Blah blah! Blah blah blah blah.
I'm blah. Again or still. I'm not sure which. I know it is because I'm sleepy. So so sleepy. I didn't sleep well last night. Fitfully at best. And now I'm completely exhausted. And I don't do well when I'm tired. I get cranky and irritable and hungry and I just want to go home. SO now, I just want to go home. Days like this i wish I had a car. Because i would like to get into my space and put on my music and go.
I finished my book. It was despressing. Ok, I have about 8 pages left but i don't see how it can pick up. And since I am incluiding spoilers, I won't tell you what the book is. I'll just tell you a girl finally sleeps with her boyfriend - she was previously "pure" and then he leaves her. Doesn't call or anything. Just stops speaking to her. WTF? Why do men do that? Why why why? That is why I often think I will be single forever. I don't even want to teeter on the edge of dealing with that.
Blah. Maybe i should write only with the world Blah now. Blah blah, blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah!
Why am I so unmotivated? WHY?
I think I need to get some action. Or some TLC.
Entertain Me
My average here is 20.47 hits a day. Which actually means I come check out this blog 20 times a day and it counts my visit every time.
I joke I joke I kid I kid (an Eminem reference..who gets it?).
I have a confession. It is a horrible confession and I'm no thappy to say this outloud. I hope that none of you will judge me too harshly for it. Here it goes...
I......
I......
(bites on knuckle for dramatic effect)
I am a procrastinator.
There. I said it. I freakin' procrastinate. I've done it all my life and I hate myself for it. I'm ashamed. Every day I promise myself I'll be more proactive. But then I get lazy, and bored, and too tired to do what I know I should. Help me Jebus (anyone know that reference?). Anyone else out there have this problem?
I'm dancing in my chair to music. People here expect that kind of erratic behavior from me. Ok. I need to go work. Quit harassing me to write more.
Francais
I have to write emails in french to french journalists once in a while and i have to say, my french sucks. Do I care enough to really get out there and make it better....ummm..no. I admit it. I am one of those terrible anglophones who just doesn't care about learning any other language because the only important one is mine. MINE.
Alright, perhaps I'm laying it on a bit thick. Something about French though, it just doesn't stick in my little mind. It escapes out my ears and all the rules float away on a cloud of complete disinterest. Which is really my poetic way of saying "d'uh, I don't get it". I would like to learn spanish though. Maybe that will work better for me.
I sent a risque email today to a guy who doesn't at all know my sense of humor. I'm itching to see his reaction but have thus far not even gotten a response from him. WHich means I either went one step to far and deeply offended him, or he hasn't gotten to it yet. Where, oh where, is the guy who can keep up with me and isn't afraid of a girl who's sense of humor isn't always girly? Where?
Ok, I'm off to work. Someone, leave me a comment. I feel unread.
Yay and blah
So I am officially certified as an open water scuba diver. WOOHOO!
I had a great time this weekend...swimming in a sketchy manmade lake with Cindy. We were with some total snoozers who didn't seem to enjoy themselves at all and were pretty cranky about the whole thing. But we had a blast, especially when we discovered that you can float in a wetsuit (when you aren't wearing the weightbelt and the tank) and we had a blast acting like two 10-year-olds in between dives. We were giggling away. We just have to figure out where the next trip will be. FUN!
That was pretty much my entire weekend.
I was completely wiped afterwards. In bed by 9 both nights. I know I know, I live on the edge.
Nothing else of great interest to mention. I'm pms-y making me unhappy and cranky and dislike my life here in TO. I just feel extra lonely and not really close to anyone right now. I jus don't even have the energy to fake it anymore. I need a long vacation. Or a whole new life. I'm not really sure which one.
Memes and Tagging
So my friend Elana, who is a blog superstar, has recently "tagged" me to answer a "meme". Ok, when I read that on her blog, I was like "what the hell does that mean?". So, here is my attempt at an explanation - a meme is a theme of some sorts set up in a template by a blogger who then via their blog challenge other bloggers (a tag) to answer the same mem in the same format. Challenge may be the wrong word, but basically, you are playing blog information tag.
