I'll miss CZ
Today was a lovely day in the sunshine. Hung out with AB - went to walk around Riverdale Park (Ro, I think you will love the area. The houses are exactly what we've talked about. We will walk there when you are here - Cabbagetown). Then we went home to watch the Family Guy movie. It was pretty funny and spectacularly rude. Why is it so funny when cartoons swear? WHY?
Then I came home and hung out for the last evening with CZ. It was SO hard to say good-bye. Not that I don't know we will see eachother again. But she has become, without fail, one of my closest friends and having her here has been a pleasure. I htink I've said all this a million times over the past few days.
We had a great time hanging out tonight. Great as usual. Then I walked her to her car and we both got all teary eyes. Big hugs and then she got in her car. I have to keep reminding myself that she is only a phone call away. A 4-hour drive away. But I'll miss her. I'll miss having such a good friend here in Toronto.
So I'm gonna go to bed and be sad.
And then be glad that I met someone so amazing my very first day here.
And be happy that I'm lucky enough to have such good friends.
Sleep well.
Pretty please
I woke up today to sunlight bursting through my window. The loveliest thing I've ever seen. We've been starved for sun here. There isn't enough ot if and the skies actually look clear. CLEAR!
I'm the happiest girl ever.
The sunlight is bouncing off the discoball PK got for me and it creates pinpoints of light everywhere in my room. I love it.
It makes me feel so good.
It is supposed to be so nice out this afternoon. A walk is definitely called for. I need to make the post of this weather before winter hits and I have no desire to leave the apartment for months on end.
This time change is totally messing me up. I have no idea what time it is. I actually work up at 7:30 am this morning (my usual 8:30) but adamently refused to get up so I went back to sleep. It was delightful. An actual sleep in. I have to admit that I sleep in better when there is someone else there. I don't know what it is. Maybe having someone there relaxes me. Maybe I'm just happy to lounge around then...chat and hang out. I have no idea. But when I'm alone, once I'm up, I'm up. I just wake up and immediately jump out of bed and log onto the computer. Maybe that is it...I immediately log on to find people to talk to.
I need to clean my apartment. I HATE cleaning. It makes me miserable. Always has. I thought once I had my own place I would become a sticker for neatness but not at all. Don't care. Don't get me wrong..I'm not DIRTY. I'm just..cluttered. Will someone come over and clean my place for me please? Pretty please?
Pictures speak volumes
I want to see Saw II with AB today. Holy gross Batman. It had AB and I squirming in our seats. Which is no easy task because we are both so horror movie jaded.
Tonight was my little surprise dinner for Cindy. I'll be so sad to see her go. I'll miss her terribly.
I'm not feeling very talky tonight.
I'm tired.
I need a new pillow for more neck support.
Being that I'm short on words, I've decided to leave you with a picture. Cindy and I enjoying a sushi dinner. No tears until tomorrow.
So much to say...so little energy with which to type it.
Friday friday friday.
Went to lunch with CZ and NL today which meant a trip to my former place of employment. My first time there since the layoff. It was WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD. A little unsettling and hard to answer everyone's questions about what I'm up to these days.
Everyone: "what are you up to?"
Me" Um...well..I sit around, think about Ro, watch bad TV, think about Ro, sent a CV or two, chat with Ro, eat dinner, go to bed"
Good times.
I mean...I love thinking about Ro..but it probably makes NO sense to anyone at all. Who is this Ro guy, they must wonder..and why is Tali so completely relaxed about being unemployed. In fact, she looks happy. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?
Who knows.
I guess I will figure it all out eventually.
So tonight I went to see Jamiroquai and it was a freakin' AWESOME concert. He just rocks. For starters, I'll just say that accent. OMG! I can't resist it. SEXY. And he just has a fantastic energy on the stage. It was fun and happy and electric. He has back up singers! Crazy 70's disco sounding back up singers. And the usic was fantastic. Go out and listen if you haven't done so already. And he played my fave song "You Give Me Something" - which he claims he never plays live. YAY!
One thing I will say is that people turn stupid when they are at a concert. First of f they drink too much and then they seem to forget there are other people there. This one girl was dancing like a maniac, which is fine..except she kept pushing me...hitting me....bumping me. I would move over, she would move closer. I mean..COME ON! And then she kept apologizing. Sometimes i wish I was a scrapper, because I really wanted to scream at this girl. And then there was the girl in front of me with the inappropriately long hair who kepts flicking it in my face. GROSS! I don't want someone's hair in my mouth. Not to mention the plethora of men who use a concert as an excuse to rub up WAY too close to girls. UNCOMFORTABLE. And then there are the bad dancers. I know I'm a bad person but I just can't help myself. I stare and mock them. to myself...of course..but I mock nonetheless. I can't resist.
Lastly, I want to say I was reading now magazine and saw that HG has her name up in lights in there under some movie paragraphs. YOU GO GIRL! I never had any doubt that Now couldn't live without you. You rock!
So, I'm ending this off with the lyrics to my VERY favorite Jamiroquai song - You Give Me Something - it is just happy music. Love it! A nice little song about meeting someone who makes you feel crazy good (so this one is for you Ro) Go listen immediately:
You give me something
When I met you, you were so unique
You had a little thing I’d love to keep
Every movement carried much mystique
I knew right then I’d carry on,
to you I knew my heart belonged
You give me something
Something that nobody else can give
And my heart started thumpin’
You know now you’re the one I truly know I dig
Like the sunbeams from a perfect summer day
Heaven only seems a step away
When I’m with you, I just celebrate
I’m hoping my message gets through
There’s never been someone like you
I had nobody, but on you I lean
’Cause you got these little things that I
I know I’ve never seen
You give me somethingS
omething that nobody else has got
And this love that I’ve been wanting
Oh baby’s turning out to be too fast to stop
You know now, you give me something
Something that nobody else can give
See my heart has started thumpin’
You know babe, you’re the one I truly know I dig
Good morning Ro!
I know he reads this when he wakes up. And I'm usually sleeping at the time.
So, GOOD MORNING!
:)
Just wanted to leave a message here just for you.
Curl up.
I'm going to go to bed early tonight. Really early. I'm going to sign off and curl up in bed and watch a movie and skip all my usual TV watching. I just need to catch up and I'm so tired. I know I need to go crazy and just sleep until I can't anymore.
I wrote a long blog earlier and deleted it. I realized the things I wanted to say most weren't for the blog but for the person I would have been writing the blog about and I wanted to say them to him directly. The things between us are better said directly.
today was a nice day. I got to hang out with PK during the day and then SO in the evening. It was nice to catch up with both . Really nice.
Ok, I'm sorry. I wanted to write a long generic blog about my day but I'm just not feeling it. I'm very much in a different place right now. My head is in a space where I just want to be in that space. Does that make sense?
I just can't do small talk and would rather not to talk at all. So I owe a nice long blog about my job hunt and how I'm stressed and worried about finding something.
But for tonight, I'm going to curl up thinking about someone I just can't wait to curl up with. That's where I want to be right now.
I'm home.
I'm hoooommmmeeeee! WOOHOO!
I've only been gone about 24 hour but it was enough to leave me feeling COMPLETELY exhausted and unsettled.
I levt my apartment yesterday at 1:45pm and arriver bach here tonight (or early Thursday morning) at 12:40am. Of that 26 hours I spent about 14 hours at airports or on airplanes. That is insane. I feel like I smell of airplane. I hate that smell. Makes me ill.
Ok...let's start from the beginning.
I leave late (as usual) and get to the airport. I'm ready for hours at customs because they like to prey on the weak and give me a hard time. I'm through in seconds and SO BORED for the next hour. I get on the plane. Big guy sits next to me in the window seat. No one in the middle. I'm on the aisle. All is well. Big dude gets up and goes to the bathroom (can people not sit through a 5 hour flight without getting up. FOR GODS SAKE). He returns on a cloud of stink. I can only imagine what that bathroom smelled like when he left. And then he clearly had severe gas because there clouds of horrible kept wafting over in my direction. OH LORD. Save me.
Ok..I survive.
Land. TS picks me up. We head to the Cheesecake Factory (YUMMY! Although I never get cheesecake because I'm always too full). Hotel is fine. Great shower. Free online internet (thanks again Ro for looking that up for me. Sweet thing that you are). I get NO SLEEP. I'm overtired. I'm nervous. I'm paranoid that I will sleep through my alarm. Booo. I wake up early (Toronto time) - the coolest alarm ever. It is an alarm clock that has a slot for your iPod so you can program the alarm to go off to whatever song on the iPod. It was AWESOME!
