windy last night that the howling of the wind woke me up. My windows were rattling and it sounded like they were going to blow in. I didn't like it. I don't know why it made me so nervous. It was so loud.
It is cold outside now. I love it at night. I like being cold when I sleep...or at least in a cold room, cuddled under big big warm blankets. I sleep so much better when weather is like that.
I have lots of thoughts tonight. Some warm and fuzzy...some a little more self-evaluating. Although I don't think I feel like writing them down. I know I know, Tali doesn't want to talk? That is just CRAZY! I guess I want to figure these things out before i share them with my public.
They aren't big things. Or terrible ones. Just little things about myself I want to understand better. Ok, I throw a couple of things out there:
1. I'm noticing that the more I like someone, the more sensitive I am and more jittery I get. Which is ridiculous. I work backwards. The problem is, it is so hard to explain all this to the person on the receiving end of it. That it is part of me letting go of those last little fears and diving in there. I guess part of that process for me is being sure I'm doing the right thing, although I've already made up my mind and know I will already do it. Does that make any sense?
2. I'm learning that, above all else, the search for love is far more important for me than I realized. That I'm willing to do whatever it takes if i find someone that I think I love. And the hardest thing about that is doing them and risking the person on the receiving end not wanting the same thing. I know, that is the price of getting involved. But it is scary. The scariest thing ever. But I'll do it. Even if it terrifies me.
3. I need to learn not to assume the worst. I need to have faith in my gut instincts about someone. They are always right. I have to not let my insecurity get the better of me.
4. My job.career is far less importan to me than justk nowing I can take care of myself. More and more lately I'm realizing that I want to know I can afford to live, and what I do from 9-5 is just an ends to a means. I need to stop defining myself by what I do and start living the life I want to lead. It is all about priorities. And I'm realizing this because I'm not unhappy not working. I stress about paying my bills more than anything else. That says a lot.
Ok..that is all I can think of right now. I'm going to relax....and read....and just..enjoy the rest of my evening. Thoughts? Input?
I feel silly
I was in a mood today. Feeling off. And I let insecurity and stupidity get the better of me and acted foolishly. It was so ridiculous and I'm embarassed and angry at myself for not knowing better.
Now I'm tired.
Ugh, I'm such an emotional girl sometimes. Hate it. HATE IT.
All over the place
I just got home. I've had a million thoughts. So, I've decided to list them all instead of putting together concise paragraphs with fascinating segue's!
Here we go:
1) Metric concert was great. They put on a realy good show. BUT I have discovered I'm getting old, because after standing for about 4 hours, my back hurt, my feet hurt, and my neck hurt from staring up at the stage. How humiliating. I'm old. Old Old Old old. I was talking to AB about concerts and how, after seeing so many, I really recignize a good show versus a "why didn't i just stay home and listen to the CD" concert. A good concert is such an amazing experience. Makes you fall in love with the band and not just their music. A bad concert, such a turn off. AB, by the way, fell in love with the lead singer.
2) I have a huge ridiculous crush on someone who lives far far away and I spend way too much time talking to him on MSN. But too much time is still not enough. I could talk to him all day.
3) I did something I have never done before. Something that required more boldness than I thought I had in me. And it was worth it. It made me feel irresistably attractive. I love it.
4) I am dying for my ridiculous crush to come and visit me because I am so excited to see if the chemistry exists in the real world. I think it will. I don't know how it couldn't. It would make me sad if it didn't. But what if it did? What is all that intensity exists in the real world too? Then what would we do?
5) Definitions of love. It is a question that has come up a lot in the past few days. Something I've talked to different people about. Love for family. Love for friends. Here's the question...what do you need to love someone? Can you love someone you've never been in the same room as? Can you love someone physically and not emotionally?
6) I am craving physical contact.
7) Some advice: guys with Blackberry's: DO NOT WEAR THEM ON YOUR BELT. It is dorky. Unless you are at work and are obligated to do so, it is not cool. Not cool to check your email when you are out. NOT COOL. Not cool to be checking something on it AT A CONCERT. Same ules apply to cell phones. Belt clips - not hot.
There are a million other things, I'm sure. But I'm so sleepy. I don't even have one concise though. My mind is spinning. I wish I had some chip in my head so I could think a blog entry and not have to be in front of a computer. I would have some brilliant stuff then.
I'm sleepy. I'm going to bed. I'm going to dream of a stranger because right now he is in my head. I don't know how it happened. But he's there. And I like it. I like him. This is crazy. Lovely crazy. Exciting crazy. Fantastic crazy. Romantically crazy. It is hard for me to talk about .I know some people think this is ridiculous and I don't want to hear their input. I don't want the negative feedback. I know the risks. They seem worth it. I'm sorry AB, I know you don't approve.
I need to stop talking. I'm not making sense. I'm feeling giddy. And silly.
I blame Ro. He's done this to me. Left me feeling all happy. Who does he think he is to make me feel happy when I'm trying so hard to be miserable? :)
Addiction
I have a problem. I'm hooked on talking to Ro on MSN. I had to drag myself away today and I just wanted to stay and talk to him all day. I don't care if we are arguing or saying nice things or saying dirty things..I just like talking to him. In real time. And him responding. Right away. I like knowing he is at the computer, as delighted about the whole thing as I am. I'm telling you, it is an addiction. I'm going to be on that show Intervention soon. "Tali, you are addicted to chatting with Ro, we need it to stop. you are RUINING our lives...."hysterical tears, months of rehab, and I get on and immediately sign onto MSN and look for him all over again.
He is supposed to call tomorrow to let me know when he is online. I like talking to him. I like hearing from him. I like hearing his voice.
And then he talked about me on his blog. I feel special. No sarcasm there. I really do.
Now, off the topic of Ro, and onto something else. I went for the WEIRDEST informational interview today. Started off with this President of a company correcting my resume and telling me how to fix it...and then wearing my map as a hat and telling me I can eat it if I'm ever stuck somewhere. Um...wtf? I want a freakin' job. I want to know I can pay my rent. I do NOT want to be hanging around crazies. SAVE ME!