So, here we go...my answers to the meme:
Number of books I own: I Don't even think I could answer this if I wanted to. I have 3 full bookcases and this is AFTER getting rid of half my books before moving to Toronto. I'm not going to lie to you, I'm a book junkie. I love to own them and read them and admire my literary conquests.
Last book I bought: Hmm, last book I bought for myself? I think I would say....Jonathan Strange and Mr.Norrell by Susanna Clark...although I have probaby bought books since, I just can't think of what they are. That is the last one I remember hunting for and buying it and being excited to rip into its pages
Last book I read: The last book I read was also the last book I bought Jonathan Strange and Mr.Norrell by Susanna Clark. It is an awesome book especially if you enjoy those Harry Potter type stories. It is like a darker, more political Harry Potter for grown ups.
Five books that mean a lot to me:
* The Neverending Story by Michael Ende - I read this book ages ago, thought i'm not sure if I read it before or after the movie (the first time - I've read it several times). There is just something about a book that people are actually drawn into and become a part of the story....I found it irresistable as a child and irresistable as an adult. The movie didn't do it justice.
* Tales of the City by Armistead Maupin - My entire family fell in love with this series. We devoured it all. What started out as a newspaper article, became an amazing series of books and a fun group of TV movies. It is sort of like..a more progressive, interesting, multi-cultural kinda of Melrose Place. I remember reading these books and being lost- blurring the lines between fiction and reality. I started to feel liek the characters were my friends and putting down each book was like breaking up with people. And more importantly, my whole family enjoyed them and felt that way. IT is a great series of books. I highly recommend it.
* Johnny the Homicidal Maniac by Jhonon Vasquez - This was the first real graphic novel that my friend Jen B. (who really introduced me to that world) sat me down and told me to read. She knew I had an appreciation for the dark and weird and twistedly funny and this one was no disappointment. Based on the series of comic books of the same name, about a guy who runs around killing people. But it is witty and funny and not gross. Jhonen Vasquez has come to be one of my favorites in the industry and I have even purchased his Invader Zim cartoon series on DVD. His sense of humor kills me. Funny thing is, I don't even actually own a copy of this book...I guess I should get on that.....
* Weaveworld by Clive Barker - I couldn't tell you exactly what it was about this book that I loved, but though the story specifics don't stick with me..the experience does. I remember reading this book and loving it. I remembered recommending it to everyone I knew and holding onto my ratty copy just so I could one day reread it. Maybe if i did now, I wouldn't get as much out of it...but I remember when I Read - many years ago...how much I enjoyed it really stuck with me. An immerssive story about a world in a carpet (sounds weird huh?)
*The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood - This book gave me chills. A creepy look at the future of the world. Divided by money, power, and the ability to have and keep children. Put together with the fact that it is Canadian and written by a woman - who can resist the power behind it.
This is a tough list. I'm looking at my five choices and wonder if i made the right ones .There are so many others out there that shaped me - Little Women by Louisa May ALcott - I remember reading that when I was much younger and falling in love with all the girls. Diary of Anne Frank - how could someone not be touched by her story? American Psycho - this book terrified me in how simple it was and how easy it was to hide the insanity, and i don't scare easily...there are just so many books I have read over the years that I would love to list here and if I was sitting at home in front of my bookcase, i would probably have a list much longer here. But I'm at work and drawing a complete blank. So this is my jumping off point.
So, apparently my next role is to tag some of my other blog friends...so here goes - Mom, Andrew, Lana, Paul, Serge, Hannah and Michael once you are up and running....you are all tagged..it is your turn. GO FOR IT!
Complete Silliness
Such silliness at the office today. We discovered a new comedian (www.danecook.com) who I now have a little crush on and that has sparked hours of fke emails being sent around and mock wedding invitations. We have all been giggling for far too long. There is no disputing how much fun we have here. I have a great team.
Nothing else going on. I've been feeling...disconnected..but intentionally. Like I'm going through some phase where I Just need to put some space metween myself and some people here. I don't know why and I couldn't explain it. I just notice myself pushing people away for no good reason. I guess it is a chance to regroup and figure out ones priorities. I just feel that missing connection. Maybe I'm just insane.