Get up. Check out. Go to interviews. Get in cab. Head to airport.
I check in. And then pace and kill time until I get on the plane. Flight from San Fran to Cincinatti is fine. But by the time I got to Cincinatti I was done with the travelling. I was tired. I was cranky. I hadn't really eaten properly. My schedule was off. I just wanted to me home. But i have this one last flight left.
So I sit on the flight. And from behind me comes the most annoying voice. The MOST irritating girls sits behind me and decides to befriend her neighbour and spends the ENTIRE flight talking at full volume about how cool her life is - working in the fashion industry - how she has travelled the world and all over the states..including Alabama. ALABAMA? Is Alabama a big fashion hub? She was trying too hard and talking WAY too loud in the process. I even put my ipod on and could hear her over the music no matter how loud I turned it up. It was all I could do not to turn around and tell her to shut the f*** up.
So finally we land. I get off the plane. Cold. Tired. Cranky. And I find out we have to take a shuttle to another terminal to go through customs. So we have to stand outside in the cold waiting for the shuttle. I was bitter. So bitter. Finally I get to the terminal. Customs agent barely looks at me and motions me through. And i get to leave to meet the delightful CZ who graciously came to pick me up.
It is SO nice coming home to someone at the airport. Travelling is always so sad for me because I get off the plane or train to no one and an empty apartment. There is something sad and lonely about that.
So now I am home. And SO HAPPY to be here. I just want to sleep in my bed.
Sleeeeeeeeepy.
Thank you to everyone who texted me good luck messages. And thank you to Ro for keeping me company for hours, all the encouraging text messages, and entertaining me while I sat around airports being miserable.
I'm off to sleep. PK is in town tomorrow..I'm so excited! WOOHOO! I can't wait to see him. We have a good 3 hours of hanging out. YAY!
Must go shower out smell of airplane. Ew. I feel so dirty.
Travel
Today I head out to San Francisco for a night. Literally. A night.
I have a job interview out there.
I don't know why I'm feeling anxiety about it. I don't have a fear of flyig or anything. I'm just totally stressed about the whole thing. Perhaps it is all about the flying for 10 hours in 24 hours.
I'm also exhausted. I feel like I can't get enough sleep these days, no matter how hard I try. I'm completely exhausted. I'll feel better on Wednesday when I'm home.
Blah.
Ok, I'm going to lie down.
Today, yesterday, tomorrow
So it is official. I'm on unemployment. Woohoo. I have to drop off my R.O.E today and then hopefully I'll get benefits in the next 3 weeks.
YIKES!
I was hoping it wouldn't come to this point. But I guess it is better than nothing.
D'oh. Job applying continues like mad.
So, the past few days have been difficult. Due to two stubborn personalities, different time zones, emotions running high, and a lot of love. I've heard from Ro. And I was happy that it happened. I'm happy to have heard from him. I know that it is something some of you won't agree with. And I accept that. But this is important to me. He is important to me. And I need to see where this goes. I'm not asking for anyone's advice. I'm not looking for support. I'm not asking for anyone to agree. I'm just asking that you all respect that I see something in him that I don't want to give up.
I'm not the girl who keeps secrets. Especially not from the people I love the most. Which is why I'm saying this here. It is now between he and I to see where this goes.
Ok. That was it. Short and sweet.
Day 2
I feel empty. I don't know what to do with myself right now.
Soon I need to be functional. But right now. I can't.
I'm out of bed and I don't want to be. But when I'm in bed my mind just runs over and over and over everything that happened.
I don't even know where to put it. How to deal with it.
I really don't.
He got angry over something so innocent. So meaningless. And that was enough to make him walk away. I guess he was looking for a reason to do it. To bail. It was pretty intense. Maybe he just decided he wanted out. But it kills me that in the morning it was all about a future and then he hates me.
I guess there is that fineline between love and hate.
Thank you anonymous poster. Thank you for comment (although I clicked on the underlined "you" and ended up at Ro's blog....which I was trying to avoid doing. I'm not always so swift these days. I meant to glide over it and see where the link was and because my keyboard is so sensitive, I clicked. I don't want him to think that I read it. It isn't my business to read it anymore).
The one thing I can say right now is that my friends take such good care of me. They always catch me when I fall. They never berrate me for getting hurt like this. They accept it as a psrt of my personality and they realize that with the good comes the bad - and that means getting hurt so badly that I don't really want to move. I can't imagine it being easy to deal with and see.
What hurts most is that I really really believed in this. I feel kind of stupid for it. I believed in it so much that I ached for it to be real. That I fought until I just couldn't anymore. I gave until it was all so much a part of me now that losing it makes me hurt everywhere.
There are so many feelings running around in me right now.
So many things I'm thinking and feeling.
I'm so confused.
I don't understand how this all fell apart. Or maybe the signs were there all along. Maybe I was just so busy seeing the silver lining around the dark cloud that I didn't see how big and ominous the cloud itself was.
I don't allow myself the luxury of disappearing. I don't allow myself the luxury of a total breakdown. I have this little worry that if I ever give into it, I'll never make it back out. I'll slip into a dark place i won't get out of.
So I fight to keep from drowning.
I'm going over to Amy's for breakfast this morning. It will be a good distraction.
I don't wan't to talk about him. I will cry. And I don't want to cry anymore. I'll save those tears for when I'm alone in my apartment and need to let it out. But not in front of everyone. Anyone.
I have to keep reminding myself that it just wasn't meant to be. That this hurt will go away and in the long run, it is for the best. That the right man for me won't hurt me over and over like this. I gave it my best. I have to remember that. I have to not hurt myself.
That is the hardest part. My own drive to beat myself up about everything.
I turn on my self and it is a terrible habit.
So here we go. I'm back in the place I hate. that difficult place where healing begins. The worst part. Where I have to go through the hurt. And I'm really really hurting.
Hurting.
I'm very very sad.
That is all I can say.
I can go into details. But I don't want to right now.
I don't want to talk.
I'm tired of talking.
I'm tired of believing.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of always doing the wrong thing.
I'm tired of always being the wrong person.
I'm tired of hurting people I care about.
I'm tired of falling in love and believing that means something.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
And I wish I could change. I wish I could be someone who didn't care. I wish.
But I can't.
I can't be something I'm not.
This is who I am. This vulnerable, naive girl who wants so much to believe in something.
I'm really hurting right now. I just want to sleep.
For days and months and years.
I just want someone to show me my life and tell me there is a happy ending.
Tell me that somewhere down the road this will be worth something.
Tell me one day I won't cry so hard.
Tell me one day I won't feel so empty.
Tell me one day someone will say they love me and mean it. Fight for me. Mean everything they say.
Tell me I will find something that is real.
I'll get through this. I know I will. It will hurt me. For a long long time. And i miss him already. But I can't make someone stay in my life who dones't want to be there. Who doesn't want to be with me.
One day I hope I will find someone who will look at me and want to take a risk. I need to believe that that person is out there. I need to know this wasn't for nothing. I'm so afraid that there is no happy ending.
I'm gonna go cry now. Long and hard.
Shiverrrrrrrrrrrr
I'm tired. I didn't get to bet until 3:30am and here I am up at 8:35 unable to sleep. I'm hoping if I stay up for a little while, then I can crawl back between the sheets and pass out. I hope so. I'm tired!
Great day of hanging with HG yesterday. We hit Chinatown (dim sum-my first time), Kensington Market (and bought green tea incense), Queen Street (I want every pair of shoes I saw) , and then Starbucks (love the frappacino) befor heading to our seperate homes to enjoy Friday evening. I spent mine with the delightful RM. Have I told you about him before? Asked me out in grade 9. Gave me a rose, the whole school knew about it. He did it in the hallway outside of biology. I was a nerd, used to slipping by with minimum attention. All of a sudden one of the cool kids is asking me out? This launched my career as only a semi-nerd (before that I was a full on geek). We dated for a month and I never kissed him. I was too nervous. Boy does he like to make fun of me on that one (of course, I am happy to turn it around and tell him if he had actually made a movie, maybe he would have gotten somewhere. Big wimp). He did tell me yesterday that he told an old friend from high school that we were getting together and the friend was all "she had a really hot body in high school. And a really great bum". I was like...WHAT? Why did no one tell me these things in high school? WHY? Apparently I was much cooler than I ever knew. CW's friend said I had clout. I HAD CLOUT???? I never knew. I missed out on using all my powers (yes MG, I know. Use my powers for good not evil).