I could go into more details about this job interview, but I'm tired. I don't feel like talking about it anymore. I just want to crawl into bed and have happy warm fuzzy dreams. I'm gonna cuddle up with my pillow-boyfriend and drift into Lalaland (does anyone remember Lalaland from back in the day? How many of you made a video? Admit it!).
So, tell me. How many people out there have ever talked dirty on MSN? Or online at all? Tell me your stories!
Ro and MSN, a match made in heaven.
Today is one crazy day with one major outcome.
I finally managed to convince Ro to come talk to me on MSN. Halle-freakin-lujah! It only took me a solid month of pouring out all my deepest darkest secrets to get him to talk to me. Stubborn difficult boy (and I mean that with nothing but affection). He and I have sent so many emails back and forth that it will be so interesting to have an actual real time interaction. I'm actually really excited. Communication breakthroughs are exhillarating. Yay Ro! Did you hear me? Do you see how happy I am now? :)
Nothing else to report. I just got back from IR's and meeting her beautiful baby girl who curled up in my arms and slept there for about 3 hours. She was so sweet. And making all sorts of faces. She was clearly dreaming. What do babies dream of? In a text message later, Ro asked if my clock was ticking. He was teasing. But it made me think. How do you know if your clock is ticking? I know i want kids one day. At least i do as of now. But i don't feel like I need to run out and have them now. I don't feel like i need to immediately find a man who will father my children tomorrow. So...is that what a ticking clock sounds like? Anxiety and pressure? Or is it more realizing that it is something you may/may not want? I don't know. Or what if the fact that I'm not more crazed means I don't really want children? Ok, I don't think that is it. I know I want them one day. Eventually.
I'm going out with RM tonight. I haven't seen him for about 4 years. He was the first guy to ever ask me out when I was 15. He gave me a rose. I was SO embarassed. The whole school knew about it. :)
I was the worst girlfriend. I had never kissed anyone and was so nervous about it, I refused to be alone with him. And so he dumped me for a friend of mine. Dirty rat. But we've stayed friends and get to catch up tonight. A little bit of football watching. FUN!
Alright, I am off to make my apartment pretty...and drink some water and hang out.
It is so windy out it is crazy. My plants are getting murdered outside.
Does anyone out there remember the first person who asked them out/who they asked out? What is the story?
Oh so much running around in this little head of mine. Good...bad..happy....frustrated. I'm all over the place. I think that is the effect Sunday has on me because tomorrow morning everyone goes off to work and I continue to apply desperately for jobs. Booo. That is not a fun job.
If I had NO debt, I would pack up and travel. Just go and see what happens. Unfortunately, I feel like I need to be in the clear before I do that. When O get a new job, my goal is to get out of thise hole as fast as possible so I can do the things in life I really want to do. I want to get rid of a bunch of stuff. Pack up and store everything that means anything to me and see the world. I would love that. Central America, South America, the parts of Europe I haven't seen..the whole world. I want to see it. I want to watch shows and say - "I've been there!".
Somedays I wish I was a millionaire. Not because I want to be rich, but because I want to not worry about paying rent and buying food. I want to not think about those thigns so I can think about and worry about other things.
Not that I am complaining. I know that on the scale of bad, I have it almost perfect. I have nothing to complain about in life. I just wish I had an easy out. Any billionaires out there want to temporarily adopt me? I would be oh so grateful! Come on Bill Gates, you have money to burn! Spend it on me me me me me me me me!
MONEY. I hate money. I freakin' hate it. I hate that we need it. I hate that I can't just quit my job and do other things. I hate it. It makes me so frustrated. Of course, I'm a terrible budgeter. I admit that. I'm the worst. I need someone to straighten me out.
:)
I have a million thought in my head and none of them down in this blog. I'm not ready to say a lot of them outloud or just can't because they sound equally crazy to me.
I'm not unhappy though. I actually feel good. Really good. Mellow even.Relaxed.
Although I have to admit, tonight is a night I'd want someone here to share it with. I'd like to curl up with someone on the couch and put in a movie...and only half watch it because we lay around talking and giggling and kissing through the good parts. I miss those nights. And then I would like to go to bed knowing that that person would be there, without question, the next morning. And the next day. And the day after that.
It has been a long time since I had that. Since I was with someone who made me feel safe.
I could use that tonight. A warm touch.
Have you ever gone to sleep and curled around your pillow and imagined it was someone. I cuddle with my pillow every night. I always fall asleep that way. Some nights it is just a pillow, and some nights I can close my eyes and imagine it is someone. As for who I imagine it to be, well that, my friends, is my little secret. But he is someone I'm quite sure would make sure I would go to sleep every night feeling safe.
Swirling thoughts swirling thoughts :)
I'm off to pop in a movie and go to bed....
Admit it..how many of you made out with your pillow when you were younger pretending it was a boy (or a girl). You know you practiced!!
Do yo ueven remember your first kiss? I do. I was 15. He drooled when he kissed. It was like a bath. It was grooossss. But I was so thrilled to be kissing..WITH TONGUE....that I didn't care. I was kissing a boy. WOOHOO! Then he liked me a little too much and I wasn't ready for that. So I broke up with him. Hee hee. But it started me of fon a bad path of kissing. Now I love it. I can't lie. I'm all about the make out.
Ok, before I say anything else, I'm ending this. Really, I mean it.
Sleep well and sweet dreams.
Follow Up to the Follow Up
So as I was getting ready to dash out last night the phone rings and immediately I know who it is. The one on the other end of yesterdays misery and I couldn't have been happier to see that number there. I hate feeling like I've hurt someone or feeling hurt for nothing and I hated that I couldn't get in touch with him. So we had a chat and were able to clear up the miserunderstanding before it got so out of control that it wasn't salvageable.
Stupid time zone differences (and stupid boys who don't TURN ON THEIR CELLPHONES).
So everything is fixed and ok and I feel better and know that he feels better which is all that matters. That everyone feels ok.
Funny how someone thousands of miles away can shake things up like a snowglobe.
But all is better now. Thank goodness.
So, I guess that theory of "of someone really cares they will try to fix it" was right. And I'm happy to say he called and we fixed it. *sigh* Much relief.