I think i need a vacation. I feel frustrated with everything. Personal, professional, emotional, physical....I just have a short fuse. I hate when I get like this too..because i know I'm being unreasonable and short....I just have no patience. And i know it is the appropriate time for me to spend some quality time alone then. Which I've been trying to do..but it is hard to manage that downtime and not alienate everyone you know. I'm not good at balance I guess.
Tonight Blue Jays! My first game. Woohoo!
Just Screwy
Some days just feel crappy. And I want to get on this blog and spill it all. Say all the things that make me sad and i find hard but because so many people I know read this, I feel like I have to edit down what I say so that no one gets hurt or i don't get into trouble. But it is hard. I feel like I findamentally get lost in the editing and this attempt at sharing myself is really not as effective as I would like.
But, I guess in the end we make due with what we have and go from there.
I'm grumpy and sad today. It is grey outside and i Wonder if that is what it is. If I am just getting hit by the weather and it is taking over my ability to think clearly. I feel lonely here these days. I'm not sure why and I get angry at myself for feeling it. Ihave a fantastic life. I may not be great with a budget...but I have a good job that people are totally jealous of, I have great friends who always make me feel loved, and I have a family that always makes me feel safe and taken care of, no matter how far away I am. So why is it that, deep down inside, I can't help but feel like something is missing. Does it really come down to not having a relationship? Because i Would hate to think that ultimately, not matter how hard I try, that is the only answer. And if so, that is a terrifying thought because i so often wonder if I am able to actually have a normal healthy relationship. What if i can't? What if it just isn't in the cards for me? I have a hard time connecting to people. Or men. I seem to be drawn to men who are unavailable. I'm sure that is a safety thing. I'm sure it is a way for me to maintain a healthy distance. Or a way to avoid taking a risk by knowing it will only lead to trouble. Why is it though that I know these things and can't do anything to stop them?
I'm definitely in the midst of some intense self pity.
I know it sounds stupid, but some days I just want someone to reassure me. Back me up. Tell me that they understand it is hard and that they think I am strong and can do this. I don't know why. Just one of those things. A stupid, pathetic moment of being needy. I allow myself so few of those without feeling bad about it. Something about asking for help kills me. I don't know why. It is definitely a sign of weakness in me. A strong person wouldn't me afraid to reach out when they need it. Not that I don't talk about my problems. I just hate asking people to do things other than listen for me. Does that make any sense?
I'm babbling today. I have too many thoughts. I can't get them all out because they don't make sense.
I would love to do some kind of voice blog. Where you can talk and people can listen. Like a tape recorded journal.
People have asked me why a blog that peoplecan read as opposed to a private live journal. I guess it is because I like people to know where I'm at. I want to hear advice or support or suggestions. I want to know there are people paying attention.
*sigh*I'm just screwy.
Hard
How is it possible that we get WORSE with dating as we get older. You would think that we would get smarter. We know what we want. We would just get to the point. Move forward or cut your losses. Instead, as I get older, I seem to become more inept with the dating. I know this is due to many different variables including:
1) Insecurity
2) Previous experience
3) Cynicism
4) Fear
There are too many to name.
The things is, I just want to meet someone who is easy to be with. Who feels right. And i don't mean in that flaky cheesy way..but more in that being around someone who you feel comfortable around way. Someone who just feels easy to be with. I'm not afraid of a guy with issues. We all have issues. I have enough issues to fill a small room. But i think you need to find someone with complimentary issues.
I guess it is hard to let yourself go worry-free when you meet someone new. It is hard not to over analyze. It is hard not to interpret what they are trying to say and what they mean. Especially when you feel some little tiny part of you opening up to being vulnerable.
We all get crazy when it comes to being involved. It is no lovely and glorious experience with violins playing and soft lighting. People always say the beginning is the most exciting. I would disagree. It is a little past the beginning when you actually acknowledge that you want to be together and you can relax about the whole "playing the dating game thing" and really just enjoy getting to know eachtother.
It is hard I tell ya. Hard.