Anyhow...fun conversation always ensues with RM and we ended up completely passed out on my couch (did I snore or did I just dream that I did) after attempting to listen to some cheezy music we both hesitantly admitted we loved (I admit it, I love Journey. I'm a LOSER). Poor RM. He works as a personal trainer and had to actually get up and train people this morning, on a mere few hours sleep whereas I will lie around and laze until I am forced out of bed. I'm a terrible host. Come over and hang out and I will sleep through your visit and then you can just wake me up to let you out. Bu-bye. Yay.
So that's it.
I'm hoping my brain will stop working long enough for me to sleep for a bit more before getting up. It looks grey and yucky outside which is horrible because JP and AB and I have a day of outside activities planned. Boo for rain.Boo for grey weather. RM full on made fun of me last night because we went to grab a drink (turns out I can get pretty silly on one drink...I'm shamed by my complete lack of tolerance) and I was in my winter coat and fully shivering for the 1.5 second walk to the bar. I have NO tolerance for cold. I hate it. Even now...shivering. Typing and shivering - hard work. Brrrr.
Ok, I'm going to watch an episode of Drawn Together (and thank you KM for the DVD's...you are the BEST).
I hate cramps
Wow. I woke up to someone repeatedly punching me in the stomach. Over and over. And then stomping on my back. And then squeezing my head until I was ready for my eyes to pop out.
ARGH!
Stupid cramps and backpain and headache.
I hate being a girl.
How many years to I have until menopause?
I think my headache is due to dehydration. I haven't been drinking enough water lately. I'm trying to start drinking more but I know I haven't been taking care of business and this headache was inevitable. The skin on my fingers feels dry. That's always how i know I've been severly neglecting my liquid intake. So I'm off to drink a big gladd of water, pop some ibuprofen, and go on my merry way. I'm going to go for a long walk. Motion helps the cramps. The more I'm moving..the better it is.
Ot maybe I'll go back to bed. It is one or the other.
Ok ok..no bed. I'm having lunch with the delightful HG today (v.excited..haven't seen her in ages). We are going for Dim Sum. I think I've only ever gone once. So this is a relatively new experience (and, according to HG, a cheap one!) So I ony have a couple of hours to roll around and moan in agony before I need to get my ass in gear.
And...self-pity begins..NOW!
:)
Kissing
So, the delightful young MR took this picture when I was in Montreal (he's 5..I think..or 6...anyway..he is SO cute). So, this is how I look when I'm leaning in to kiss you? OH THE HORROR!
Cheese
Just got home from seeing Elizabeth town with CZ. Love hanging with CZ (were so bored in the movie we both kept randomly cracking up and infecting the other with giggles). I'll miss her so much. The movie was not impressive although I liked the sountrack. Very mellow folky kinda stuff. It was nice.
I have nothing interesting to report. I'm deep into PMS-y right now. Getting all weepy at the drop of a hat and feeling extra muchy (or emo as some would like to call it). I'm alway mushy (especially with a certain Ro you may have heard about) but when I'm like this, I'm extra bad. I just want to tell everyone that I love them and hug the world and curl up in a ball with all the people I love best. It really is pathetic. So I'm going to spare you all the torture of reading me continue to gush and I'm going to curl up in bed and sleep.
My wireless isn't working. Waaah! I need help. Who wants to come over and fix my network? Huh? Huh? HELP ME!
I have cheese cravings. CHEESE (look Ro, I'm wearing your FAVE pink shirt)
Markham? How the hell do I get to Markham?
So I have a job interview..YAY!
In MARKHAM!
WHERE THE HELL IS MARKHAM?
Anyone out there know how I can get there by TTC because on the map it looks far.
I'm scared! I never leave the city center...eeeeeeek!
My heart is captured
Mornings are difficult for me these days. I hate getting out of bed only to realize I really have no reason to get up and that everyone is at work. I spend a lot of time evaluating and reevaluating what I may or may not want to do with me life. Thinking about it all the time sometimes leaves me drained and feeling off.
But some mornings, you wake up to something that reminds you how very lucky you are. This was one of those mornings. I got up bleary eyed and sleepy and already blah (PMS is killing me) and turned on my computer. I have my morning habits. One of them is reading Ro's blog. I like to see how his day is and what he is up to and what he's thinking. I can't get enough of him. Today he wrote a blog about me. It was the sweetest thing I've ever read. I'm so touched by the words he wrote and the things he says and the risks he continues to take for the sake of he and I. In one simple entry he made sure that I felt beautiful, loved, appreciated, brave, strong...I could go on. I felt a whirlwind of emotions. All of them happy. All of them making me warm and fuzzy.
There is nothing i can say here to accurately describe how his words made me feel. They were wonderful. As is he.
For those of you who don't know, Ro is far far away. He will be coming to Toronto soon to see..no, to be sure this is what we both know it to be. So, Ro, here is the other outcome. We meet somewhere quiet. We are sure within seconds of meeting, despite our obvious moments of ackwardness. The rest, the rest I'll save for later. No hype, he says. But my vision is beautiful (and maybe a little naked). The rest of the story we'll tell together, after we meet.
Have you ever had something leave you a litle speechless?
This is a lovely morning. And Ro is a lovely man (and he's mine ladies...so back away).
Now I must go continue to glow, and re-read, and giggle.
Quote
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
- unknown
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
- Mae West (1892-1980)
Everybody has a right to be stupid,but some people abuse the privilege.
- Stalin
Total lack of continuity
One of the things I fell in love with most when I moved into this apartment was the view. I am lucky enough to be facing east. So when I look out my window, I see trees. And now that it is fall, I see the leaves changing color and I love it. Don't get me wrong, I see buildings too. Buildings surrounded by yellow, red, green...all of it. I would love right now to be somewhere surrounded by greenery. I don't know why I have craved and desired that so much lately. But I do.
The amazing thing about my view is that I often get to see the moon, in all it's shining glory. But when the moon is at it's brightest, it reminds me how small we are. I used to think that I wished I was smarter so I could have grown up to be an astronaut (science was never my thing) but then I think back to those pictures you see of the moon and it looks so desolate and sad and empty. Which then leads me (stay with me here, you are going on the wild ride that is Tali's thought processes) to wonder how this world came to be. We look around and see so much development. So much progress. But at the same time people think we are the only planet with life. I don't know how to explain it. It makes me feel SO small. Why are we the only lucky planet to have all this? It can't be.
I'm not a believer in fate. Not openly. Only in that secret place that I don't talk about. That secret hopeless romantic that lives behind the cynic in my brain. Sometimes things happen though that make me wonder if something doesn't push you in the direction you are supposed to go in. Push you in the direction of someone who makes you feel things you had forgotten you felt. Say things you thought you would never say again. Talk about things you never thought you would talk about with anyone. Do things you never thought you would be brave enough to do. So when fate, if that is what it is, opens that door for you, I say walk through and never look back. No matter how great the risk or how big the effort or how scary the possibilities. Do it.
Jump in head first and take advantage of every glorious second. Live every moment. Make the very best of it. Don't think about it. Just feel it. That's what I am doing. And I know exactly what may happen. And I can't wait.
When are we running away? I'm waiting for you.
Engaged to myself
Alright ladies and gents. So here it is. The engagement ring I will be buying for myself...because i love me. Only a mere $2600 US. Now, I just need to make a correction..when I said I was cheap..I meant COMPARITIVELY on the site. I didn't mean this particular ring was cheap. Oh no. It is pricey. 3 months rent. Which is why I long to buy it...but won't be doing it anytime soon. I'm not getting engaged yo myself for a good...5-10 years. If I am single at that point, this little baby will be living on my finger. OH YEAH!
Now, on a totally seprate topic, here is the funky hotel I'll be staying at in San Francisco next week. Nice huh?
www.hoteltriton.com
Check it out!
I'm all about the fancy.
Quotes
I love interesting quotes. Be them in the form of a lyric, poem, line from a book or speech. I find them fascinating. They are easy to appreciate because someone out there found a way to express something we can all feel in a way that reaches out. So here I will leave a few I love. All I ask is that you who read this blog leave me a few of your favorites as well! :)
Here we go:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,We bid be quiet when we hear it cry; But were we burdened with like weight of pain,As much or more we should ourselves complain.