Ok, onto other things. I want to thank Pura Veda Pixie for an excellent comedy show last night. She got us into a filming of Comedy Now and we saw a fantastic comic who I have a little comedian crush on (James Cunningham). Hilarious and cute. I love that. And check out Pura Veda's blog so you can read up on her trip to Costa Rica.
And then I went to see the worst movie ever made. Ok, not the worst movie ever..but not impressive. Flightplan. The new Jodie Foster movie. I mean, she used to choose great roles for herself. And now, crappy action movies that are totally open ended. Boo. Booooooo. I'm so disappointed.
Ok, I am off to meet the lovely Amy for brunch!
Follow-up
*sigh*
Talking to MB is alway a pleasure. He is so pretective of me and often helps me put things in perspective. He is trying so hard to make me see that I did nothing wrong except attempt to protect myself. And if the person on the other side of these emails cared about me and genuinely wanted me in his life, he would be willing to talk and listen and fix this now. There is some truth in that. I can't fight against an immoveable wall. And if he isn't open to talking to me then there is nothing I can do but appreciate what it was and be ok that it is no more.
I'm not going to lie. I'm not ok that it is no more. I'm miserable and if I thought I could change it, I would. But he seems to want nothing to do with me. He seems not to want to budge so I will get to be ok with it over time. Because I have no choice.
So I won't get in touch with him again. Instead I will respect that he needs to not have me around. And walk away. And if he changes his mind I will hope that he will talk to me when he is ready.
It is funny..one day you are free to imagine a person. Imagine their hands and their face and their presence. The way they breathe and they way they sleep and the sound of their laugh. And then the next, you have no right to think about it. No right to wonder or imagine.
Back to bed.
For now, it is my happy safe place where I can curl up under the covers and pretend I'm not sad today.
Emotional Overload
I've been trying to be so optimistic and upbeat. Stay as positive as I can.But today was a horrible day. Email can be both a blessing and a nightmare. Because as much as you can get across with words, there is so much missing and so much room for misunderstanding. And that misunderstanding caused me so much sadness today and I don't know where to put it.
I reacted to an email. I read the meaning wrong. And my response, cause hurt on the other end. And it seems unfixeable. He won't let me fix it, won't talk to me, wont'..I don't know, open a dialogue.
I guess someone more logical would say it shows how much he cares. If he walks away and chooses not to speak to you because of a tonal misunderstanding. I'm not a logical person though and I'm sitting here trying exceptionally hard not to call him every 5 minutes and pressing send-receive every two seconds. Trying not to cry like a baby. Though not doing an exceptional job.
I guess there are no room for mistakes sometimes. I guess this was one of those times. I had hoped he knew me or cared enough to let me make those mistakes and know that underlying it was such emotion. That my response was purely self-preservation because I thought I had to prepare to say goodbye.
I downplayed much of this for my friends, I didn't want them to know I was, maybe foolishly, getting emotionally so involved with someone far far away. I'm not saying it was smart but it was real nonetheless. And intense. And strong.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because i feel cut off. I can't reach out and talk about this with him.
I don't know if he is reading this anymore. I hope that he does. Because I want him to know that I'm so upset right now. I want him to know the powerful effect he has had on me. And I want him to know that I'm thinking of him.
I'm turning into a stalker. I have no idea if he is screening my calls or just has his phone off. I guess I have no choice but to give up. Not somethign I have ever done easily. Not something I want to do.
I feel ill.
I feel stupid.
I feel sad.
I feel disconnected.
I feel frustrated.
I feel a deep sense of longing.
I feel so confused.
I feel like I want to fix this.
On the flipside, I'm angry. Angry that he won't talk to me right now. That what is said in a few emails goes. That it isn't worth a talk it isn't worth fixing or trying to understand. I'm wrecked.
I'm going back to bed. I'm going to get under the covers and cry like a baby until I have to get up and go out.
Birthday wishes!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JP!
Wishing my new BFF nothing but the best! :)
I love cold pizza
No blog yesterday. I started one but then got too lazy to finish. I have no good reason for that. I'm just lazy. No first things first, my mom has finally begun a blog the plans on updating regularly. so go check it out: http://susane36.blogspot.com
GO MOM!
Nothing exciting to report on my end. I'm meeting with a headhunter today. This is all so nerve wracking and terrifying. SOme days it all really concerns me and other days I can just enjoy the time off. I'm half in/half out!
I just want a crystal ball so I can look into my future, see that everything is ok and then relax and enjoy figuring things out. But i guess that is what makes life so exciting, you never know what is around the corner for you.
On the flip side, I woke up to a lovely international call this morning. Helloooo Scotland. The funny part of this being that
a) I was having the WEIRDEST dream at the time that the dude (a.k.a. Messy McMesserson) was getting married at some puclic pool where I was working on the set of a movie being filmed there. And AB knew about it and i was mad at him for not telling me and Messy's finacee really wanted me at the wedding but I didn't want to go....SO WEIRD! I was SO happy when that weird dream was interrupted but woke up annoyed with Messy. I was telling JP that was ready to get up and send Messy a "screw you for getting married and not even telling me" email. Thank goodness I got a hold on my insanity. So thank you Ro, for rescuing me from that!
b) I managed to sleep on my arm and it fell asleep. So when I woke up this morning to the phone ringing, my hand was so numb, I couldn't press the key to actually answer the phone. It wasn't working. If I wasn't so confused and frazzled, I probably would have been laughing at myself. Which I'm doing right now.
It is Friday. Yay for the weekend. Although it is hard to get excited for the weeken when your life has become one long weekend. Loooooonnnnnggg weekend.
Maybe I'll sell everything, put some stuff in storage and run away and completely change my life. Settle in somewhere in Europe or Australia or South America. Live on a beach and run some kind of resort. Anyone up for it? Wasn't there a movie about that?
I love cold pizza.
Ok, that's it. That is my entry today. More later.
Tonight/Today
Today was a beautiful sunny day and I managed to see none of it. But I found ways to enjoy my time nonetheless. I had a FANTASTIC lunch with the delightful CZ. We went to Jack Astors and let me tell you, that place has the BEST garlic bread. It is a good thing I am single because I must be living on a cloud of garlic right now. But it is so worth it people. Mmmm...yummy. Then I went and hung out at CZ's and chatted with her boyfriend KT for a bit before heading home to quickly clean up before the arrival of my step-dad.