Tribute to Andrew
I have a friend/someone I work with....and for now...we will call him....A. He know who he is. To A, I just wanted to say, you are just jealous because my blog is more interesting than yours.
Thbbt.
:)
(written of course, with love)
The Morning After
The morning after the date and I'm sure there are very few out there who read this and who haven't heard all the gory details. The outcome being I have NO idea how it went, I clearly am terrible when it comes to dating, and what I once believe to be my ability to read people it clearly no more. I have found my kryptonite people and it is men.
It was a fun night out. I just got the distinct impression he wasn't at all interested in me. And just when I was sure of that and ready to move on...he completely threw me off track and made me wonder if i was totally wrong.
I'm not going to lie, I got home and felt wrecked. A combination between being exhausted and being totally confused. I just feel like it should be easy. You like them.They like you. You have good chemistry. Then make it work. No boundaries , no games, just going with your instincts. Why can it never be that simple?
*sigh*
I'm tired. I need to go home and sleep and ignore the entire world.
The end.
Dates, Diving, and Damn Fine Weather
Well hello out there! So here is the update:
1) Scuba was cool..ad little bit terrifying but cool none the less. It is so weird to be breathing underwater. Day one we were all about the snorkelling and learning basic skills in the shallow end. The first time you put that regulator in your mouth and take a breath though..it is weird.You really have to suspend all your habits when you first dunk your head in the water wearing that tank.But it is such a cool feeling when you do. The second day we moved into the deep end..and i'm not going to lie to you..I kinda freaked out a bit. I felt liek I couldn't breathe..and I started wondering what would happen if I couldn't breathe. I had an internal panic attack. I calmed myself down though and just went with it. There is a lot to get used to..but it is so cool when you are under there...and it's quiet....and you can see everything. I'm a little intimidated about the actual diving in a lake. But I'm glad I did this.
2) Went to Amy's party on Saturday prepared to stay no more than an hour or two. Then,m amazingly, I actually met someone and spent more time than I should have talking to him and then he called me and we are going out tonight. YIKES! A date?? I don't date! I'm going to be a miserable failure. Ok..moral support....and...go.........
Scuba-terrified
So much to say, I don't even know where to start.
First, I have to say I saw something so funny yesterday that I neede to share. The Maple Leafs mascot - a big white bear - was wandering downtown Toronto - king Street, to be specific) at 8:45 yesterday morning. Along with his "handler" he was meandering around saying hello to Toronto business people. I found this all very funny. Toronto's business people, however, did not seem so amused. People barely acknowledged this source of much entertainment..no smiles....no acknowledgement of sweet Carleton the bear. He would smile and wave and people would just ignore it. It was a little bit pathetic. Are people in Toronto SO wrapped up in running to work to get there and sit at their desk and work for someone else that they can't even appreciate a little bit of humor in the morning. It was almost depressing.But it did make me appreciate the fact that I had a huge smile on my face. Even more, that I was happy and smiling and it was sunny and amazing outside. I don't know. It made me feel good to NOT be one of them. Not one of the miserable hoardes of people who never cracked a smile. YAY! Happy happy joy joy! Toronto business people need to lighten up a bit and learn to enjoy life. Ya only got one.
I'm completely nervous about the scuba diving this weekend. I'm so afraid I will forget to breathe or just not breathe properly. YIKES!
If I don't make it...Mom, Dad - I leave everything to you. Sort it all out.
I have to stop playing on Lavalife. There is just no one there i really feel that click with. I think it makes it worse using lavalife....it drives it home that there are just so many unmatchable people out there. It's kind of lonely. Just to reaffirm..I like being single...just some days...it woudl be nice to be with someone. A nice feeling .Some warm fuzzies. Sometimes I wonder how long you can be single before you lose the ability to feel these things. Already I think that I'm much tougher to be with than I was 10 years ago. So many more years of hurt and fear and self-preservation under my belt. I don't know.I worry. Anyhow, c'est la vie. I'm not in a hurry to settle down. Sometimes I just am curious about the possibilities.
My head is a scary place to be I tell ya :)
Ok, I'm off to get some work done. It is lovely out. Just lovely!