William Shakespeare
And So It Goes (Billy Joel)
In every heart there is a roomA sanctuary safe and strongTo heal the wounds from lovers pastUntil a new one comes along I spoke to you in cautious tonesYou answered me with no pretenseAnd still I feel I said too muchMy silence is my self defense And every time I've held a roseIt seems I only felt the thornsAnd so it goes, and so it goesAnd so will you soon I suppose But if my silence made you leaveThen that would be my worst mistakeSo I will share this room with youAnd you can have this heart to break And this is why my eyes are closedIt's just as well for all I've seenAnd so it goes, and so it goesAnd you're the only one who knows So I would choose to be with youThat's if the choice were mine to makeBut you can make decisions tooAnd you can have this heart to break And so it goes, and so it goesAnd you're the only one who knows
Ok..that's a start...and now..YOUR TURN (while I find more!)
Yay.
Wow...completely all over the place.
I'm often glad that your head doesn't physically swell with the amounts of thoughts floating around up there. Thoughts buzzing about.
I'm more and more careful about the way I write on this blog. Tonight I'm tired and PMS-y making me really moody. But, I don't want to open the door to the moodiness here because I would inevitably write an entire blog about things I'll regret saying in the morning.
PMS is a nightmare for me. Complete emotional overload. I mean..I'm emotional regularly..but when I'm PMSing....it is like everything is multiplied by 100. Although I feel that mainly applies to the lows. When I'm sad and I'm hormonal, I'm so sad. I hurt so badly. And it is only about a week later when I realize why. I never figure it out at the time. I don't know why. I don't know how to explain it. It is a total loss of control of that ability to step back and see what is going on. No ability to be objective. It is weird.
Painfully weird.
But I'm slowly gettign a handle on it. Actually considering the possibility before reacting. However I advise any and all men to never ask me if my bad mood is PMS. Even if it is...I will kill you for asking.
You don't want to mess with me!
*2 hours later*
So just as I was about to slip into my little moment of over emotional, the lovely CZ showed up and scurried me off to a happy place called Starbucks for a Mint Chocolate Chip Frap and a good chat. It was SO nice to see her. CZ was the first new person I met when I came here. It was my first day at my new job and my new boss was away and no one knew who I was or what I was doing. They stuck me at a temporary desk and left me alone in there and CZ walked up, introduced herself, and became one of my closest friends. And now, she is moving to Ottawa and leaving me. Nooooo! But she made me feel immensely better when she sat down and asked me when I was coming to visit in Ottawa. YAY! I love that girl.
I also want to thank Ms.CM for being such an awesome breakfast buddy when I was in Montreal. I miss you already! I have no one here to enjoy my weekday breakfast meats with. WAAAAH!
I have decided that I need to take better care of myself. I've been eating terribly, if at all. Not drinking enough water (code for none). And I have been neglecting my vitamins. I need to stop that. I need to stick to a routine until I find a job because staying in my PJ's is just no good (although enjoyable). YAY FOR ME! (I'm encouraging myself...like it?).
Ok...I'm off to drink some water (good Tali) and go sleep early.
Good night everybody. Tomorrow let's all wake up smiling. they say if you wake up and smile it puts you in a better mood all day. So..here we go. I'm trying it out.
I have returned
I'm back in Toronto. Boooooooooooo.
If not for the lovely AB coming to have a coffee with me and welcome me home, I would have sat on my couch and grumbled all evening. But yay for back to regular movie nights!! Wednesday night AB...get ready! The Big Card rolls again!
It is always hard leaving Montreal to come to Toronto.
This will be a boring blog today because I'm SO tired and because I'm tired I'm cold and can only think of slipping out of my rained on wet clothing and cuddling up in bed and not getting up until I absolutely have to, which is really never at this point (although I do have an MSN date with the lovely Ro tomorrow morning so I can't sleep in too late and I'm hoping he will wake me if I do. Hint hint).
Ok...bed for me..catching up on blog tomorrow.
And i bid you goodnight
goodnight
goodnight
and I bid you goodnight
goodnight
goodnight
(anyone know what that is? huh? huh?)
Game On! Hee Hee
Ok..the secret is out. I call dibs on AB, MG, JP, TS, and LM...to start.
Take that Wiley
:)
Ugh
I keep starting and deleting blog entries.
The words arent flowing.
It's this rain. It's been raining for 8 days. It has been grey and heavy for 8 days.
I can't take it anymore.
I miss the sun.
Random
Ok, so I have a series of random thoughts running around me head so I'm about to share them all. There is no connection, consistency, or...umm...ok..I can't think of anther c word for there. So here we go:
1) I love seeing my fave bands from ages ago continue to release albums. Depeche Mode (love the new song) , Madonna (love the new song), Rick Astley (ok, the new album kinda sucks...but it's Rick Astley! I can forgive that. He's doing covers. EW! the only cover album I liked was the Simple inds one from a couple of years ago), New Order reeleased a singles album, Simply Red is rerecording their stuff..I can't think of anything else but I love it. Woohoo!
2) Someone had brought up the topic of the bidet. Now, I would like to throw some questions out to everyone out there. Did anyone grow up with one in their house? Does anyone have one now? I'd like opinions. Statements. I never had one in my house. I don't know anyone who did. I will go into no details before I get responses to that. Then, we discuss.
3) I hate fighting and I hate when people fight around me. It makes me feel tense. I can't stand it. Not even a little bit. It makes me want to run and hide.
4) Because of number one, I now have Blasephemous Rumors in my head.
5) I love cheese. Love it.
6) I think big pregnant tummies are so cute.
7) I love Ikea. I do. I really really do.
8) I have a lot of friends who love Buffy. Should I worry?
9) I used to want to be a vampire so I could live forever.
10) I snicker everytime AB tells me he has went to, wants to go to, or eaten the Spotted Dick. In fact, writing that made me giggle.
11) I am a closet mushball.
12) I, admitedly, have a jealous streak.
13) I love Daniel Craig. I think he is really hot. But, I just don't see him as James Bond. I don't know if it is the blond thing or what. I just don't see it. But i could watch Layer Cake over and over. If it weren't for that Sienna Miller chick pawing my man..it would be the best film ever. I also love Clive Owen. I watched Closer last night and he's hot. Even as a bit of a skanky bastard. Still think he's hot. HOT. But I don't think he could have pulled off the James Bond thing either. They just don't have that suave thing they you need. I don't know. I think they should have gone unknown. Who am I kidding..I havent' seen a James Bond movie in ages. I probably wouldn't have seen it..although Daniel Craig...2 hours of him on the big screen I can do.
This sucks. I had a million and one different thoughts while I stood outside watching Ryan play football. It was SO cold outside. My toes went numb. It was not fun at all. Especially when I stepped in a huge puddle. Blah.
I wanted to put pictures up but blogger isn't letting me upload. Bastards.
Ok, I can't think of anything else today. Thanks to AB for the lazy Sunday inspiration. 'm going to listen to Rick right now. It is time Madison learned about the best music to come out of the 80's! WOOHOO!
Go ahead. Make fun.
RJF
I have a secret. It is a secret only one person shares with me. No one else knows. It is a tiny little secret but one I'm delighted to have. One I'm thrilled to dream of. I can't say it outloud. It has no place outside of our bubble. Not now.
It's funny how good a secret can make you feel. How special.
It is so intimate and exciting.
And talking about it with the one person who shares my secret makes me swoon with delight and complete unadulterated affection.
A secret gives you hope. It makes you believe. It gives you the energy to fight for what you believe in and a picture of what you are fighting for. It leaves me wanting to say a million things and then completely speechless. All at the same time.
I want to hold it where no one can see it until i...we...are willing to share. In a little happy place no one but the person I share the secret with can get to.
In a place where there is a language spoken only for the two people who live for the secret. Secret words. Secret answer. Secret questions. Not-so-secret declarations.
I want this badly. I'm prepared to work as hard as it gets to get there.
I like difficult things too.
Could I be more of a girl?
For the record, I have to state tht I m not your typical girlie girl who has spent a lifetime dreaming of her white wedding. Not my thing. I expect that, if I get married, I would like a very simple non-religious ceremony followed by a huge party in my mom backyard (bar-b-que, beer, all the people I love, and lots of laughs). That is just my thing. It seems more natural.