Tonight was a great TV night..I just love the show Lost. My phone was ringing non-stop between Steph, CZ, and emails from CF so we could all discuss the show goings ons. It is the best. I'm definitely addicted.
So they found the 25-year old who disappeared here. Her neighbour confessed and directed the polive to two seperate places where human parts were found. Somehow, instead of being on trial for first degree murder, he is on trial for second-degree. Still premeditated, just less time in jail. I don't get it. Did he plead out? Tell them where the body parts were and they offered him a deal. It is terrifying to think about. It is hard to feel safe as a woman in this day and age. CZ was telling me that earlier this week a woman was attacked in a parking lot in the middle of the day. the news reporter made some comment about a lesson to women about being really aware of their surroundings. It made me so angry. Why are people like this? Why is it women have to constantly live in some kind of fear because somehow men out there - not all men, just some - think it is ok to victimize women. I just don't understand. I really don't. I guess i don't understand this desire to hurt eachother at all. People who beat significant others..who beat children..school bullies who beat up other kids. It makes no sense to me...how people get satisfaction out of hurting other people. And I don't think I'm over sensitive. I can watch movies and violence doesn't bother me, because i know it is fiction. Watching it in a documentary makes my entire body shudder.
I have this memory of being out wih a friend at a mall and this guy turned around and started to beat his wife. Mall security came and broke it up and called the police. But the two minute glimpse of it was horrifying to me. And it isn't like I have never been hit, I just can't imagine suffering through severe beatings. I can't imagine how these people do it. I can't imagine feeling that stucj and horribly victimized and tortured. My head hurts thinking about it. I just wish I could fix it for everyone suffering through that.
I know I'm not expressing myself very well here. I just wish I understood what drives people to do it. I wish it made sense to me. But it doesn't. Is it all about power? Is power so corruptive?
I guess this all had my mind spinning.
Ok, I need to get off this topic. Not the nicest thing to think about right before bed time. Onto another topic: it was 28 degrees in Toronto today. Freakin' hot. I'm outside all sweaty. Carrying grocery bags. I get to my building to see this notice:
"The air conditioning is now off. Please turn off your fans".
Oh my god! I have no more A/C and no fan because A/C was included. So, now I am lying here sweating because it is SO hot. I'm not ready for fall. I'm really not.
I watched the new Martha Stewart show. I have to admit, she really bugs me. I'm trying to appreciate her, But I can't. She has NO personality. How did she become a bazillionaire? HOW? The theme song to her show is "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics. Let me say for the record, none of my dreams involve Martha (unless she wanted to hirt me to be her head of PR, in which case, I LOVE her) and if my dreams did involve Ms.Stewart, I don't know if I would call them sweet.
Hmm, ok, that is the end of my useless observations this evening. I could ramble for hours.
:)
Sleep well everyone and have a lovely Thursday!
Scotch and Chocolate
Today was an interesting day. I went to talk to that energy drink company and it seemed really awesome, although they aren't really hiring right now. But the Director of Communications was great and I could see her being a great person to work with. So I'll keep my fingers crossed that something good comes along soon. Power of positive thinking. But I will say that we talked for about an hour and a half. So I would assume that she likes me. Thnk happy thoughts.
Then I met up with Michael and posse and we went to see this really good folk band called Nickel Creek. They were amazing and the woman in the band - her voice was awesome. I had a great time listening to it. CW and I were doing some mocking from our seats and when they mentioned they were going to sing a song about their favorite things..I said Tali F. and they said "Scotch and Chocolate" so CW and I decided those were jsut descriptors of me. Because I'm fiery and sweet. So that is me. Scotch and Chocolate.
Ok...so maybe we found it amusing.
And then AB, CW and I giggled about big units. No further commetns necessary.
So all in all, a good day. Now I'm hungry and eating dinner at 10:30 pm. Which is probably horrible and I feel guilty doing it. Boo.
I'm gonna get FAT!
Moomoo..here I come.
:)
Brrrrp
So it is 3am and I am desperately wanting to be asleep because I'm meeting with a company about a job tomorrow. But I'm awake and feeling off and just can't sleep. Why is it always that way?
I REALLY need to be asleep. I REALLY want to be asleep. But I am wide awake and feeling like garhage.
Booo.
I think I'm getting a cold. All this air conditioning and hanging out in my pajamas all day is clearly having a bad effect on my health. Boo.
I watched a crazy documentary on the sex trade in Turkey and the Ukraine. Women being sold into sexual slavery. WOW! I couldn't believe it. It makes me almost scared to travel. These women thought they were going somewhere to work as a waitress, and before they realized it, they were sold to pimps and being beaten and raped. Then they went to London to show how even in major cities, it is still an issue. There was one cute cop touring the camra around though. I love those accents....hot hot hot. I think I need to be with a man with an accent. But I digress. The craziest part of this whole doc was when they showed it happening in Toronto. TORONTO? WHAT? There women who don't speak english unknowingly come over on an exotic dancer visa and once they get here are stuck in a world of prostitution and stripping. It was unbelievable. One of the major stories in the film was this man looking for his wife who went to Turkey to buy some products to sell in a market back home, and was sold to a pimp. WHILE SHE WAS 4 and 1/2 months PREGNANT! How insane is that? It was a horrible story to watch. In the end she made it back home but was so abused that she lost the baby. Misery.
Now I'm watching a documentary about teens having sex. Vancouver teens (like 14) talking about giving head and anal. WOAH! I was SO not thinking about these things at 13/14. That is way too young. We were way more innocent when I was young though I'm guessing far less innocent then the generation before us. I'm afraid to think what my children will have to face at 10, 11,12....etc....*shudder*
I think I need to stop watching TV. I'm so traumatised by the real world that I'm not sleeping.
That being said,I'm going to make another effort at shut-eye.
Sugar Daddy?
CV CV CV
That would be the title of my biography right now. I've spent a whole lot of time writing mine, editing mine, and sending mine out to all srts of companies. Job hunting is hard work. I'm not loving it even a little bit.
I'll be so happy when I actually get a job. I can't wait! In the meantime, I'm loving just hanging out and relaxing. Or at least convincing myself that I do. I could definitely handle a paycheck once in a while.