Now why has this come up? Today I was reading a magazine and there was something about engagement rings and celebrity stylings. This coupled with the fact that I just got to check out the lovely JM's new bling got me thinking about what I would wear. And curiosity about the engagement ring I will buy myself when I turn 40 and realize I am unmarried and single and decide to throw myself one of those crazy "I love myself" parties.
So I found this web page and i have discovered that I am CHEAP! Everything I like is on the inexpensive scale. YAY! I'm cheap.
Here is my question..if i love these rings, would it be weird for me to buy one for myself and wear them on my right hand? As opposed to wearing them as an actual "engagement ring". They are all antique/art-deco style so they don't look engagement ring-y. Opinions? What do you think?
Annoying
50 million little posts. I'm ANNOYING. :)
This is what it is like being my friend.
Lots of erratic disconnected thoughts.
Welcome to my world.
Evil laugh...bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Oh...and..
I love Madonna's new song.
I love her. I can't lie.
PORN?
There is porn on TV after midnight as part of the movie channels. And I generally like porn, but I just saw the WORST porn scene ever. *shudder*
Between that and the scary movie I'm watching, I may never sleep again.
:(
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LANA
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LANA!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear LANA
Happy birthday to you :)
Have a fantastic birthday weekend pretty lady!!
Soul Meets Body
If the silence takes you then I hope it takes me to
So powerless I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Let Go
drink up baby down
mmm are you in or are you out
leave your things behind so let go
jump in
oh well whatcha waiting for
it's alright cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go
just get in
oh it's so amazing here
it's alright cause there's beauty in the breakdown
it gains the more it gives & it rises with the fall
[so hand me that remote - can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow]
cause it's all going off without you
excuse me too busy writing your tragedy
these mishaps you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply
so let go
Anger is my friend
Sometimes I think I need to start a completely anonymous blog so I can vent about things I can't vent about here for fear of offending anyone who reads this. Not that I have mean things to say, but sometimes I want to let it all out and out of respect for so many relationships and people, I choose not to.
I'm not very good at letting to and saying what I feel. I'm so afraid to hurt feelings. I don't mean just on this blog, but in general. I have trouble getting angry. Even when I know I have a right to. I never do. And if I let a glimmer of it shine through, I feel SO guilty. So afraid that the person i'm angry at will just walk away. Will see through this facade of Tali and just realize I'm not worth it.
I know I know, no lectures on insecurity being my issue. I'm not looking for tough love right now.
SO FUCK OFF
(I'm practicing..did it work? Is anyone still reading this?)
I'm so frustrated.
How can one human being be so repressed when it comes to anger? What is it that scares me to much about saying to someone..listen, I'm pissed but I'll get over it. Just give me some space. I get a little bit angry and I feel compelled to throw myself at someone's mercy and beg forgiveness. I regret it. I'm terrified. I panic.
I need to get a grip.
Here's the thing. People get mad. We all do. Sometimes it is rational. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is completely ridiculous. But the people who love us will always forgive that and give us a break or try to understand where that is coming from and work with you to fix it. That is what I need to learn. I have to learn to believei n the power of a relationship. The end. If someone can't take the good AND the bad..then it is a problem. Because things will not always be good.
I'm trying o convince myself of this you see.
Here is the other thing I'm learning about me - I give 110% to everything and everyone. Everyone, that is, except for me. Somehow I've lived a life being ok wth giving myself the shitty end of the stick. Well, here is my anonymous moment to stand up for myself:
You (and you know who you are) what the fuck was up with that email today? Where you stand with me? Are you kidding me? You are exactly where you are asked to be. Out of my life. Dont email me unless you have something to say. I've had enough with your hot and cold or pretending that we are buddies. I'm not here to make YOU feel good about yourself or to make you feel less guilty about what an ass you act like with me. You were stupid and you let me go. You blew it.
You (and you know who YOU are) thanks again for calling me last Friday and starting all that shit about the history of our friendship and implying that I have ever asked anything of you other than what I was willing to give and have always given. And then all that guilt about how I haven't been there enough for you. please. I have always been there for you and you have NEVER been there for me. Never. I'm fed up with shouldering this friendship only to get nothing back in return. Not once did you call to ask me about my grandmother this week. Not once. You are so constantly wrapped up in you that there is no room for you to care about anyone else and I'm done with feeling bad about it.
and YOU (and you know who YOU are) EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT(so, I wrote a big paragraph today. And, as my friend put it, it was pretty raw and I'm not sure it how the person this is directed towards will react. So I'm going to take it out and discuss it with him. I will, however, let him see it. I just don't know if I think it should be posted for everyone to read.)
Ok, that is all I have for now. I'm going to post this. I may take it down. I have no idea yet. I just needed to say it all. So here it is. Said.
And I'm going to walk away NOT feeling guilty. (feeling guilty already..must post)
Long days
We all have little thigns that make us TOTALLY nerdy. Those secret little collections or crushes or, in this case, hidden CD's.
Here is my thing.
I love Rick Astley.
There, I said it.
I have every album he has ever done - or most of them - and know WAY more of the words than I like to admit.
I love this voice. I love it I love it I love it.
And as it turns out, he is releasing a new album of covers. Ok...that is TOTALLY cheezy but since it is Rick..you know I will listen to it (and AB, if he comes here on tour, we are SO going!)
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
never gonna run around
and hurt you
Never gonna make you cry
never gonna say goodbye
never gonna tell a lie
desert you
WOOHOOOO!
That is the end of my secret confessions. I will never say this out loud again.
I'm tired. I have no idea why I'm so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I was supposed ot go out with JD tonight and he wanted me to go hang out and watch the movie he has been working on. I couldn't do it and feel liek a terrible friend. I just knew if I went to his place and started watching a movie I would be asleep in about 3 minutes. *sigh* so we cancelled and I'm ridden wih guilt. I have a lot of guilt issues. I hate disappointing my friends. I'm really not good at putting myself first.
Hospital again today. Grandma seems better. Nice to see her improving. I wasn't there as long today (yesterday I stayed for about...9 hours). Just long enough to go in and visit and talk for a couple of hours.
I'm so tired lately..but as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm wide awake. Why is that?
Lots going on. Nothing else I can talk about here. Not now.
I have an addiction problem. I can't stop talking to Ro. Text messages. Email. MSN. Phone dates (we are implementing that program soon). I just can't stop. I love hearing his voice and I love seeing his words. They make me happy and angry and excited and jittery and sad and everything mixed up in this big ball of YAY! I love that he makes me run through all these emotions.
I don't know what the future holds for he and I. I believe it is only good things. *sigh* I could gush for hours. But I won't. I am so goofy and pathetic. But I'm enjoying every second of it. I just adore that man.
I'm off to bed. Sleepy.
Ro *sigh*
Ro wrote this on his blog:
"I love Tali Fischer. True".
I can't stop going back to his blog to read it over and over and over.
And Over.
And over.
Because reading it makes me heart swell and my cheeks blush and makes me giggle with delight and affection..and total girlie girlishness.
I'm melting.
*sigh* I think I have a crush. A big big big big big crush
I heart Ro.
*sigh*
Cheesecake and Mom
Just ate some cheesecake and had a chat with mom. It was good to talk. It made me feel better. She is coming with me to the hospital tomorrow.
Kids are sleeping in the basement with me. They won't let me be sad for one second. No one will. They take good care of me.
Right Ro?
I feel like i have a million and one thigns i would like to write about on this blog. It has been a long day and I found it really difficult. But I have the distinct impression (knowledge) that if I start writing about any of this I will, without a doubt, start to cry. And I can't do that right now. I can't do it because I am sitting in my mother's kitchen and no one here seems to realize how upset I am. Because tears will scare my sister and my brother. Because I don't have the words to explain everything that is upsetting me because I only really understand part of it.
I don't want to open up that door right now. I just don't. I'm not alone and I can't let it out the way I want to.
My blogs have been boring of late. I have nothing to say except mindless uninteresting everyday stuff. And now that I have so much to talk about, I can't do it. Guess I am not the skilled blogger I like to pretend I am.
Maybe later, when the kids are sleeping and I'm alone downstairs I can pop on my favorite sad tune and write it all out while my eyes get misty and make it hard to see. But really I don't see the point. Not today.
Maybe tomorrow.
I'm a mess. Ro wrote something sweet on his blog and I started to cry when I read it. AB just called me a good friend and I started to cry when I read it.
No Dawson's Creek and sappy music for me. Just happy thoughts and early to bed to wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world. Backbone of steel, right Ro?
I got nuthin'
So much to say and so little motivation to type.
It was a long day filled with some unsettling feelings.
Let's just say that a certain little girl I know goes to a certain school where there was a certain lice outbreak so preventatively a certain household and everyone inside it had to go through lice treatments. Again, PREVENTATIVELY. But ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew. A certina blogger is feeling not so sexy right now and everything in this certain household smells like tea tree oil because that is what everything was washed with. Just yuck. All I want to do..umm..I mean a certain person wants to do is take a million showers until that certain person feels she has gotten down to a clean layer of skin.
Waaaaah.
Tomorrow I am off to the hospital to see Grandma. I'm SO nervous about it. So I'm going to not talk about it here.
Hmm..what else can I talk about? I'm tired and lazy. It is just easy to be that way.
*sigh*
Ok. I can't do it. I'm sorry. I really have nothing to say right now. I'm deep into my own mind and just feeling non-conversational.
I'm going to bed.
Official Nervous Breakdown
Ok....I'm officially having some kind of nervous breakdown. Because I am sitting here in my pajamas SOBBING through the episode of Dawson's Creek when Joey tells Dawson she wants him to stay.
OH MY GOD! I never even watched this show when it was on.
I'm clearly WAY too sensitive for my own good. Someone, take away my TV remote. I clearly can't handle the responsibility.
No..the sappy slow instrumental and the long heartfelt speech. I can't take it....tears...runny nose. This is HORRIBLE.
Five more minutes. Thank goodness there is only 5 more minutes.
I can't take it.
Don't laugh at me. No one reading this may even snicker and how girlie I am at this particular moment.
This is exactly why I don't watch sappy movies with anyone...no one needs to see me breakdown in the middle of a movie theater. And I would do it. I so would.
Why is it people on TV always look so good when they cry? I get teary at a TV show and my face turned bright red, my eyes are puffy, my nose looks like Rudolph! ARGH!
Ok...done. I'm off to shower.
Boo
I woke up this morning with a headache. Ugh. Kills me. Madison ran down at 7:30 to say hi and I knew I was in trouble. I could feel the ache. I know it is a combination of not enough sleep and drinking enough water yesterday. But it is killing me.
I have a breakfast date this morning with LS so until she calls, I'm going to nurse myself back to tip top shape.
Tonight it is early to bed for me. Hopefully.
Someone tell Ro to hurry up and get on a plane.
Oh my god...Thanksgiving dinner. Soo full. SO FULL! I am ready to pass out. Does turkey really make you want to sleep?
I want to write some brilliant blog entry but i can't forumlate words.
I'm tired.
I fell asleep at 2 am and then woke up at 3am to meet a certain charming Scot online and chat for a couple of hours. And after an intense and lovely convo I crawled into bed and finaly dozed at about 5:30 only to be woken up at 9:30 to make sure I was in time for a brunch date with JB and SB. Not enough sleep.
But I am determined to stay up until 10pm at which point I'm crawling into bed to watch CSI from bed and be asleep by 11:01. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I've decided to force Ro to incorporate phone dates into our relationship. I love talkin to him on MSN but I think what is findamentally missing is having regular phone calls and actually talking. We need that. We rely to heavily on the online. Not that it isn't fun. It is...but that human contact is important. And since we live in different places, I think hearing each other's voices will be such a benefit. Ok..that is all about Ro. For now. ;)
Spent the day with the family. Big turkey dinner. My mom made cheesecake for desert. My FAVORITE cake. It was yummy.
So tired now. I can't focus. I can't think. I just want to sleep.
I want Ro to come and visit. Can someone call him and tell him to get out here already?
Off to bed.
Family.
I'm sleepy. Had a really nice day. Hung out with PK and JM this morning. They are such a lovely couple. They so obviously love eachother so much. I can't wait for their wedding next year. I think it will be so much fun. I love being around them. They personify hope and love and possibility.
Then I was off to visit with Steph and the fam. Jeremy is so cute. He is geting so big. They are also a lovely family who always make me feel so welcome. Jeremy is walking and talking and has teeth popping out all over the place. It is SO cute. And he was full of smiles for me. And when Steph asked "where is Auntie Tali"...he ponted right at me. YAY! I'm not forgotten :)
It was nice.
A day of family.
I'm crawling downstairs to bed. I'm burnt out and would love to just sleep. Zzzzzzz.
c-c-c-COLD
It is so cold. I don't understand how this happened. Just a couple of days ago it was warm and sunny and then I woke up this morning to 9 degrees (48 for you farenheiters, 282.15 kelvin, and 507.87 rankine - I have no idea what that is but I wanted to make sure everyone was as informed as possible). Brrrrr. I didn't bring my winter backet to Montreal with me. I'm living in my wool poncho which I may never take off again. *shiver* *shiver*.
I think I shiver too much. I have been known to shiver until my stomach started to hurt. I don't know why.
I always wake up remembering clips of dreams. Snippets, characters, feelings. Rarely do I remember more than that. I think I need a dream journal. Just a book by my bed and I will wake up every morning and write down what I can remember. Of course, that could be scary - maybe i don't want to know what is going on in my subconscious. That may be a scaaary place!
Ok..I'm going to take the worlds hottest shower just to get the feeling back into my frozen limbs.
SHIVER!
A daily report.
Day 2(ish) in Montreal. Woke up early..hung out with Madison (who in her half-asleep state told me she hates me and then we proceeded to giggle about it so much we couldn't go back to sleep if we wanted to. Then a delightful brunch with CM (mmm Cafe Orange..how I missed my cheap greasy breakfasts....yummy) and then I got to chat with Ro (yay! It was so nice to talk again, I missed him) and hang out with Ryan. It was great. And just when I thought it could get no better I got to hang out with JD (see picture below). We went to see "Where the Truth Lies" - the new Atom Egoyan film. I wasn't impressed. The worst sex scenes I've ever scene (they looked painfully fake), casting I thought ruined the movie..I don't know. No t impressive. I'm sure it was a good book when it was a book...but it either didn't translate well to a film or this was just a particularly unsatisfying adaptation. All in all...left JD and I much to giggle about out on the way home. And since I am in visiting we had to stop at my favorite place in the world - Orange Julep. The big orange off the highway. Mmmmm. It was so yummy. So...you can see below a picture taken in JD's car...while enjoying the sugar high of a julep. Mmmmmm...sugar-y treats. So my bulging eyeballs in the pic...that is allllllllllll sugar baby. Oh yeah. It was a great day. I'm reminded of how nice it is to be home. Ok....I'm off to bed! Up tomorrow morning to go out with Procrasto and JM for brunch..what a great way to start the day. Pictures to follow.
Just home from seeing "Lord of War" the new Nicholas Cage movie. Holy intense! All about gun running and war and death. Not nice i tell ya. But I'm so happy to be home and hanging out with everyone, it couldn't bring me down.
Tomorrow I go on a grandma hunt and try to figure out exactly what hospital she is at and when I can go visit. Think happy thoughts for me.
Today
I had a fuuun day today. I rolled out of bed, hung in my pajamas until noon then headed out to see the girls. I had yummy sushi and salad with CM and then we met JB and horrified Starbucks customers by talking about all sorts of dirty things I'm much to polite to mention here. Because I'm a lady. Sometimes. :)
I went to a new store on Monkland called Vive La Difference which is all interesting products boughts around the world and sold to benefit a charity that helps poveryty around the world (more details). I bought a couple of cool bangles form india (all sparkly) for $3 and love them..although one started to chip right away. leave it to me to pick the problematic one. I'm sure if I had brought it back theywould have exchanged it, but for 3$ I'm just as happy to go buy another one. I like the idea of money going to charity. The 3$ won' break me and it is a good cause. They are all sparkly and fun. Little mirrors and fake jems. I love 'em.
Out of dinner with the girls tonight .Three Amigos. My FAVE mexican place. And then off to a movie. It's like a date.
I love being back home.
Nothing.
I'm watching a movie. I'm not even sure exactly what it is all about. It is dark. Very dark. Very sad. I'm crying like a baby. I should not be allowed to watch anything. BAD Tali. BAD
I'm in Montreal now. It is weird being back here and I'm feeling kind of useless. At home in Toronto, I am in my own spac.e Here I'm not and have no idea what to do with myself. *sigh*
It is grey outside and that isn't contributing to how I am feeling.