Um..where are all those rich men who want to take care of a helpless 30 year old?
Anyone? Sugar Daddy? Anywhere?
I need to clean my apartment. I'm doing that right now. RIGHT NOW!
200 Entries!
WOOHOO! This is my 200th blog. Yes ladies and gentleman..I have written 200 entries since i moved to Toronto last September. How crazy is that?
In honor of that moment, I finally decided to figure out how to post my piture. So if you follow the arrow -------> you will see me :)
(of course, if you are reading this at a time other than when I posted this blog...look in that direction but higher on the page. You can't miss it. I'm the only picture there).
I had a great day of hanging with the lovely Cindy and then with Elanamatic and our friends AC and DC. AC is VERY pregnant and is pretty much due any day now. It was great to see her. I felt and saw the baby move. Such a crazy idea that us women can grow a human life in our bodies. I can only imagine how weird it is to feel it move inside you. We saw the ultrasounds and they are so cool! You can see spine and nose and tiny arms and legs. It is incredible. I am so impressed with the whole process. I have no idea if I will have children. But what an amazing process.
My nose is cold. Like a dog. It is a sure sign I'm exhausted.
I always get cold when I'm tired. I'm feeling it now. I just needed to stay up for the Family Guy. It just cracks me up.
I'm off to bed. Just wanted to chare in this momentous occasion..200 entries.
YAY!
Freakin' safety
So, I get home after a great day today (Hanging with Sari, MB, and JP) but I will go into that after (like..tomorrow). And then I come home at 10ish. I turn on the TV..I sit on the couch and I quickly begin to fall asleep. So I defide to get offline, turn off the TV and go to bed at a reasonable hour. So at midnight, I crawl into bed and turn on the radio and was asleep in about three seconds. Joy.
At 3:31am the loud screeching noice permeates my dreams and I'm up and out of bed in three seconds. Not only did I have no clue what the noise was, but I even had a moment of where am I, and who am I. Clearly I was still living in my bizarre dream. I stumble into the living room, heavy-footed like the zombies from Shaun of the Dead (love that movie) to confirm what this noise is. The freakin' fire alarm. And in an act of rebellion my high school principal would kill me for, I decided to not leave the comfort of my apartment (ok..I sleep naked too..I sure didn't want to get dressed) and instead go out onto my balcony and try to
a) smell fire
b) see if anyone else is leaving.
c) check out how many firemen are down there (I was asleep not dead)
If this building was really on fire, I was a dead woman.
So what I did notice was that in a building that houses probably a few hundred people (32 floors, 7 apartments per floor) there were about 10 people who actually left their apartments and 200 hanging over their balconies seeing if they should actually get dressed and leave. Oh, did I mention that, had i gone downstairs, I would have had to walk back up the 17 floor to my apartment because the elevator goes down?
I looked down, saw all the firemen, looked in the mirror, saw the fact that I had the bigest cade of bedhead and chose to go down with my burning building. If it came to that. Or just wait until, if the building was burning, some burly sweaty fireman would come rescue me. And then he would fall madly in love with my bedhead. And carry me away to the firehouse where I would swing on his pole happily for the rest of my life (that just made me giggle uncontrolably. I'm clearly still half asleep)
So ladies and gents, I finally make sure I am in bed early and Murphy applies his law to my sleeping patterns and here I am at 4 am.
And still groggy.
And cold from being woken from my sleep cocoon.
And can't call back asleep.
And there is nothing on TV.
Someone tell me a story...
Ok..off I go to bed, still laughing at how I would appear to anyone standing in my apartment right now..hoping I will drift happily to sleep.
Lovely Friday
I had a lovely day, despite all the horrible rain. Who needs all this grey?
I got to hang out with the delightful HG. She introduced me to Squirly's, the Nutty Chocolatier, a great pastry place (the name of which I can't remember) where they make awesome pain au chocolat, and then to tequila bookworm where we talked way too loud about porn and how men learn things in there that just aren't hot (though I won't go into details). It was a great day and she is so fun to hang out with.
And then dinner tonight with Sari Olsen.
All in all a great day, filled with good friends and great insight into where I want my life to go right now.
I realize I still have some decisions to make and some issues to work through, but something about the past few days makes me feel significantly less weighted down. I feel a bit off the dude wagon and called him tonight. No answer. I left a message. Once I did that, I felt..I don't know...more in control. This isn't the first time I've felt this way. I get some kind of clarity about making an effort. I have no idea if he has found his phone. If he will get the message. I just know that something about making that call made it all over for me. Especially when he didn't call back. I just can't hold onto the idea of what that may have been if he was a different person. So I'm not.
As Craig David sings, I'm walking away :)
That's about it. Fun party last night. Ran into a guy I went on an ackward date with. He hung around chatting with me all day. I thought it was so funny because he pretty much blew me off. How could I not be flattered by the attention though.
So now I am off to look at international volunteer opportunities and figure out if that is something I'm brave enough to do for a year. I'm thinking of going to Africa to do it. Anyone out there want to act as tour guide for me (oh yes, this was for you young man you know who you are. Just a little off-the-cuff hello)?
I have a list of things I want to do. Resurrect GameDiva, make a documentary (anyone have any suggestions about how to get that done?), travel, pay off all my debt (anyone want to send me a few thousand dollars?) and then keep figuring out how to keep my life as happy as it has been.
I found some great old bob dylan lyrics today. But they aren't so happy, just lovely. But today is happy thoughts, to Robert Zimmerman will have to wait.
Ok Ok
No kicking my ass HG. I promise I'll be good.
Thanks for the wake up comments guys. I guess I have been letting myself get a little too deep in my self pity and having trouble seeing anywhere outside of that. Sometimes you need a good slap to be reminded of the fact that you have it pretty good.
So my solem promise as of right now os to make an effort to not be so down all the time, and if i need to, to at least balance it with the good. As an excercise in reminding myself that things are gonna be ok.
Thanks everyone.
T.
I guess this feeling is a product of life re-evaluating. I'm no sure what I want to be doing with my life these days. I definitely don't know what makes me happy.
What I do know is that I seem to have no patience. For anything. For anyone. Making me, right now, a very bad friends.