Movie....more tears.I hate this film. It is killing me.
Madison just called me. Nothing like the sound of little girl voice to wake you out of your reverie. I love that.
I haven't seen my grandmother yet. I'm nervous about it. I won't lie. Somehign about hospitals makes me extremely uncomfortable. I gather that is pretty normal. But I'm freaked about it. I hate the fact that no one is calling or telling me anything also. It is killing me. So I guess at some point I will just make my way to the hospital and try to find her. Freaked out.
I'm watching the Price is Right. These people are SO weird. I don't know why I watch this other than to feel better about myself.
I have nothing interesting to say. My brain is finished. Blah.
Ok. I'm off.
My bracelet
I lost my bracelet and I am so bitter. I actually lost it in Vancouver but kept hoping my brother would find it. Alas, I finally accept that it will never be found.
Waaaah!
My mom got it for me and I wore it EVERYWHERE. It was silver and had my initials with two hears. 80's style. Cheezy. But I loved it. It was SO cool.
So this post is a tribute to my bracelet. Which I lost. Because I suck.
Boo.
Yay.
Today I woke up EXHAUSTED. Crawled out of bed. Packed. Realized i forgot to pay my rent. Ran down and paid my rent, packed my bag and then got on a train for home. When I was on the train, I heard from Ro and I was SO happy to hear his voice and know how he was doing. It made my day. It made my week.
Unfortunately he called while I was on the train do I all but crawled under the seat so the conversation wouldn't be ruined by the incessant chatter over the intercom (in english and then in french). But it made me so happy to hear from him. So happy.
And now I am home, eating treats my mom backed (cookied and cake..mmmm) and waiting for my sister and my brother to return home and hang out with me. Being home makes me feel much better. Tomorrow I will try to see my grandmother.
*sigh*
I'm actually flooded with relief. I feel much better. I feel like I could actually sleep through a night. Hallelujah.
One more night.
Last day in Toronto before heading to Montreal for some undetermined amount of time. No longer than 10 days. I feels weird. Weird to be here, weird to be going home.
It is just a weird time I guess.
I feel, more often than not these days, that I am watching life from the outside. Like I'm standing on the wrong side of a dirty window, look in at a life I don't belong to anymore. I just feel disconnected.
I don't know how to fix it.
It is like my brain doesn't work right anymore.
Even when I'm out and smiling, something inside feels wrong.
I confessed my sins to Hannahguy and AB today. Seperately.
I'm reserved in how I say the words, but they both are slowly learing what I'm not sure they knew...what I'm not sure I knew...and that is how very much I had come to care for a stranger and how terrifying I found that. I shouldn't be talking about this. It seems trite and stupid. Especially compared to what is going on out there. But I guess I need to be selfish here and I need to get this all out of my system. I need to face the facts. Those that I hate. The facts are, without realizing it, I had opened myself up to something and there is a distinct chance I will lose that. Not by my choice. It will be either by his or by circumstance. And because I'm a selfsh, horrible human being, I'm miserable about it. And it becomes this circle, where I think about that and then I hate myself.I hate myself for being so self-involved that I can't see beyond my own needs. I'm afraid to admit any of this to myself. For so many reasons. I'm afraid that none of this is true or was ever. I'm afraid that it was all true and now it doesn't exist anymore. I'm afraid to say it outloud because once I do I have to face how much I'm going to hurt. I'm afraid that he will happen upon this and be so shocked by how selfish I am that he will hate me. I'm afraid of so many different things, so many of which I think are awful, that I can't even write them here.
I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for being upset. I'm tired of not saying that outloud because I'm afraid of seeming indifferent to what was going on. I can't do it.
I'm not indifferent. I care. I really really do. I care so much that it is making me physically ill. I care so much that I'm up at night, every night. That I have bad dreams and wake up repeatedly. But as much as I care, I have NO idea what is going on. None. I'm completely, totally cut off. It is killing me, but I'm doing it because I know it is the right thing to do and what needs to be done. But I would be lying if I didn't say I don't hop online hoping there will be some news. Good news. Any news.
Again, I'm selfish.
But I say it here, and I say it here only.
It was great hanging with Hannahguy though. I really adore her. She is a fantastically brave woman who chooses to pursue her passions. She and I have slowly gotten to know eachtoehr as friends instead of just as PR/Journalist and I'm so happy that we have managed to cross that bridge. I know that she values her time and the people she spends it with. So her friendship is such a huge compliment to me, and one I don't take for granted. She is an amazing listener. And a huge talent. And yes, I am flirting with her right now (inside joke, don't ask).
Then I was out with AB. Who is, as always, spectacularly supportive and is keeping me occupied. Making sure I don't sit home miserable. Making sure I stay grounded and focused and as together as I can be. He will let me cry, laugh, yell, or freak out if I need to with no judgement whatsoever. A safe haven for my emotional insanity right now. For that, I owe him so much.
I'm off to pack and then go to sleep. I'm tired.
Bed for me
I don't have much to say this evening. There are a million thoughts in my head but none of them see important enough to get out on paper.
When I get an email, my computer makes this funny noise. I had changed the settings around the time I started speaking to Ro so that sounds has become the Ro sound for me now. I would roll out of bed in the morning and this silly sound would play and I would know I had an email from him waiting for me. Because there was one every day. And I loved it. Now I hear the sound and it makes me sad that I can't do anything for him. I've had to turn the sound off. Just for now. I'm just too "emo" (that is a Ro word that secretly makes me giggle everytime he says it. Probably because it makes me think of that weird comedian Emo Philips).
It is hard, caring so much about someone and not being able to do anything for them or be there for them. You hope they know how much you care and that you are there when they need you. Space and time is all I have to offer right now, and I know it is all he asked for. But it is hard. It is SO hard. I would swim across the ocean right now if i thought I could help. If I thought I could do something - anything...for him. But it isn't about what I need right now. I need to be there for him to make myself feel good. This isn't about me at all. But it is hard. SO HARD. Does that sound selfish and horrible?
I'm going home soon. Home to see my grandma in the hospital and spend time with my family. I'm lucky that I have them to fall back on. And that I have such fantastic friends to lean on.
This cold is getting worse again. I want to shake it so I can go to the hospital to visit. I don't think they will want me around all sniffly and contagious.
ok. Bed for me.
Difficult
It's been a long day. A long long long long day.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated.
I feel like I have no control. I feel powerless.
I feel lost.
And none of it is about me.
I've been walking around for an hour just because I didn't want to come home. I didn't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere right now. I have brilliant thoughts while I walk. then I get home and sit in front of the computer and I can't come up with any words. I can think of the perfect way to express myself and here it doesn't happen I look at the screen and I'm blank. Freakin' blank.
I don't understand this world we live in. I don't get it. and I hate it right now. I hate it. I can't stand watching people I care about hurt. It fills me with a rage I can't stomach. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. I want to take every ittle bit of hurt and sadness away. I want someone to explain to me why things are the way they are. I want someone to tell me why bad thigns happen to good people and why bad people seem to get away with more then they should.
Iwant to stand outside and scream at the top of my lungs until someone listens.
I want to break everything in my apartment.
I went to the library. Because it was quiet. I walked and walked and carried so many books that my arms hurt. But I wanted that. I wanted to be in control of that pain. I understand this cutting phenomenon. That desire to be in control of what hurts. To make it better or worse. I stood in between the rows of boks. My legs shook and I couldn't hep breaking out in a sweat. I just want to sit down and cry. I wondered if they would kick me out for that.
I started this blog hours ago. Then C. came over and distracted me. It has been a long day filled with tears. I found out my grandmother has had a massive stroke and is paralyzed on her right side and can't speak. That was difficult to hear. I'm going home to see her on Wednesday.
I don't feel comfortable talking about anything else that is going on. I can only say that someone I care deeply about hurting right now and I hate that I can't fix it for him. I hate that I can't do anything for him. I would do anything to make it better.
I'm not talking anymore today. I'm going to crawl into bed and hide for awhile.
I got beautiful flowers today. Ro has captured my heart completely. He is a fantastic man that one. 
Where?
OK. I need to vent. I've been holding it in. But I'm cracking.