So, I'm gonna step out of view for a bit Be less social. Not inclit my own personal frustration on the people around me. It just isn't fair to anyone.
I feeel irrational and not together these days, Like every little thing irritated me. Like I don't have the patience to put on a happy face and smile. It take all my effort to keep myself together, let alone put on a good show.
So I spend a lot of time feeling like a horrible person.
It isn't worth it.
So, here is my public apology for recent shortcomings. Recent insult. Recent impatience. Recent insults. Any of the above.
Understand that any separation from me, on anyone's part, is simply my way of sparing you from whatever this is I am going through.
Finally!
Raheem Shakur (a.k.a. my brother) has finally posted his first blog. As usual, his writing is fantastic. So, thus begins the adventures into the mind of the brother of me. Watch out..it could be scary.
Now go read!
I am off to bed but promise a lengthy post about the joys of headhunters and job searching tomorrow. You just can't wait, can you?
I'm tired for no good reason. All I do all day is sit on my couch, yet I'm tired.
I just got a call from AZ in Vancouver. Funny how sometimes it takes a certain person to call and make you feel good. She called to say that I was missed and I know it was genuine and it was nice to hear.
I feel so unmotivated.
People have read my blog these past few days and find it rather dark.
I can't argue with that. It is dark and sad. Why? Because when I am happy I don't feel like sitting down and writing. It is only when I am sad that I feel like I have something I need to get out. Word vomit. It is like being sick. You throw up and feel better. That is how I feel about the blog. I get it all out and feel better. Sort of. Or at least I feel like I'm not keeping whatever is bothering me bottled up inside.
My phone barely rings. I don't even know that I would want it to. I hate talking. I feel too out of it. Like I have nothing to say.
I stare a the phone. Willing Messy McMesserson (a.k.a. the dude) to call and not call at the same time. If he doesn't call, I'm off the hook of having to make some kind of decision but I' urt that he disappeared on me. If he does, then I'm elated at the attention but stuck in that viscious circle of whatever it is. Sucks.
I just want a job. Just hire me. Anyone. So I can not worry about money.
I'm frustrated.
And depressed.
I just don't know how to fix this.
I do know that AZ has given me a limit to how long I can live in my pajamas. Unfortunately I need to actually get dressed tomorrow so I can go out.
I have candy everywhere in this apartment.
I'm gonna get fat. That is my new goal. To sit aorund and eat candy all day and then start wearing big shapeless dresses (mumus? Moomoos?)
What do you think?
McNickNames
So JP and I have decided that we all need McNicknames. So here is an updated list for this week:
I will now be Lesbian McOnTheVerge (again, not that there is anything wrong with that).
and the dude has been renamed: Meccy McMesserson.
els have any McNicknames they would like to share?
I've just uploaded my pictures from Vancouver so I'm throwing a couple on here for you all to see. Check 'em out:
This is a bird that Seth and I ran into at the Lost Lagoon. It chased me down the path, clearly sensing my fear of rogue park birds. Seth stood far away and rolled around laughing at me. My hero.
Seth (my brother and I) showing our pretty smiles
My dad walking towards the seawall for a walk on a lovely Saturday morning. Notice the beach and the moutains. Lovely!
So there you have it. A little taste of Vancouver! I'm off to try to get to sleep at a reasonable hour! A demain.
The first morning
PANIC PANIC PANIC!
So this is my first morning waking up in Toronto jobless.
I can't lie. I feel a little paniced. I feel a little miserable. And I feel a little scared.
I'm working hard and staying optimistic. But it is really hard.
I have to be both optimistic and motivated and I'm not feeling that this morning.
It had been a long weekend. I would say bad, I would just say - roller coaster-esque.
One where I was reminded of the power of words on a page and the effect a stranger can have. Where I discussed the difference between faith and trust.
Where I summoned up the courage to completely expose my innermost thoughts and was reminded of the fact that some people just don't want to see the deep dark insides.
Where I've learned that people are often blind to how valuable a friendly email can be.
Just a long weekend.
I have a so much to think about and figure out these days. As much to let got of as I have to hold onto.
In typical Tali style, this blog entry is erratic and unclear. Mostly because I don't really want to talk about what is going on. I'm tired of talking about myself and I'm tired of being miserable.
I'm just having trouble seeing a glimmer of hope anywhere right now and that is a scary thing.
I guess the truth is I just don't know where to look.
Simple, isn't it?
Fleeting moments.
That is what life it.
Moments of good. Bad. Happy. Sad.
Yesterday night, sad.
Today, much better.
Why? Because I let myself feel and go through what I needed to feel and go through.
And now I'm here and don't feel the need to sob anymore.
I'm scared, but more about the job than anything else.
The personal stuff, disappointing but done.
Simple isn't it?
I had to sweat it out. And now I have. And now I move upwards and onwards.
To be cliche, I move out of the shadows and into the sunlight.
It is an hour later and I'm already embarassed by my emotional outburst.
But I won't take it down, tempted as I am.
My finger hovered over the delete entry button. But, I'll leave it. If for no other reason then as a reminder to me of how intense my feelings can be.
I'm shocked by how crushed I can get. How emotional.
How powerful the things you feel can be.
So, I leave it up as a reminder to all of us. I don't know what exactly it will remind each of you of. Or how it will make you think. I know what it reminds me of. I know what it will make me think of. I know it will remind me of the right answer. I know the moments it will make me think of.
"So, come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned'
Cause you feel it when they take it away
Something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
But I'm not a miracle
And you're not a saint
Just another soldier
On the road to nowhere"
BE WARNED: This is emotional. The ramblings of instability and heartbreak
Sometimes I wonder if there is a moment. A moment where you can hear the dam break inside you. Even if it is just a fleeting moment. I felt that tonight.
You hear whispers in the wind that you can choose to ignore Rumor and speculation. But when confronted with cold hard fact, then the ballgame changes.
I know I can be foolish. I know I feel things I shouldn't. I know I get involved when I should turn around and run screaming. I know I was warned and continue to be warned. I know I'm taken in because I allow it.
It is funny how you can feel a mix of extreme hurt and sadness and embarassment and the only reaction that works is breaking down in tears.
But tears are not always satisfying. Because the one person you want them to spill on is rarely there to mop them up.
I'm embarrassed that I was not smarter. I'm embarassed that I care about something I should be either indfferent to or annoyed about. I'm embarassed that people know about it. I'm embarassed that I am so upset and I don't really understand why.
The dude has it right - whether or not we agree with him. He turns it on and on like a lightswitch. On so rarely hardly anyone can see it, off when anyone gets too close. I wish i had that power. At least right now. I wish I could honestly look into the eyes of my well intentioned friends and tell them they are right and I will never speak to him again and mean it. And be sure that is what I wanted without having this little tiny lingering doubt. That little tiny voice that says "it had to mean something. It can't have been all in my head.".
Do we see things that don't exist because we want to see them? Do we search for ghosts? Do we hold onto things that aren't there because having something to hold onto, even the tiniest glimmer of something, is less scary then having nothing?
I don't know. I'm confused.
No, not confused. Weak.
I hate the answer. I hate myself for answering the phone. I hate my heart for palpitating when I get the messages. I hate that I can't tell him I hate him. I hate that I don't hate him. I hate that I hate me instead.
It is a vicious circle.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I'm so angry and sad and tired and ANGRY. I'm angry. Never at the right person though. I'm angry at myself for what I perceive to be a weakness I can't shake.
I just want to know that it made him sad. I know I felt something. I know something had to exist there. Even if it wasn't sustainable. I have to know it was something. I have to not be wrong again.
He won't let me go though. He'll keep me close enough to know I'm there. To see my figure in the shadows. To feel my presence when he needs to remember how it feels. But no closer than that. Not close enough to reach out and touch.
NO NO NO NO. This is RIDICULOUS. I am RIDICULOUS. I should be indifferent. I should feel nothing.
It was funny, the last time I saw him I told him this may be the last time we ever saw eachother. And though he was convince it wouldn't be, I was sure it was. He said it was a risk he was willing to take, knowing the last time was on good terms. I had to laugh. Brave enough to risk losing someone. Why are so few people willing to risk holding onto someone?
I'm an emotional fool. Humiliated, I am off to bed to wake up tomorrow and regret writing this. But, a blog is for letting this all out. So here I go.
I can't wear contact lenses anymore. My eyes don't produce enough tears, said the eye doctor. But tonight they seemed to have no problem with that.
Dedicated to JP
After an intense night of gaming and a neverending game of UNO...I would like to announce that JP will now officially be known as: Cheaty McCheaterson.
And I say that with much love :)
So we had a great time playing game.s I actually have a deck of cards that is all naked men. I didn't tell AB and JP about it though (ummm..I mean Cheaty McCheaterson). I just dealt the cards and let them discover it themselves. We had lots of giggling time. Admiring all the looks, the hair, and of course the penis. We were back in a corner playing so no one would see though. Later in the evening, we mved outside to play. And forgot that people on the other side of the window could see what we were doing. While we were playing, the woman working at Second Cup came up behind us and saw the cards, and with a look of mock horror (rivaling Macauley Culkin's famous Home Alone aftershave scene) proceeded to look over AB's shoulder and check out a couple of the men. Of course, as soon as JP and CW and I noticed that, we all began to giggle so hard, the game was almost a write off. The lesson is - sneak in the nudie cards. It is SO worth it.
Love the games night! However, I do find there are people who mock the games night and that bugs me. If you don't like the games, don't come. If you are coming, don't make fun of the games you are playing. I just don't see the point. It is hanging out, it is being silly, it is laughing. It is playing a game. If should be all good. And it just makes the people playing the games feel bad. Just a friendly suggestion for future reference.
Wish there was more
I'm back in TO.
Sitting in my place, staring at the walls and wondering and worrying about what is coming down the pipe for me. Despite great support from friends and family I still feel nervous. I'm still worried I won't find a job. Or more worried about the time until I do. Watching every penny. Applying for jobs. Waiting.......waiting.......waiting.
I'm not a patient person. Waiting is extremely difficuly.
I'm better at the instant gratification.
I want what I want and I want it now.
I slept on and off all day yesterday. The red-eye threw me off completely. No concept of time. Not that I really need one right now. I was so out of it.
I'm finding the toughest thing right now is to figure out how to use my time. It is like a big clean slate and i have no idea what to do with it. It is a weird feeling.
I just feel..directionless.
One day blurrs into another. There is nothing to define eachone.
I wish I had the drive to write. I would love to just sit around and write.
That would be lovely.
No word from the dude. I grapple often with why i want to be speaking to him exactly. Why do I eagerly await his call. I know the answer is to let it go. Not take his calls, not answer his emails. I just don't know that I have th stonmach for it right now. Why do I have to be the hardass here when I don't want to. I don't want to give up because I don't want to let go because I want him to change his mind. So ridiculous. I know i just have to be the tough one here, but I can't do it. My friend AZ says I'm just not ready yet, to give up all the drama. Maybe she's right. Maybe it is that simple. I just need more time to be ok with it.
Ok, I'm off to watch TV, make some food, and get ready for games night with AB and JP.
How was everyone's weekend?
Back to Toronto tonight. So exciting.
I just forced my brother to create a blog, which I think he will love. so go check it out: http://raheemshakur.blogspot.com
Nothing else to report. No word re:the job herei n vancouver so I realize I have to leave it behind when I go back. I can't keep waiting for that magic carpet to swoop down and take me away. So now I am gonna have to buckle down and find myself something. It is an intimidating task to say the least.
Someone keeps leaving nasty comments for me on my blog. Calling me pathetic and such. People don't realize that words can hurt. They can cut deep. But, no matter what this stranger thinks, I am happy to be brave enough to get online and shameless write out my deepest darkest emotions, feelings, and doubts. For those who have to hide behind the anaonymous comments and use that cover to be cruel, you should be ashamed of yourself. At least be man or woman enough to show your face.
to the rest of you, your support gets me through each day. And I love you for it.
Off to hang with my bro.
I got nuthin'
Nothing new to report. I comg back to Toronto in under 48 hours. AACCK! I am SO nervous.
No news on the job. No word from the dude. I got nuthin'.
But I wanted to say hello since i am at my brother's and I'm online.