I've been decidedly optimistic lately. Trying to see the silver linings and stay strong and confident and unafraid. But I'm tired. I have to admit, I'm a little freaked out about this whole job thing. I'm concerned about my future and where it may lead. I know I am not in danger of having to live out on the street or anything, but having the whole world open in front of you is scary. I just don't know what to do with all the time I have right now. I'm trying to be extremely budget-minded because I think that is key right now. I'm just frustrated. Extremely frustrated. I just want a glimmer of hope.
I've always had this vision of life. You may have heard it before. Like we are constantly trying not to drown. Treading water, the constant struggle to keep your head above water. Trying not to let the bad things weigh you down and enjoying the relief the good things bring when you can hold onto them for a little while and let yourself rest from the worry of going under. Hope is the thing you tread for all the time. Hope is what keeps you moving. Even when your legs feel heavy and it would be so easy to give in and drift away.
So hope is everything for me. And I struggle every day not to forget that. But some days it is just so hard. And I get SO tired. I just want to give up hope. Lie here and cry. But giving up isn't in my nature. Isn't in my character. I'm a fighter. It would just be so nice to be reminded sometimes that it is worth it. Today I'm having trouble remembering. I'm frustrated and tired and fed up. I don't want to fight. I just want it to be easy. I want everything to make sense and the puzzle pieces to all fit together. Just for one day. I just want to let go for one day and know I won't drown.
Where are you?
Monday morning.
Good morning. How is everyone out there today?
7:30 am and I am up and feeling much better. It is amazing how the sun is rising later and later. Just a few weeks ago, 7am was broad daylight and now it is 7:30 and the sun is just waking up and creeping over the horizon. I'm so not ready for winter. Soon we will be changing the time and the sun will set a 5 pm. Ew.
So last night, I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 3am all contorted and stiff. Amazing the self-abuse we put ourselves through. I had also left my computer on and there were all sorts of flashing chat windows all over the place (sorry F.). *yawn*
What a day today will be..filled with excitement. Why, you ask? Because i need to do..wait for it..wait for it...LAUNDRY! Woohoo! Wild and crazy huh? Oh, and go to the library (also woohoo). Head to the train station to arrange my tickets. And...that's about it. Oh..I'm lying. Games night tonight with L & R (a delightful couple who are headed off on a great trip in about a week. Hate them for that. So jealous!).
I need to finish the book I'm reading. The movie is out and I can only hold off on hearing the details for so long before I'm exposed to everything. It is getting good. Much better.
Dishes and cleaning. That too.
Ok....I'm going to crawl into bed and read for a while. At least until it is a reasonable hour to head down to the laundry room.
Oh...so the other day, when we were doing the sad songs post, I foudn the following site: http://breakup-songs.com
All the sap you can handle in just website. Here is my question though, why on earth is Achy-Breaky Heart on there? I mean...COME ON! That is just horrible.
I'm doing a happy song post next. Keep your eyes open for it.
Link to the pictures
Check out the pictures from my day of fun with AB and Batman:
www.shutterbook.com/albums/TaliSF/24567
Sick
So, it is official. I am sick. Mild cold. Nothing terrible. But wow is this kicking my a**. I went for a walk with AB and usually I could walk for HOURS. The 20 minute walk up the hill almost killed me. My legs were shaking. I was sweating. And I actually needed to sit down and rest.
*ACHOO*
I can't stop sneezing either.
This sucks.
Bed for me for the rest of the day.
Today is not a good day. I'm feeling rough and kind of down.
Just a little weak.
I'm off for some soup and juice and self-pity.
Funny Pictures and frustration.
So, I just wrote a whole LONG blog and my computer crashed and now it is gone. Grrrr. Frustrated. Just came in from a lovely day hanging out with AB. We meandered around the city taking the silliest picture with our new friend Blow-Up Batman. It was a beautful sunny day..perfect for pictures. However, i somehow managed to come down with something over the course of the day, so here I sit now feel horrible (physically).
Being sick always makes me extremely sensitive (emotionally) and totally girlie (and looking for TLC from a certain lovely young man who is too far away to crawl into bed and comfort me). Booo. So I'm keeping this short tonight. I'll let the pictures fo all the talking.
So I am going to throw up some silly pictures from today (link to a photo album to follow) and then crawl into bed. Check out AB's blog for silly pictures of me (you didn't think I would get away with putting these up for nothing?). So sleeepy. Enjoy!
Michael auditioning for a role in the upcoming Godfather movie.
Michael and Batman going for a ride. Look over there..in the distance..it's...it's....security coming to take us away!
Michael and Batman had a little fight...over me. Now now boys, I have enough time for both of you.
The three musketeers (with me clearly being sick already)
We Must Never Speak Of This Post Again.
7:45am. Again. Saturday morning. If this was a horror movie, 'd known I was being haunted and terrorized by the ghost that kills at 7:45am. I didn't drink enough water yesterday and I know that because i woke up with a headache. Booo.
Saturday morning cartoons are not what they used to be. Not even a little bit. They were way better in my day with such things as Galaxy High, Pee Wee's Playhouse, Teen Wolf - the cartoon, The Snorks, and a plethora of others I can't remember.
AB put up a post today about the songs that have the most emotional impact. Clearly, you don't know me..because EVERYTHING HAS AN EMOTIONAL impact. I'm an easy mark. A music marketer's dream. But, I will list some ofmy faves and the reasons why here - more often then not, it is because the lyrics reach out and touch me. So I'm linking each song to the lyrics. But remember - you need to have both to appreciate the song. How the words are sung, how the music sounds, what the words are - those are a package deal. Let me know if any of them don't work. We will never speak of this post again as it outs me as the girliest girl ever. Do not judge me by these choices. I'm WEAK when it comes to sappy. WEAK! (but feel free to share with me your fave sappy tunes).
Ok:
Walk Away by Ben Harper. The most amazing lyrics in a song ever. Here's an example of why i love it: We've tried the goodbye so many days. We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray. They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free, but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery. Go read the lyrics.
Warning Signs by Coldplay. I love this song. I love the words. It is about regret - to me. It is about letting the idea of love scare you into ruining something when underneath it all, you just want to be with that person. But by the time you figure it out, it is too late.
Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow. Ok, cheese. I know. But I like what it says because I think we have all felt like this at some point. That is why I like it. We've always wanted to ask the question to someone.
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt (or another variation of although this one is my favorite). What is sadder then realizing the person you are with just doesn't love you?
Realizing that you have to let go because it doesn't exist no matter how much you love them. HEARTBREAKER. WARNING: This song leads to uncontrollable sobbing.
Damien Rice -any slow song he does.
Blower's Daughter,
Delicate,
Cold Water,
Amie,
Volcano. Sad, sad, sad, oh and sometimes a little sad.
Argh..there are so many good sad songs. SO MANY! I could write lists for hours. From cheezy (
Seperate Lives - Phil Collins,
John Waite - Missing You,
Neville Brothers - Bird on a Wire) to sad (
Sarah Mclachlan - I will Remember You,
Musiq Soulchild - Half-Crazy,
Gary Jules - Mad World) to songs where the music is so good it just wraps you in a blanket and says "cry until it is all over because sometimes it is ok to be sad for a little while" (
Ray Lamontagne - Hold You In My Arms, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over the Rainbow). I can't get them all down here. There are so many more:
Collide - Howie Day,
Thirteen Senses - Gone,
I'll WIll Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie,
Bic Runga - Sway,
Trading Air - Athlete,
Let Go - Frou Frou (not sad, but lovely nonetheless). I need to stop. There are always more.
There is to much out there.
So there we go. My list. I have exposed myself as the ceesiest girl EVER. Please let's never talk about this again. NEVER.
Now, I wanted to leave you with the lyrics to a Bob Dylan song. I just heard this song for the first time recently and, more than anything else, fell madly crazy in love with the words. They are so...tough. Which makes them sadder. I'm trying to think of how to accurately describe it. It is like seeing that tough old man who never cried break down and share what is breaking his heart. It isn't sweet and it isn't sentimental. It is just sad. The end of hope.
Not Dark Yet - Bob Dylan
Shadows are falling and I've been here all day
It's too hot to sleep time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal
There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there
Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don't see why I should even care
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there
Well, I've been to London and I've been to gay Paree
I've followed the river and I got to the sea
I've been down on the bottom of a world full of lies
I ain't looking for nothing in anyone's eyes
Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there
I was born here and I'll die here against my will
I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can't even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don't even hear a murmur of a prayer
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.
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