So, hello!
My bro and I are going for lunch soon. And then hanging around down town. I'll take lots of pictures to post here on the blog.
Ok, I admit it. I'm BORING.
I promise to write LONG blog entries when I get back to TO. Long, emotional, fascinating entries about my extreme stress and agitation levels - not to mention heartbreak, anxiety, and fear.
For now, just be patient.
I have a craving for pasta. Pasta and cupcakes. Sounds like a steady diet for me.
What music says about you!
The lovely HG created a mem on her blog. What she did was take a random mix of songs (chosen either via CD or random mix on an MP3 player) and let those answer some key questions about herself. I thought this was so funy, I'm doing it too. All of you ony my list of fave blogs, I expect to see the same!
What do you think of me, Mr. Ipod? Travelin'
Will I have a happy life? My Cousin In Milwaukee
What do my friends really think of me? Love Blind
Do people secretly lust after me? Manana
What does a possible lover think of me? Time of the Season
How can I make myself happy? Black orWhite
What should I do with my life? Principles of Lust: Sadeness
Why must life be so full of pain? Left Behind
How can I maximize my pleasure during sex? Bigger Than My Body
Will I ever have children? Working Overtime
Will I die happy? I Woke Up in Love
Can you give me some advice? I Gotta Know
What do you think happiness is? Jerk It Out
What's your favourite fetish? History
Ok..so some answers are funnier than other. But still fun! :) DO IT!
Ack. Uck. Boo
Tuesday.
I'm two and a half days away from coming back to Toronto and I'm terrified. Utterly and completely terrified. I have no idea what is coming in my direction right now.
I am all over the place these days.
From the dude to the work to the other stuff going on. I have no idea what to think or what to worry about or what to be ok with.
I'm all over the place.
It is an emotional roller coaster - hapy to miserable..confident to terrified.
Transition. I guess that is what this is called. I'm completely transitional.
Which makes me open for all kinds of trouble.
Ha! This blog is so inconsistent. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I think it is a product of me writing these blogs from a cyber cafe instead of from the comfort of my own home where i can lost in the emotion of the words. Here I'm cool calm, and collected.
The dude called me today, and in true dude style I got off the phone feeling like I am completely inept in every way, shape, and form. How does he manage to make me feel like an idiot everytime we talk? Oh, I know. Because I AM an idiot. And it comes out EVERYTIME we talk. Great.
Why is it I am so drawn to him? What is wrong with me?
I'm unbelievably concerned about my career situation right now. And i can tell because I'm avoiding confronting it or dealing with it. It is just too scary for me to think about right now. I don't know how to make it better or what the answer is.
It makes me feel off. I feel off all the time right now.
People ask me what it is I want to be doing and i have no answer. I don't know what I want to be doing, and I don't have the time to figure it out. I need to find and job and fast. Or I'm in trouble.
Now that is a little pressure.
Ok, I can't write here. there is no flow. But I'm alive and all is well. Seth came back from Mexico, so I've been hanging with him which is fun. It is cool just to have someone to be silly with.
I'm off to go for a walk. Throw my self into the ocean. Something like that.
Needy
I've decided there is nothing worse than being needy and/or needing attention from someone who either can't give it to you or won't. For whatever reason.
Right now, I'll openly admit I'm feeling needy. I need reassurance and attention from someone who, I feel, is kinda hoping to erase me altogether. Perhaps, I'm being dramatic. I don't know. I just know that something feels weird and I don't know how to fix it because I'm afraid to rock the boat and make this person more uncomfortable then I worry he already is.
How do I fix this?
Flatten me like a pancake, slip me under the couch, and forget about me.
One week of being in Vancouver and I feel no closer to figuring out what is going on in my life. In fact, I only further complicate it.
*sigh*
I go for walks around here and while I'm walking I come up with brilliant entries for this blog, but the minute I sit down at this computer they are inevitably gone. They's disappeared.Like my brain is completely emptied out.
I'm having trouble sleeping. I work up with the taste of blood in my mouth because I burned the inside of my mouth yesterday. I'm tense when I wake up. I can feel it in my neck and in my jaw. Everything is clenched. I toss and turn all night. I have no concept of time here.
I feel upside down right now. I don't know what to think and what to feel. I'm stuck between love and hate, happiness and misery, and I'm deeply entrenched in my own insecurity right now. It is funny, I can take a lot of shit, but having those insecurities triggered is not where I want to be right now. I wonder if the reality livd up to the fantasy. Or was it all just disappointing.
Karma. I wonder about karma a lot.
Ro and HG and PK...you guys are cracking me up! Thank goodness for you guys.
:)
Quickie McUpdate
Guten tag.
I just want to say..RO and HG...your comments were cracking me up. All that talk of good smelling soap and all.I had a little giggle when checking my blog comments this morning (much to the dismay of the person sitting next to me who is looking at me like I'm crazy). RO, unfortunately I know NOTHING about Penticton just Vancouver. Vancouver is lovely though. As for soap, I can't back HG up there because I hate really smelly soaps - good or bad - I just can't take it. I don't like my men floating on a cloud of fruity smells. I just can't do it. As for all Canadians being like HG...nope, she is one of the extra good ones. But on the whole, us Canadians are pretty good. I think. So RO, keep us all posted on the Penticton decision and hat you end up doing...where are you coming from exactly? (we'll call it "Penticton 2005...the Decision)
It has been an interesting few days. Unfortunately, not of it is suitable for this pubic blog. Sorry suckers. Let's just say, I am scandalous. And i enjoyed every second of it. The end. Oh, and as for my partner in crime in being scandalous, it was good times. Really really good times.
No word on the job yet although I continue to hold my breath and keep fingers and toes crossed.
I'm in a weird mood, so I don't really know what to write. So much swimming aound in my little head. What I want, what I need, what I dream of.
To Ms.C (and you know who you are) just know that, no matter what, transition is tough and scary but ultimately you made the best choice for yourself and you will get through all this and look back and be able to pat yourself on the back for it.
I'm all over the plae and get one interesting consistent thought down on paper. I don't know why. But I'm going to end this now and update again soon. I guess Vancouver is good for making me forget that things feel bad. Yay for the west coast!
